Butting heads (Marr)

With what happened yesterday, I can only feel complete relief knowing that Matthew is able to come home today. That being said, I am running late all because Mira decided that she was going to make a diaper chance into a bath right before I had to leave. When I finally left, I packed Mira into the stroller, laying her down and covering her up before starting the trek into town.

My hums had put the little one out of her sleepy misery by the time I had reached the front gates to the hospital and once inside, I go to the front desk and ask for the guy I've come to collect. She kindly points me in the direction where the discharged patients would be waiting for their rides and just as I reach the long hallway, I see him sitting there. He's turned in the opposite direction of where I'm coming from and slowly approach him.

"Well, don't look so happy to see me, Mr. Dunham." I greet him with a smile and leave the stroller to walk around it and wrap my arms around him in a greeting formation. "How you feeling, babe? Still want to stay here? Or come home with me and your daughter?"

I ask him and look down to the sleeping baby all cuddled up with a blanket. She missed you last night. And the other night." I tell him and nod my head in the direction to the front of the hospital. "Ready?"

Matthew acknowledges the trouble that might have been the reason I was late and points to the sleeping girl in the stroller. I nod, letting him know that it was and when my arms go around Matthew, I feel my cheek press into his shirt and and I fall in love all over again. Just feeling him this near me is keeping me calm. Yesterday was so nerve wracking and this morning was no better as I was anxiously awaiting to see him and bring him home again. I tell him that Mira missed him too and it's the truth. It took me twice as long to get her to sleep until I figured out the same way Matthew is able to get her to sleep.

"I think I'm starting to learn your secret to her slumber." I just say out of conversation and he leans down to let his thumb rub against her cheek, bringing out a small grin. I swear, watching him with our baby is the most precious thing ever and to think when I first met him, I never even expected him to be nice to me without a rude comment. How times have changed for the better.

Once we are outside, the heat around us is obviously too much much. Mira stretches and takes a deep breath before settling back down and Matthew puts his hand in mine. I hold tight, not letting it go of him.

"It's good to be out. I hate that place. Nothing but unpleasant."

I nod my head, staying silent and just glancing over toward him. Is this the way its suppose to be? Me and him and our daughter on a walk? Do we look like a perfect couple or family to someone? It might seem like it on the outside but inside, I still have that fear that he'll do something once again to cause his life to be jeapordy. Inside, my mind is reeling with too many predicaments that always ends up with me and Mira alone. Why won't my mind settle?

"How are you?"

"Exhausted." I chime in, smiling toward him. "Trying to keep up with you is like trying to keep up with Brooklyn." I taunt him and release his hand and slip my arm around his waist so that he can take the other handle of the stroller and I can feel his body next to mine. "I'm going to put you in a bubble and lock you in the house, Matthew Dunham. Don't you ever do that to me again."

My voice is joking, but also has that serious tone to it though.

Just the mention of Brooklyn has Matthew curious about Vy. I can't blame him. HE's been so preoccupied with his own injuries that he hasn't had much time to think about anyone else. I, myself, included because I've spent a while at the hosptial while Jeran's been home taking care of her and the little one.

"Have you heard from Vy? Is she okay?"

I nod to him. "She'll be fine. Stubborn thing as always. Jeran went to find her being mistreated by her old lady. Even got pissed off at Brooklyn and then went after Jeran when they tried to leave. Kinda exciting how our families are so similar, yet so different at the same time. He brought her back to our house so she can heal up. She was pretty bad, but refused a hospital visit. Same ole, Vy."

We keep walking though my next statement to Matthew has him stopping, making me stop with him since my arm was around his waist and he turns to me. That look that he gives me is of something that I don't see often, but I can't pinpoint what it is? Insecurity? Anger? Is he mad at me or something?

"Look at me, Kyanite. that fight wasn't intentional nor provoked by me in any way. I swear I told Vy not to piss off those bastards adn I thought everything was fin until I went downstairs to the bathroom where they cornered me and some others messed her up upstairs. I had to defend myself."

I shake my head, dropping my gaze from him. If only he wasn't there getting a drink in the first place it wouldn't have happened, but I have to think of the outcome. Vy would have been there by herself and who knows what could have happened. Still, I feel the regret that is coming from Matthew. He's just trying to defend himself against me now and my demons for what happened.

"Is your brother looking into this?"

I shrug my shoulders slightly and then return my gaze to him, but this time I can't fight the emotions that are on my face because I'm scared shitless that there won't be a next time for me to be mad at. I keep the emotions from spilling out however my voice is low.

"Jeran said something about making sure to check out the situation, but he's not been able to today. He's still watching over Vy. Her leg is pretty bad. You'll have to ask him though when we get back home cause I'm sure he'll need further desciptions on the guys involved. He does need any information that will help them track the guys down."

Now comes the hard part because something has been weighing on my mind for some time. I sigh heavily and turn toward the stroller again and take a few steps and motion for Matthew to follow.

"Matthew. What's going to happen next time?" I question him and bit into my lip for a few moments to weight the silence that follows. "What happens if the next time... is the last time? What am I suppose to do? I'm being serious and I'm scared for you, baby. You keep getting the short end of the straw every single time and I'm..." I hold my tongue.

"You think that hasn't crossed my mind? What do you think has been going on inside of me when four guys tried to smash my skull in in some basement - I thought I'd never see you again... or when you didn't let me hold Mira or when they told me that my lung collapsed?" He bites. Like all the other times he won't bite his tongue just like me and the words that fly out aren't controlled at all between either of us. It's a bitter moment between us. It's a moment of fear that is escalating this argument this time.

"I was fucking scared, Kyanite. I thought I"d never hold you again.. or.." That's when I see where he looks. He looks at Mira like she's something so precious to be lost and does he really think I didn't want him to hold her or that I was taking her away from him? Yes, I was scared. Yes, I didn't think he should have held her when he could barely breath, I didn't want something to happen to her if he were to fall. I didn't want her immature eyes to witness how horrible her father looked. I wanted to shield her from the bad. I only want her to see the good in her father. Then tears seem to flow from his eyes as well. I don't know what has happened to the man that I first met, but he's not the same guy as he was back then. There has been too much to seperate the old Matthew and the new Matthew. I just wish that some of the actions wouldn't keep following him.

"I don't know, I'm screwed..."

"Matthew..." I say as I watch him turn away from me and chills run down my back. I watch how his body moves with the onset of tears. How, even though I can't see him, I can see his actions and when his hand goes to his face, I know he's hiding the tears that I wish I could see because it's giving him strength, though his next words sends me into a fit of tears as well.

"No. Matthew. Please, don't. Don't leave me again. Let Jeran deal with it? I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to get killed. Okay?" I immediately go to wrap my arms around his waste, placing my face againts his back and practically begging for him to calm down and showing him I dont want to let him go. I won't let go either. At this point, I feel like he's going to have to drag me along with him or force me away and I will not give up so easily.

"If you wont' stay for me, stay for Mira. She deserves a father that will be there in her life. She deserves that much. Don't screw yourself over again. I'm be... begging you. Matthew. For Mira... don't... leave her." I feel my arms tighten around Matthew a little bit more. It's nothing that will hurt him, but it's enough to where he might feel the need that I have for him to stay. He might not have chosen to have a baby but he chose to be with me. And if he chooses me, then he'll do what's best and stay to protect Mira. She's my everything and I don't know what to do if she is left alone.

"For Mira..." I whimper and keep my cheek and face pressed against his back, taking several intakes of air in quick fashions, making my body quake.

I"m doing everything I can to keep a hold on Matthew. Both physically and mentally, but somehow, he's able to get out of my arms. He pushes himself out of my arms and that makes me feel like a tribute and having an arrow pierce right through my heart. It's enough to make me wrap my arms back around in front of me, dropping my eyes from him all together. He always does this and how many more times will I keep trying to hold on to something that will not settle?

"I can't let them get away, Kyanite. Look at what they did to me...and Vy. They'll do it again to the next girl."

I keep my gaze away from him. I let the tears fall without remorse becasue I just don't have the energy to hide my feelings anymore. I just let them show because I am more afraid of losing him then ever before and he just doesn't seem to care. No words escape my lips. No amount of trying anymore because I'm trying to accept the fate that he is giving himself. I'm trying to accept the fate that Mira and myself will be alone soon enough. The future of this supposed 'family' is going down the drain and I'm terrified that it will end badly.

Then his arms touch me and encircle me within his embrace. Some heat exchanges between us. A warming sensation as his voice is suddenly so low and comforting to myself. He's trying to get through to me, but a part of my mind is saying to let him go before he hurts me again. However, the love I feel for him is so deep that I just can't let those thoughts go pass just a simple thought.

"I"m sorry tha I scared you so much. I scared myself, too. I've never had so much to loose. But this is who I am. I"m a fighter and I've got this default. You're right. It might happen again and maybe I'll die but you could be reaped in a few days and die as well. This is who we are. If you want a perfect guy... I"m afraid that's not me."

His words speak the truth and I realize what he's saying. He'll always be a fighter. He'll always get the short end of the stick if he ever does get into a fight. His injury will prevent him from being whole, though I wish he would change enough so he didn't feel like he had to fight just because he was raised that way. At what point in his life will he stop fighting? At what point in his life will he realize he can't just go off into a brawl whenever he feels like it? My life has changed dramatically. Mira has kept me from getting into fights and changed me. If she can do that to me, why not to him?

"You'll have to take me the way I am. Because I'm not ready to let you or Mira go."

"That makes no sense, Matthew." I tell him, letting my voice set at a natural tone. "You will always be a fighter, you say. You also say you don't want to lose me or Mira, but you have to make a choise. One way or another, you're going to lose one. One side of you will have to. You know that, too. I can't control if I am reaped. I can't control my urge to love Mira with my heart and I've also had that default, Matthew. I am... was a career. I did a lot of things in the last few years. I've had to change for Mira because I don't want her to grow up without a mother like I did. I want to be there for her."

I look at him, and step away from his arms and look over to the child and then back to him. "I'm taking you as you are. I'm taking your half functioning lung. I'm taking your wild and crazy antics. I'm taking your love for me and our daughter. But, I won't take the possibility of you leaving Mira though. If I can change from being a career and having that need for adrenaline and wild and crazy antics, then I know you can. You are stronger than I am. I did it for Mira. Will you try please? I don't want a perfect guy. I just want you... to stay."

Pleading and begging Matthew to steer away from the career lifestyle isn't my form of a good conversation. I feel like I'd be robbing him of who he is and I already told him that I am taking him for who he really is, but with Mira, the problem is a lot more complicated. He seems to understand though. He keeps pushing this issue back on Vy and I'll allow it because I'll try to talk to her next. For now, the issue with Matthew is done and I don't want to go any further with this conversation and it's good because he changes it a little as well.

"I'll try really hard for you. Haven't you notice that yet?" I nod and push my cheek further into his hand that is upon my cheek. For a moment, I recall that his hand is on my scarred cheek and I've realized that he's taking me for who I am and I keep going at him. I place my hand on his hand and turn to kiss his palm.

"I do notice. I was just upset, Matthew." Beside us, Mira makes noise and starts to grunt a little, stretching in the stroller and my boyfriend mentions a suggestion that he needs to get home and lay down. For now, he's right. He needs to rest and recooperate after what happened. I nod to him and place my arm around his back and grab for the stroller.

Mira calms down once we get moving again and the world around us just seems to fade away. Peace and quiet surrounds us until Matthew spikes up a question.

"I still have some money that Jeran's been giving to me. He will still be able to help us out until I turn 18 which is in a few months still and Mira will be old enough to be looked after by a sitter. I've been looking into jobs, but even Jeran is adament about me staying home with her until she's old enough. It's rough, I know... I want to help you, Matthew." I tell him, suddenly feeling guilty when he says something about the bill.

"I'll start doing odd jobs that I can do from the house, okay? Or you tell me what I can do to help out. I'll help you pay for the bills. Jeran's help pays for both of us, but my half can help you if it needs to be done. We are together... we will be okay. Okay?" I tell him.

Houses pass us by and soon enough we've reached my house, and I go to the stairs, pulling Mira's stroller up them and opening the door. Inside, I motion to the couch. "Park it, mister." I purr as I take a sleeping Mira out of the stroller and hand her to Matthew. "Hold her while I fix a bottle for when she wakes. Then we can chat some more."

Mira looks absolutely tiny in Matthew's arm. Such a big man compared to such a tiny little girl who don't even weight seven pounds. To him, she probably don't even feel heavier than a feather as much as he's used to taking on in weights and fights. For once, he's suppose to take something with a gentle hand and calm movements. I think it's good for him. He's used to being too rough around the edges and if we'd have had a boy, it would be totally different cause I could totaly see him trying to fist bump his tiny fist and get him started with training since day one, but this little girl offers him something more. She's showing and making him learn that he can be softer. I love watching him with her. The moment that I had her over to him, I glance back at him and watch his adoring eyes on our baby as she curls up into his arms as if he was the greatest cushion ever. I slip through the kitchen door and stop.

"Thank God you're alive, Matthew." I whisper silently to myself, mouthing the words to the ceiling and then going to make good with the reason I came in here in the first place. I grab the powdered milk substance and put in enough to make the milk solution. I add the water and gently shake it and go back to the opening of the kitchen door and peek through, watching Matthew kiss her forehead and I take advantage of this moment and opportunity to delve into this little world we've created.

He rubs her cheek with his bruised hand and even though he's hurt and tired, he is still so gentle with the princess. I pass through as if I hadn't been watching and walk over to them, placing the fresh bottle on the table and folding up my arms.

"Yup. She's growing like a weed. Well, slowly. Just eat and sleep and soon enough she'll grow some fat little cheeks. Healthy though." I indulge Matthew's question with my answer. I take a step closer to them and look down at her sleeping form. I never thought that new babies would sleep so much, but for now, I guess it's a good thing. Some peace and quiet while watching her little chest rise up and down is good. Watching her tiny eyes move from beneath the lids as she dreams of milk and being loved. Even her lips as they purse and pretend to nurse in her sleep. These are the things that I long to never give up. Why do we have to grow up?

Matthew pulls on my arm and I join the two on the couch, snuggling up to Matthew adn drawing my legs up and laying my head over on his arm when I place my finger near Mira's mouth, stimulating her reflexes to wanting to eat. Her fast breathing makes me smile.

"I'll take care of the two of you but do you understand that I can't go back to my dad's company? The asshole didn't even come around."

I noticed that. I did. I didn't understand why cause I had told him about it as well, when I had left that one night. I figured that he would have done something but surprise, surprise. I don't like the way his father is treating him. His father seems to be no better than mine. Then it makes me wonder what is going on with my father. If he's in the detention center or if he's coming around soon. He's never even met his granddaughter, even though the title has been given to the surrogate.

"He knew Matthew and I totally understand. I wouldn't work for him either if he can't see how precious you are to him. You can do it on your own. You don't need your father." I just say it without emotion and lean over kissing Mira's cheek. She stirs for a moment, takes a double breath and suddenly grins. "Did you see that?"

I'm in awe of this moment and reach behind me to grab the folded blanket on the back of the couch and unfold it and carefully place it over my legs and then drap it over to Matthew and Mira. "Let's stay like this." I tell him and turn to him, pushing myself up and kissing Matthew on the cheek followed by pressing my forehead against his ear and letting my lips touch his neck. I breath gently against his skin.