if i said sorry .| bustyn

eulalie blake 1a 🍒 tris
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if i said sorry .| bustyn Jul 24, 2015 10:26:47 GMT -5

Post by eulalie blake 1a 🍒 tris on Jul 24, 2015 10:26:47 GMT -5

The kiss had been so soft, but the fairy-tales hadn't warned that it would leave a scar -- that finally giving in, and finally allowing myself to love him without fear, would result in the raging storm that I had always seen lingering on the horizon. Because Dustyn Chase didn't know -- he didn't know that the gilded cage of my bones was nothing more than a mask of painted marrow, and now he knows that I'm just a shell of the girl that the world tried to say I was. Because I'm not perfect, and I'm not someone to treasure, and I'm not someone to care for.

And he had wanted me, once -- but that was in the past, and the last time he had held me close was when Tiger's life was stolen from her. Death was the thief that took her heart, but Dustyn Chase was the bandit lurking in the darkness of my mind. He took my heart in the exact moment that Tiger left my life, and when all of our childhood forts made of mere pillows came tumbling down, I felt threatened for the first time in my life. Vulnerable, and weak. Our last interaction was born from pity, and when the rising sun poured through his window that I had cracked with rocks, splashing over our skin like a kaleidoscope of sins, he had turned his cheek.

("Bye, Bette.")

Dustyn had been my prince, so shame on me for becoming the dragon. His sword sliding across my throat was merciful, and when I bled out in solitude, I couldn't blame him; I couldn't blame him for leaving me -- because I had known he would. Everyone leaves in the end, and as desperately as I had wanted him, I was so terrified of losing the one person that actually made me feel beautiful. Not beautiful in the sense of aesthetics -- however, in the sense of having someone so warm press his fingertips to your flesh, assuring you with each breath that you were proof enough alone to account for the creation of the world. I had told myself to not give in, to always ignore my passions, and to just leave us as we were. I shouldn't have kissed him those few tears ago -- when I was scared, and when I couldn't hold the facade any longer. That kiss was what finally brought out lips together, but what sent our souls ripping apart.

(Sick thing was -- I didn't regret it.)

All I regretted was losing him. I had lost him to the cigarettes, and to the girls who weren't as stubborn as me. Girls who would see those eyes of his, and who would melt in his arms the way I had always longed to. I fucked up. I spent so long trying to keep everything in my life together, that I never realized that I was the very one who was knocking over all of my pillars of sanity. I made a world of my own inside of the forest, with Dustyn beside me on the throne. We had been children, and as fine as I was with losing everyone else -- I couldn't lose him. I was a disaster given human form, and despite being so frail in his wake, I should have known that I'd destroy him -- 'cause God knows that I was destroying myself, too.

I looked up when I heard the soft crunch of gravels beneath feet, and there he was before me. On our little path -- one that we had passed each other on so many times after the fallout, but never had the courage to speak. My throat burned, and I suddenly refused the thought of giving him up. I'd already lost him, but there was a part of him within me, and that was something I could never lose.

"Dustyn," I whispered to his walking form, and just his name falling from my lips made me feel so warm. "Dustyn, I-...," I continued, though I found myself faltering.

"Dustyn, I'm sorry." -- and if I was to say sorry, would you save me?

table: zoë

Last Edit: Jul 24, 2015 16:53:35 GMT -5 by eulalie blake 1a 🍒 tris

all my girls got their lace and their crimes.

umber vivuus 12b 🥀 [dars]
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if i said sorry .| bustyn Jul 24, 2015 15:40:42 GMT -5

Post by umber vivuus 12b 🥀 [dars] on Jul 24, 2015 15:40:42 GMT -5

. DUSTYN .
"statues and empires
all at your hands"

He was allowed to make mistakes.

His life was built on perfection: straight back, harder swings, bigger smiles, smoother words. It was nice to be human for once, to feel the blood his heart pumped become heated, even against his own fevered flesh. It was nice to swallow flames and somehow find himself swimming through his life, when the night made him a star and the day gave him wings. He was not perfect. Maybe he never was, but at least now he had given up hope.

Hope.

What a joke. It was hope who laughed and pointed at him when his lips met Bette's. It was hope who rolled with laughter when Bette couldn't change. It was hope who broke Dustyn Chase, and from the cracks came a boy rebuilt on lies and let-downs, and he was coming for the power of the night after turning his back on the promises of the light.

He made it a point to stay away from his house. He made it a point to go the long way around when he was ready to sleep. Because he couldn't handle walking past her house or chance seeing the sunshine that was her hair and her smile. He couldn't do it. He wouldn't face her. But there were always slip ups, times when he needed to see her just so he could breathe again. To and from school, at lunch. He would watch her and he knew she watched back with hopeful eyes but that was the thing. Dustyn knew a secret Bette had not yet learned and it was that hope is what was scary, because hope was not real and heartbreak was.

This time, he thought it was late enough. It usually was. He could walk home then and he knew she would already be inside dreaming whatever dreams the marvelous Bette Chautin contained within her beautiful, broken mind. She usually was. But tonight, she walked toward him with a broken smile and cloudy eyes, and he had half a mind to keep walking.

Weeks. Maybe even months. It had been so long without hearing her voice that it almost did not sound real when he heard it whisper his name. "Dustyn." Like she was saying it for herself as much as she was for him, and it hurt. It hurt to hear it and it hurt to see her hurting but it hurt even more that he could never have her.

He passed her and kept walking, swallowing the pain that burned in his throat. "Dustyn, I-" he plead, but he didn't stop.

"Dustyn, I'm sorry."

Finally, he stopped. He wouldn't face her. For some reason it made things seem real, so he just stared up at the sky through his drunken blur of vision. "Do you know what it's like now? Not having the one person you want? It's like having this thirst you can't quench, or having a wound that won't heal, and it hurts. It burns. And I have felt it for so long that I don't... I don't even remember what it's like to feel normal. And that is your fault, so you should be sorry."

He found the bravery to face her then, hating how bold he'd become with a little influence of liquid courage. "I loved you. All of you. I wanted you every day and you pushed me away for a very long time." It burned his throat to speak the words but they had been sitting idle on his tongue for weeks and once they started falling out, the relief that came with the pain made the pain bearable. "So you should be sorry. But I'm not."

^{I AM A GARDEN OF BLACK AND RED AGONIES}

eulalie blake 1a 🍒 tris
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if i said sorry .| bustyn Jul 24, 2015 16:50:05 GMT -5

Post by eulalie blake 1a 🍒 tris on Jul 24, 2015 16:50:05 GMT -5

Each word he said was like a fracturing of her bones, and she was surprised at herself for not screaming -- though there was no reason for the initial shock, for her throat was far too worn to cry out in agony. She bit her lip, shaking her head in the typical fashion, and she realized that apologizing wasn't going to cut it. You couldn't crush a bird in your hands, just to throw it into the sky with a, "Sorry!"

And Dustyn Chase's wings were fractured, now. He was angry, and his words were like feathers of steel slashing at her heart, but she couldn't blame him. She clenched her jaw, nodding her head for the first time in her life. She was tired of acting like everything was just a misunderstanding, when the fault was always hers. Dustyn did not deserve that, and it was foolish of her to cry out in pain, when it was she who was digging her nails into his flesh.

"I don't blame you," she said, and she felt her legs shake as she refused to urge to get any closer. "I fucked up. I'm not sorry for what I did -- I can't change that. It's not something that I can just shrug off, and you should hate me for it. What I did-... What I did was wrong," I continued, drumming my fingers against my thigh. "I'm sorry for-... I'm sorry that you didn't realize." I inhaled a shaky breath, rubbing at my eyes with closed fists.

"Dustyn, I'm sorry you didn't realize that I'm a fraud. I-... Ever since we were children, you were my best friend. You-... Dustyn, you are my best friend. You're the one person-... You're the one person who mattered the most to me -- because you made me feel like I could do anything. You didn't care about yourself -- because for some reason you cared more about me, and you made me feel so special, and I-... I didn't want you to love me. Because I knew-... Because I thought that I'd-... I always knew that someday I'd hurt you, and you're the one fucking person that I can't bear to see in pain. I-...," I said, though I found myself at a loss for words. I knew what was coming, and it was the one thing I refused to say aloud; the one thing I wouldn't let myself confess -- because I didn't want him to love me back.

"I loved you, Dustyn. I still love you -- and I've always loved you. You were the first person I've ever loved, and the one person I'll always love, and I-... I didn't wanna lose you. I was content with letting you go -- just to not get you hurt. Because I'm a fucking disaster, Dustyn. I hurt everyone I care about -- because I'm reckless, and I'm brash, and I-... I was selfish for giving in. I shouldn't have-... It was wrong of me to make you think that I was ready, but I-... I wanted to be, but I-... You don't deserve me. You deserve the universe, and the stars, and a girl who can make you happy."

I began to gasp, running a hand through my hair. "I love you, Dustyn Chase. For the last seventeen years of my life, I've loved you. And I was afraid -- I was afraid of losing you, and I was terrified of you settling for me when you could have any girl you wanted. Because you don't know your worth. You were too busy making me feel beautiful to realize that-... Dustyn you're the most beautiful person here. Not me. It's never been me. It's you. You're everything I'm not, and I wish I could be half the person that you are."

I stepped forward, hesitantly at first, but walked forward with more ferocity as I began to shake. "I'm afraid. I'm afraid of so many things -- because when I met you, I knew no one else in the world could take your place. And the thought-... The thought of losing you was just-... I couldn't let myself love you -- because I couldn't lose you." I paused, and I realized that I was suddenly inches from his face. "It was for nothing, wasn't it? I hurt you -- by trying to keep you safe from me."

I turned away, nothing but a weak breath falling from my lips. "Dustyn-... Hate me. Please, hate me. I deserve it, and please, go ahead and leave me. But, please -- find a girl who will give you the world that you deserve, and love yourself the way that I was too scared to; that I was-... That I was-...," I tried to go on, but found myself unable to continue.

"No," I whispered to myself, the wind blowing my hair across my face. "I'm not afraid anymore. Not anymore. I love you, Dustyn Chase." I smiled, despite the tears -- because now I could live on, knowing that I had told my true love that I wasn't afraid. Because why should I be? He was just as broken as I was, and two shattered people have nothing to risk when they crash into each other, forming one mass of fractured beauty.

(You don't have to be afraid, Bette Chautin.)

"I love you," I assured -- and suddenly, the world was safe.

table: zoë

all my girls got their lace and their crimes.

umber vivuus 12b 🥀 [dars]
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if i said sorry .| bustyn Jul 24, 2015 17:21:20 GMT -5

Post by umber vivuus 12b 🥀 [dars] on Jul 24, 2015 17:21:20 GMT -5

. DUSTYN .
"statues and empires
all at your hands"

Her words summoned tears-- both from her own eyes and from his and he hated her for it. He hated her for making him so weak, even after all the time he had spent trying to grow strong. In the end it would never matter: he was Dustyn and, reborn from his own ashes or not, he had the same core. His knees would still buckle at her smile and his heart would plead for him to take her hands in his when she wept and even though the words burned like fire from the dragons in their childish games of make-believe, they made him happy. They made him love her a little more. And he never knew that was possible. And since she could finally speak the words out loud, he had a decision to make:

Did he still love her?

Or was it time to let go?

~~I can't let her go.~~

~~I need her.~~

"I love you, too."

He was not sure how it happened. He did not know who started it but one moment he stared at her trembling face, her hair silver in the moonlight and her eyes sparkling like diamonds with tears, and the next his lips and her lips collided and a universe was born between them, with new stars and light and life all it's own. And he couldn't think, not without her and also not with her this close to him. When they broke apart his thoughts finally came rushing in. No! She's vile she tried to break me she ruined me she hurt i deserve better but fuck iloveher

And then he remembered he was no saint. And he wondered if she would feel the same when he told her the truth. He wondered if she would feel the same if she knew how different he had become in the months they had spent apart.

"I slept with someone." the words were ice in the fire that burned around them-- foreign and cold and honest and terrifying. And he could feel the blizzard that was to come. "I slept with someone and... and I drink. I drink now because when I'm sober I think about you. And I can't deal with not having you. I can't handle being away from you. But at the same time, I can't ignore everything you have done to me, Bette. I can't pretend that my heart wasn't broken because it was. And I can't think straight when I am around you, but I can't..." He felt the gasps of air, the mournful words. His chest shuddered. He tried speaking clearly but only sobs fall out. "I can't breathe without you." He said through the heaves of his chest.

"So I drink. And I sleep around. Because living without you sucks, Bette, and I don't care if you are ready or not anymore. I don't give a fuck. I love you and you love me and that's it. That's all that matters. I miss you."

He pulled her in and squeezed her body against him, and he whispered to her through her hair. "I miss my best friend." He pulled away and looked her in the eyes -- which suddenly was a lot harder than he had ever noticed. Because this time it was him that was wrong. He was the heart breaker and she was the victim that never saw it coming. "I lied earlier. I am sorry. I'm sorry I gave up on you- on us. Because I know. I know you are stubborn and I know I am naive but I know we could work. I could make you happy."

He paused and sighed.

"If you'll let me."