Ancis Goner | Peacekeeper | FIN
Aug 24, 2015 18:10:26 GMT -5
Post by flyss on Aug 24, 2015 18:10:26 GMT -5
GLOW
ANCIS DELYNOVA GONER
Pitch black, pale blue
There was a stained glass, variation of the truth
And I felt empty handed
ANCIS DELYNOVA GONER
Pitch black, pale blue
There was a stained glass, variation of the truth
And I felt empty handed
Sometimes, when thinned fingers held her ailing form like child to a mother's breast, I would get mesmerised in the seeping crimsons and ickling browns of her hair. The cinnamon-drenched lockes fell in waterfalls over her shoulders, and collarbones, and down to where her belly button rest mid-stomach, a trail of forced love to line her ribs like a spiderweb of bullets to an army man. We loved each other- that much was true- but she was sick and I was not, and we both had too much on our plates to fully invest into something so utterly petty. The girl I 'loved' was dying and I could do nothing but stand there and watch because that's what belief she held dear to her heart.
"Nova, my shining star," she had whispered from her place on my bed, bony legs hidden under the cotton sheets like they were already gone, like she was already leaving, and I remember vividly, the feeling of me gagging as I nodded softly in acknowledgement. "You shine brighter than any comet that has dared shoot across our darling sky, and don't let a damn thing get in your way from that happiness because boy, you deserve it." She was lying to me, though, with these few words, and I couldn't stand it because any liar was as good as dead to me. Still, I had replied politely because she was my lover and I was supposed to care, I was required to care, and I couldn't let the girl who I had devoted a good chunk of my life to die without a final saying in how she wanted to make the world her own.
"Alright, Earnest. I'll do my best." And with that, I could no longer look her in the eyes because I, too, was at fault for the single thing that I had hated so-very-much on everyone else; the cape of dishonesty fit like a glove, but not a thing did I regret because it simply wasn't within my capacity. Nothing was in my capacity, when I was beside her, actually.
Her eyes- those shimmering blue-green-hazel orbs I had begun to fall in love with- were the vastness of a sea I had yet to explore and her lips- those shapely pink-red-rose presents I had begun to learn to appreciate- were the infiniteness of a world I had yet to know about. Everything about this girl- everything about this Earnest Wellings- was an enigma in itself. Surely, she would hold the answers to my questions, for that was all I had ever asked of her, but with a frown upon her face and a furrow of brow that left me dazed, all I knew in the end was that those keys I wanted weren't her's to give away. Still, though, she said those few words that I dreaded more than oblivion in it's entirety; they were too little to be seen, but hell- oh hell- were they big enough to crush me under the pressure of their meaning.
"I love you, Ancis,"
And I couldn't help but wish to scream.
A silent moment passed between her speech and the reaching of her hand up to my collar, and I expected her to simply kiss me and leave it there, but when her lips lingered on mine for a more enlongated period than usual, I knew something was different about it this time. She pulled away from me for a split-second, only to return with the breath of an 'I' swimming about in the sparse air between us. Again, she did this- for five more times, she did this- and each came with a new word to haunt me with our connection.
'love'
'you'
'Ancis'
'Goner'
And then finally, the last words I clearly remember her saying.
'more than you will ever know.'
Of course, we continued to speak after that all the same. Every afternoon, in the dimness of evening light, I would stroke her hair and her ears and her face with the gentlity of an infant, and she would smile and hum a song that was long-forgotten from our childhood. Everything was peaceful in her eyes, and everything was serene; she thought that we were in love and frankly, that's all she genuinely needed to stay happy.
Every day, before I would climb into bed beside her, she would repeat that phrase like it was the only thing she had. Each time, a word would fall off of the end like a puzzle piece lost under child's bed.
'I love you, Ancis Goner.'
'I love you, Ancis.'
'I love you.'
'I love.'
'I.'
And then she would fall into a deep slumber, my lips grazing her forehead ever-so-softly because I was her prince, and she was my sleeping beauty. The only difference between our intertwining stories was that I couldn't break the curse that was coming unto her.
One night, I noticed that something was up. Earnest's normally vibrant eyes were glazed over like sight was an alien thing to her, and her dazzling smile wasn't planted on her face like it belonged there. I grabbed a book from the shelf when I sat this time and offered to read a story. She nodded, but no words came out of her mouth.
With a pitiful expression on face, I fumbled with the pages for a moment before opening the book to the first page, brushing my ashed hair behind my ear, and clearing my throat with the softest of intents.
'There once was a child who wished to be royalty,' parched tongue moved to lick the perimeter of my lips as I spoke, and I coughed gently, looking over to the woman I had known my entire life, as she lay nearly motionless on the bed. 'Every day, she would wake up at the rooster's caw, bring a pot of tea to the prince's chambers, and go off to fulfil her daily tasks that were scattered about the castle.'
'One day, when she went to gather the empty cups and glasses from her superior's room all the normal, he asked her to stay with a smile upon her face, and that she did exactly.'
' "What is it that you want, your highness?" ' She asked with a smile so beautiful that it seemed to freeze the young aristocrat in his steps. He chuckled whole-heartedly at her question and sat down at the edge of his bed, legs crossed in a way of confidence. '
I read with a vigour that made me lose myself within softened speech and before I knew it, I could feel a hand reaching for my own and tightening as roughly as possible when you have nothing left of you but a hint of raw soul. My body stiffened unnoticeably and I could tell that she was close, if not already slipping into the fingertips of the unknown. My words faded the longer I spoke them, and everything soon became second place to my eyes being locked on her face in a soothing way.
'Thank you, Ancis. You can stop reading now, if you wish.' I nearly jumped when I heard Earnest speak, her presence having been mute in the minutes prior. Every inch of me shivered as I felt her hand loosen intensely, glassed eyes fluttering in a way I had only seen on the television screens, but still, she held on.
Her illness was the elephant in the room by now, and no matter how much I wished to point it out, I couldn't because it was just too bad that I happened to be curious about the fact that within minutes, I could be left to my own thoughts, my own desires, and my own self.
I was quickly snapped out of my thoughts by a makeshift mumbling that rose from below me and began to trace my ears like kindergarten crosswords in the morning. I leaned down closer, catching onto her repeats of the syllables because even she knew how fragile she was becoming with the passing seconds.
"Could you do somethi-" she took a soft breath in before continuing, her ribs leaving ruffles in the sheet that took place over her body like a blanket of snow. "-ng for me?" With a swelling mass stuck in my throat and a tear threatening to take charge down my face, I said nothing, allowing Earnest to assume what she pleased.
"Say it. Just once- please." And without her specifying, the gears clicked into place one-by-one, leaving me in the dust for whatever comes to feast because that's what I am now; a meal for someone stronger. I can't do it because I don't possess the meaning, so I shake my head.
And she shakes hers.
"Ancis- Nova- do it. Do it, please." Desperation leaked through the cracks in her voice like lava and I kept my face solemn because if I were to break, I would b r e a k. But she was struggling to sit up now, and I could feel her fingers clawing at my shirt; still, though, I did not move because I wasn't going to let her fall, not after my refusal to give her the only thing she wanted.
"SAY IT!" I could barely make out the tears on her face as I attempted to see through my own, but they were there and the wetness that fell onto my hands due to such stung harshly like acid burning thinned skin from bone. She cried out and I stumbled because in all honesty, I couldn't handle the pure brutality of the truth.
As I felt her weight distribute off of me and back onto the bed, I let my free hand roam up to my face and wipe the remnants of my weakness off and down onto the collar of my shirt. Soft sobs scattered the silence that held precedent in the room, but I didn't mind because she didn't mind, and that was okay.
"Sa-a-ay i-it." But I couldn't because I was too weak for this world, and like my mother had said to me when I was but a small boy, the weak are never truly alive.
A few moments later, once the cries had ceased, I felt her fingers fall from my body slowly, at first, then all at once. I held my head high, chin up and mouth pressed into a thin line, not because I felt victorious, but because I couldn't bear to look down unto the inevitable- the way her eyes would be open and still bloodshot from her tears, the way her lips would be parted from that last breath that I had failed to hear because it was so fragile (like her, I added,) and most importantly, that warmth that I had relied on so many days that the count doesn't exist, would be gone, sunken to her back like the wings that weren't forming- like the wings that would never form because surely, if there was a god, she would be damned to hell.
I was the worst friend- the worst lover- she could have asked for, but she continued to stick with me to the end, even when I denied her the last thing she would ever request.
And I felt like I was shattering because of it.
So pushing down the bile in my throat and running a quick hand through my hair, I leaned down to her level, just inches from her face, and placed a feathered kiss onto her chilling lips.
I say nothing and walk out of the room.
"Nova, my shining star," she had whispered from her place on my bed, bony legs hidden under the cotton sheets like they were already gone, like she was already leaving, and I remember vividly, the feeling of me gagging as I nodded softly in acknowledgement. "You shine brighter than any comet that has dared shoot across our darling sky, and don't let a damn thing get in your way from that happiness because boy, you deserve it." She was lying to me, though, with these few words, and I couldn't stand it because any liar was as good as dead to me. Still, I had replied politely because she was my lover and I was supposed to care, I was required to care, and I couldn't let the girl who I had devoted a good chunk of my life to die without a final saying in how she wanted to make the world her own.
"Alright, Earnest. I'll do my best." And with that, I could no longer look her in the eyes because I, too, was at fault for the single thing that I had hated so-very-much on everyone else; the cape of dishonesty fit like a glove, but not a thing did I regret because it simply wasn't within my capacity. Nothing was in my capacity, when I was beside her, actually.
Her eyes- those shimmering blue-green-hazel orbs I had begun to fall in love with- were the vastness of a sea I had yet to explore and her lips- those shapely pink-red-rose presents I had begun to learn to appreciate- were the infiniteness of a world I had yet to know about. Everything about this girl- everything about this Earnest Wellings- was an enigma in itself. Surely, she would hold the answers to my questions, for that was all I had ever asked of her, but with a frown upon her face and a furrow of brow that left me dazed, all I knew in the end was that those keys I wanted weren't her's to give away. Still, though, she said those few words that I dreaded more than oblivion in it's entirety; they were too little to be seen, but hell- oh hell- were they big enough to crush me under the pressure of their meaning.
"I love you, Ancis,"
And I couldn't help but wish to scream.
A silent moment passed between her speech and the reaching of her hand up to my collar, and I expected her to simply kiss me and leave it there, but when her lips lingered on mine for a more enlongated period than usual, I knew something was different about it this time. She pulled away from me for a split-second, only to return with the breath of an 'I' swimming about in the sparse air between us. Again, she did this- for five more times, she did this- and each came with a new word to haunt me with our connection.
'love'
'you'
'Ancis'
'Goner'
And then finally, the last words I clearly remember her saying.
'more than you will ever know.'
Of course, we continued to speak after that all the same. Every afternoon, in the dimness of evening light, I would stroke her hair and her ears and her face with the gentlity of an infant, and she would smile and hum a song that was long-forgotten from our childhood. Everything was peaceful in her eyes, and everything was serene; she thought that we were in love and frankly, that's all she genuinely needed to stay happy.
Every day, before I would climb into bed beside her, she would repeat that phrase like it was the only thing she had. Each time, a word would fall off of the end like a puzzle piece lost under child's bed.
'I love you, Ancis Goner.'
'I love you, Ancis.'
'I love you.'
'I love.'
'I.'
And then she would fall into a deep slumber, my lips grazing her forehead ever-so-softly because I was her prince, and she was my sleeping beauty. The only difference between our intertwining stories was that I couldn't break the curse that was coming unto her.
One night, I noticed that something was up. Earnest's normally vibrant eyes were glazed over like sight was an alien thing to her, and her dazzling smile wasn't planted on her face like it belonged there. I grabbed a book from the shelf when I sat this time and offered to read a story. She nodded, but no words came out of her mouth.
With a pitiful expression on face, I fumbled with the pages for a moment before opening the book to the first page, brushing my ashed hair behind my ear, and clearing my throat with the softest of intents.
'There once was a child who wished to be royalty,' parched tongue moved to lick the perimeter of my lips as I spoke, and I coughed gently, looking over to the woman I had known my entire life, as she lay nearly motionless on the bed. 'Every day, she would wake up at the rooster's caw, bring a pot of tea to the prince's chambers, and go off to fulfil her daily tasks that were scattered about the castle.'
'One day, when she went to gather the empty cups and glasses from her superior's room all the normal, he asked her to stay with a smile upon her face, and that she did exactly.'
' "What is it that you want, your highness?" ' She asked with a smile so beautiful that it seemed to freeze the young aristocrat in his steps. He chuckled whole-heartedly at her question and sat down at the edge of his bed, legs crossed in a way of confidence. '
I read with a vigour that made me lose myself within softened speech and before I knew it, I could feel a hand reaching for my own and tightening as roughly as possible when you have nothing left of you but a hint of raw soul. My body stiffened unnoticeably and I could tell that she was close, if not already slipping into the fingertips of the unknown. My words faded the longer I spoke them, and everything soon became second place to my eyes being locked on her face in a soothing way.
'Thank you, Ancis. You can stop reading now, if you wish.' I nearly jumped when I heard Earnest speak, her presence having been mute in the minutes prior. Every inch of me shivered as I felt her hand loosen intensely, glassed eyes fluttering in a way I had only seen on the television screens, but still, she held on.
Her illness was the elephant in the room by now, and no matter how much I wished to point it out, I couldn't because it was just too bad that I happened to be curious about the fact that within minutes, I could be left to my own thoughts, my own desires, and my own self.
I was quickly snapped out of my thoughts by a makeshift mumbling that rose from below me and began to trace my ears like kindergarten crosswords in the morning. I leaned down closer, catching onto her repeats of the syllables because even she knew how fragile she was becoming with the passing seconds.
"Could you do somethi-" she took a soft breath in before continuing, her ribs leaving ruffles in the sheet that took place over her body like a blanket of snow. "-ng for me?" With a swelling mass stuck in my throat and a tear threatening to take charge down my face, I said nothing, allowing Earnest to assume what she pleased.
"Say it. Just once- please." And without her specifying, the gears clicked into place one-by-one, leaving me in the dust for whatever comes to feast because that's what I am now; a meal for someone stronger. I can't do it because I don't possess the meaning, so I shake my head.
And she shakes hers.
"Ancis- Nova- do it. Do it, please." Desperation leaked through the cracks in her voice like lava and I kept my face solemn because if I were to break, I would b r e a k. But she was struggling to sit up now, and I could feel her fingers clawing at my shirt; still, though, I did not move because I wasn't going to let her fall, not after my refusal to give her the only thing she wanted.
"SAY IT!" I could barely make out the tears on her face as I attempted to see through my own, but they were there and the wetness that fell onto my hands due to such stung harshly like acid burning thinned skin from bone. She cried out and I stumbled because in all honesty, I couldn't handle the pure brutality of the truth.
As I felt her weight distribute off of me and back onto the bed, I let my free hand roam up to my face and wipe the remnants of my weakness off and down onto the collar of my shirt. Soft sobs scattered the silence that held precedent in the room, but I didn't mind because she didn't mind, and that was okay.
"Sa-a-ay i-it." But I couldn't because I was too weak for this world, and like my mother had said to me when I was but a small boy, the weak are never truly alive.
A few moments later, once the cries had ceased, I felt her fingers fall from my body slowly, at first, then all at once. I held my head high, chin up and mouth pressed into a thin line, not because I felt victorious, but because I couldn't bear to look down unto the inevitable- the way her eyes would be open and still bloodshot from her tears, the way her lips would be parted from that last breath that I had failed to hear because it was so fragile (like her, I added,) and most importantly, that warmth that I had relied on so many days that the count doesn't exist, would be gone, sunken to her back like the wings that weren't forming- like the wings that would never form because surely, if there was a god, she would be damned to hell.
I was the worst friend- the worst lover- she could have asked for, but she continued to stick with me to the end, even when I denied her the last thing she would ever request.
And I felt like I was shattering because of it.
So pushing down the bile in my throat and running a quick hand through my hair, I leaned down to her level, just inches from her face, and placed a feathered kiss onto her chilling lips.
I say nothing and walk out of the room.
1918 WORDS | SONG
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