it comes in threes {for stella}
Jul 12, 2015 1:25:02 GMT -5
Post by Stare on Jul 12, 2015 1:25:02 GMT -5
68:39:07
my star does not shine
my heart just slows down
my eye starts to cry
my heart just slows down
my eye starts to cry
I killed Stella Summit.
It’s something that screams, a voice that flows through every vein into every fiber of my being. It sits in my throat, choking me, and swims behind my eyes, blinding me. It rests on my skin, hardening over like the blood there, and whispers through my mind, poisonous thoughts that threaten to blot out my sanity. I killed Stella Summit. The world is darkness, like a night without the moon. Like a sky without stars. It is silence, like the graveyard. Like a windless morning. And the nothingness entwines with the pain until I can’t tell one from the other, until I’m numbly stumbling with her body in my arms and no destination in mind. I killed Stella Summit. Her breathing is shallow, fading away, but she’s still with me. I clutch her to me like that could stop her from leaving, like I could somehow give her some of my life and she’d be saved.
I killed Stella Summit by stabbing her in the chest, but mine is the heart that’s bleeding.
You asked for hell, so that’s what you got, dear.
“You’re fine,” I whisper, even though she’s not. I trip, nearly fall, then right myself and stagger onward. “You’re going to be okay.” And then, because I’m sick of spouting lies, “This is all my fault. I’m sorry, Stella. I’m so, so sorry.”
When I find them it’s not even a surprise. I can’t bring myself to gasp or cringe or run away. Instead my eyes meet Sue’s across the distance and I move toward him, dropping to my knees a few yards away and gently laying her on the ground. My hand smooths the hair back from her face while the other desperately presses against her chest, trying to keep the blood from flowing. Instead it presses up between my fingers, staining her clothing black and my palm scarlet. After a few moments I pull it away, shaking, because I’ve always been honest with myself up until now. She’s dying. There’s nothing I can do.
So, so sorry.
“And perhaps I was always too loyal to you, that even when you were killing me-” She speaks and I feel my throat constrict, my chest tightening. “I still refused to leave your side-"
I catch the sob before it leaves me, shaking my head. I can feel the others’ presence but I don’t acknowledge it, because in this moment I owe it to Stella to make her my world. She is a dying star, and I’ll be willing consumed by the darkness of her death. It’s what I deserve, after all. “You should have known better.” I can barely breathe around the words. “I’m not worth it, Stella. I’m s-so… s-sorry.”
And that is when I choose to finally lift my broken gaze to Sue, my crimson hands lying uselessly in my lap. “I broke her,” I whisper, my voice shaking so much it’s a miracle it comes out at all. “It was me.”
There’s no sympathy. I wasn’t expecting any. Instead I watch him flare to life, broken and angry and confused all at once. I’m almost envious - I wish I could feel something other than this bottomless grieving. It eats away at me from the inside, merciless. His words simply beat at me on the outside, and even though they’re harsh and loud they can’t even compare. “Why can’t you fix anything, Kiena?”
I thrust my palms in front of me, as if to show him the blood and make him understand. There’s a kind of desperation in me to make someone understand. “I only break things. Haven’t you figured that out by now?”
He is a whirlwind, a tornado, but for the time being I ignore the storm and return my attention to Stella. Digging through my bag, I find the piece of paper from last night. Gently, my heart pounding, I lift it and show it to her. “It’s… it’s a blueprint. For a flying machine that would get us out of here.” My finger trembles as it points out the four figures roughly sketched in. “See? That’s us. You, me, Simon, and Rowan.” My voice catches, and I lay it down on her chest. Tears are streaming down my cheeks, hot and sticky. “I want y-you to have it, okay?”
Eventually Sue must catch sight of the note, because he grows quiet and still. I rummage around in my bag again and pull out the caramels. Four of them, for the four of us. Now there’s only one left, the worst of the lot. I clutch them and pull the note from Stella’s pocket, shoving both toward Sue. “I don’t want them. Please, take them away.” And he does. Something in him changes as he reads the note.
“She was home…”
I lose my voice at his words and can only cry, staring down at Stella through the tears. I watch over her until her face goes pale and her eyes empty, until she’s still and silent. I watch her until it feels like my heart might break from seeing her in such a way. And I know that it’s time to let her go. I know it’s time to let them all go.
But I keep on watching her anyway, because Stella Summit was the most beautiful girl I knew.
what if when i'll be back
you won't be waiting for me
i know i have to do it now
but i won't
you won't be waiting for me
i know i have to do it now
but i won't