save my soul // key oneshot
Jul 4, 2015 20:09:53 GMT -5
Post by Stare on Jul 4, 2015 20:09:53 GMT -5
42:02:01
i've gone on too long
carrying the weight of
this heart of stone
just let me go
carrying the weight of
this heart of stone
just let me go
The sky isn’t real.
Maybe that’s what hurts the most - that in a dizzying world where I have just taken a life and lost one, where all I can taste is blood and sweat, where I can’t feel the thing in my chest beating anymore even though I know it must be there, even the sky is a lie. My forehead presses against the glass, eyes searching the stars for some method to the madness, teeth gritting together so tightly it’s a miracle they don’t break. It’s been like this for hours, now, ever since we got far enough away from the chaos. Ever since we lost Simon. I think I’m trying to find some familiarity, something that connects me back to my old life. I want those late nights spent up in the highest point of District Three, when I would close my eyes and let the wind take me farther than the Capitol could ever reach. When all I wanted was the be lighter than air, spending more time touching the stars than the earth. When the worst crime I’d ever committed was theft, not murder.
I lean farther against the window, closing my eyes and drawing in a shuddering breath. I want to go home.
Eventually I manage to peel myself away. I focus on my hands, curling my fingers and scrunching my palms. Some of the dried blood comes off, little flecks of brown that drift into my lap. I stare at them for a moment. Gone. I want it all gone. As if blood is the only evidence of my crime, as if there aren’t a thousand television screens that are replaying those moments over and over again. As if my name won’t forever be scrawled in the records next to hers, marking me as her killer. My hands begin to shake, my throat tightening. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.
I’m on my feet before I know what’s happening, nails tearing desperately at my knuckles, my fingertips, the lines of my palms. I claw at myself until it’s my own blood at not hers that blooms through fresh cuts, until my skin is raw and red and stinging. Until the dried blood is gone, falling like ashes, and every bit of her is erased from me. Until I can’t think about anything except for the pain. After that I alternate between throwing them down at my sides and dragging them through my hair, pacing the train car restlessly. I want Rhyme back. I want Simon back. I want Rowan back. But all that’s left of them for me are last breaths, lingering memories, voices that won’t leave me no matter how hard I press my hands to my ears in an attempt to drown them out. I want them back but they’re gone and they’re never coming back.
Clockwork. It’s just -
I grab my pen and throw it across the car in frustration, turning away from the sound of it hitting the far wall and collapsing back into my place my the window. My breathing is uneven and uncertain as I draw out my pocketwatch, flipping the top and staring at the face. I watch the second hand move around and around, and I swear it gets slower and slower. These are the hours that stretch out the longest - the ones spent trembling after a fight, suffering in the wake of a loss, staggering away from the bloodshed.
(I killed her, didn’t I? I killed her.)
(These ghosts won’t stop - )
(Clockwork.)
(Okay.)
I rise slowly and cross the car to where the pen flashes in the dim light. My fingers clutch it, shaking slightly as I go back to my seat and draw out my paper. The first few lines are rough and squiggly because I can’t get my hand to stay steady, but eventually I turn the paper over and it starts to come out the way I want it to. Eventually I fall into old routines, my shoulders relaxing slightly, my heartbeat steadying.
When I’ve finished, I tuck it back into my bag and return my gaze to the false stars.
This is how it feels.
who will save my soul?
after all the things that
i've done wrong
i don't belong
[Kiena drinks one jug of purified water]
[Kiena performs First Aid on Stella]
[Kiena uses medicinal plants and needle and thread on Stella]
[Kiena uses medicinal plants on self for -2]
[Kiena uses 5ft of bandages on self for -1]
[Kiena receives 1 iodine tablet from Stella]
[Kiena gives Stella empty water jug]
after all the things that
i've done wrong
i don't belong
[Kiena drinks one jug of purified water]
[Kiena performs First Aid on Stella]
[Kiena uses medicinal plants and needle and thread on Stella]
[Kiena uses medicinal plants on self for -2]
[Kiena uses 5ft of bandages on self for -1]
[Kiena receives 1 iodine tablet from Stella]
[Kiena gives Stella empty water jug]
