Symphony Way d2//fin
Aug 20, 2015 8:25:55 GMT -5
Post by minie on Aug 20, 2015 8:25:55 GMT -5
Symphony Way
Don't bless me father for I have sinned
I got caught for what I did but took it all in style.
Yes, I've been told I redefine a sin.
For the vows that I break, I'm going to hell!
I got caught for what I did but took it all in style.
Yes, I've been told I redefine a sin.
For the vows that I break, I'm going to hell!
Symphony Way-16-d2
Trigger warning: this bio contains content of bullying, self-hatred, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm.
Present day
I’m sitting on the park bench, a newly lit cigarette between my middle and pointer finger released a thin trail of smoke going upwards. I no longer feel that I am in control of my life, everything seems to be slipping away from my fingertips. Everything I worked so hard for, career training, being a good older sister, and most of all never letting my goal slip from my sight. Now it seems as if I’d thrown it all away, and for what?! To make my parents whish that thy never had me? For people to whisper behind my back? For my teachers to think that I am a heartless, self-centered, psychotic bitch? It wasn’t a secret, that I ruined my life in only a short period of time. I should have listened to my parents, you’re much better off with a really good lie and a fake smile. Now I see where telling the truth and a whole lot of anger got me.
5 months ago
“She is such a slut” I giggled leaning onto my friends shoulder. My chocolate brown hair covered my eyes and mouth as I feel into a fit of laughter. Jennifer laughed along with me “I know, who is so desperate for attention that they have to start telling everybody they slept with a teacher?” The girl we were talking about was one I considered to be the one person I truly hate. It’s funny how one small thing can drive a wedge between two very close friends. It shows that love and hate are never that far. When she came over to my house that day, when she told me that without her I would be a nothing, I was driven by hate. My pride was one of the few things I haven’t lost over the years and she tried to take it from me. I was planning on digging a mental hole and throwing her down it. It turns out I didn’t have to get revenge, she ruined her life all on her own.
From the corner of my eye I noticed a small brunette girl watching us. She was close enough to hear our every word. It was odd to think that such a tiny girl could have hurt someone so bad that she would get what she gave me, only ten times worse. She looked so innocent, like the girl who would get bullied on the schoolyard, because she couldn’t defend herself. The girl everyone would pick on. I knew she was going to run and tell someone what she heard. That was all she ever did, run to an adult. She was the only person I knew that actually did that. If I ended up in a fight, I resolved it my way. Not with the help of authorities. “Looks like someone is in trouble” Jennifer whispered.
Present day
I felt the smoke fill my lungs, I hated it and at the same time I loved it. I knew I was killing myself, my parents couldn’t have said that more often than they did. They hated smoking and they hated the people that smoked. If they knew, then lung cancer wouldn’t be the end of my life.
I still get flashbacks of the day she told me that our friendship was done. I asked why, and she replied that I need her. She wanted me to believe that she was all I had. After that everyone saw my rage, my parents, my teachers, my friends, and even random people on the street. They tried to tell me that wasn’t healthy and ripred were they right. From that day on I did everything I could to make her life as miserable as possible. It wasn’t hard, as I said she did it all on her own. Every now and then I would help, by making fun her in front of people or spilling a little secret she had once told me. In the moment, when I was doing the deed, it felt like I was an angry firework. I was exploding all my anger out of me. Then after the fireworks died down, I was left with this empty feeling and it made me want to throw up.
5 months ago
I stormed into my room and flung my bag against the wall. Today the teacher wanted to talk to me at school. When she took my out of the classroom, she started asking questions. Normal ones, you know your everyday small talk. She asked how my family was doing, she had this smile on her face. The kind that make you think you can trust her. I had no idea what was going to happen in the next half an hour.
We sat down at a small round table, just us two. For a few seconds we just sat there. It felt like hours, her warm brown eyes were staring at me, it almost looked as if she was trying to read my mind. My hazel eyes in the other hand were putting up a façade. I hate getting close to people, all I ever did was wore masks. Little did I know that this women would be able to tear down those masks one by one. She would unleash the person that I never wanted anyone to see. “Why would you do something like this? I never thought that you’d be the kind of girl to make someone never want to show their face again”. My fake smile began to fade and my hazel eyes released any kind of warmth they might have shown. Now they looked like stone. I let a small laugh escape my lips. I couldn’t believe it, she actually tattle tailed.
“Because I hate her”
With those words, every single mask I ever put on.
Disintegrated.
Our conversation went on for half an hour, it was pretty much my teacher lecturing me about how I can hurt many people’s lives, by doing what I was doing. My counter argument was that I was just a teenager and I was doing what all teenager do, gossip. Though I knew and she knew that was just a lie to add to the pile of lies I have told in my past. “You are doing it for revenge” her words were sharp as knives and it cut through me so easily. I didn’t like it when people told the truth I was scared to tell. I should have known she would play that card, after all I did tell her that I hated the girl who started this all. “And the worst part” she continued “You are playing god!”.
A wave of shock crashed against me. All I could do was sit there. I wanted to say something, but no words came from my mouth. I wanted to do something, but my body felt like I ate stones and I couldn’t move. Every little part of me, my body, my soul, my voice, seemed to fail. I was like a statue. Unable to move or do anything, I felt as if I was no longer alive. The air in the room also seemed to go away, I couldn’t breathe. When she spoke those words that was the one thing no one has ever accused me of. And yet I fit the picture. I always let my pride get the best of me. I always find a way to make it seem as if I am the victim, where in reality, I am the one who likes to take care of people I believe that deserve eternal misery, just because they pissed me off.
“No” my voice soft but my ego still loud and clear “I don’t play god” my eyes gleaming with madness “I play devil”.
Present day
Only a few months ago, I would have been sitting on this park bench without my multiple tattoos and without that one blond streak in my hair. After the day I proclaimed I was playing devil, I decided why not go all crazy and start to look the part. I would wear ripped up clothes, I took my old shirt cutting designs into the back. I refused to wear much color and anything with happy comments on them. A few months ago I also wouldn’t have hated myself for what I did and at the same time loved it. I wouldn’t have taken out all the guilt and the anger on my arm. Every time I took that needle and placed it on my skin, I felt the hatred wash over me. I wanted to scream, punch, kick, bite and hit everything that came in my way and most of all, I wanted to end my life.
The regret and guilt banged in my brain, taunting and teasing me until I was either laying in my bed crying or watching myself bleed. Seeing myself pay always made me feel better for a few seconds, it was exactly when I spilled those little secrets that the girl trusted me with. It took away my pain and my hate, but only for a few moments. Then it flooded me once again. The thing is, I still hated her, and I still wanted her to pay. It seemed as if my personalities were split, one side hated myself and the other hated her. It didn’t matter which side, I never found a place in my heart for the other.
I learned a few things from this experience.
One, I was a heartless being on the search for a heart
Two, neither of us were innocent in this mess, we were both to blame
Three, lying always seems to be the best option
FC: Christina Perri
Lyrics: Going to Hell by the Pretty Reckless
Codeword: oDair
