burning in the rain | {trylle/savannah}

I finally burned it yesterday. It took some time, probably because part of me enjoyed going back and reading about the person I once was. But too much has happened since those days. I'm too broken and beaten to ever be that girl again. So, I have decided dwelling on the past is something I shouldn't be wasting my time on anymore. Not when there is so much going on these days that are taking a real toll on my life, (my father being a drug-lord, my sisters acting like complete strangers, and not to mention, I saw him the other day.)

I hate that after this much time it still hurts when he refuses to look my way in the halls. I hate that look on his face, like everything is always so perfect and wonderful in his world, when he left mine in such turmoil that I'm still looking for pieces of the fractured heart he dropped when he left. I hate that no matter what, he will always be okay, and I may not ever be okay.

I hate that I hate him.

But more than that, I hate that I don't.

This time when I saw him it was different, though. This time, he saw me before I saw him, and he was still looking for a moment after I noticed. Just a fraction of a second, his eyes locked onto mine, and I saw the version of himself he once was. Just for a second. then it was back to being Kellan Fray: cold, detached, and annoyed at all those around him.

I have gotten it down to a science, avoiding him. I know not to go anywhere near the square right after school, and I know to never ever walk past the tiny little pub on the outskirts of the district. I made that mistake once and saw him walking out of it with hand glued to Pyrite Shore's and his drunken words slurring over the quiet night.

He didn't love me. I have to remind myself over and over of it. He. Didn't. Love. Me. And because of him, I don't believe in love anymore. (I think.)

Because of what he did, I am just like him. I play with hearts like their pawns of a game that I always win. I treat boys like possessions when I know it's wrong, but I can't find the will to tell myself to just stop. Probably because he still hasn't noticed, in truth.

so, I have devised a plan, and this one will work. This time, I'll make sure he notices. This time, I'll make sure he is the one left marred and broken. And that is why I find myself taking a seat next to his cousin on a bench just outside the square. Word has it Trylle and his sisters are living with Kellan now. Their parents were game pieces like the boys I use, like I was to Kellan. It's sad, but part of me wishes something similar would happen to me.

No, I don't wish that. I could never -- but my parents but my sisters but my life in general it's all becoming too much and Ican'thandleitmuchlonger.

I need a release.

I need this to work.

So I offer him a smile: laced with venom and forged from envy.

"Do you want to buy me a drink?"

ϟ
table by zoe