broken reality {cato}

Silent tears stream down my face freezing against my cheeks from the autumn air. Every breath, every little movement, hurts. Pain shoots through my body as my shirt sticks to my raw back. But I don’t try to remove it as it’ll only reopen the wounds. Yet nothing exists. Pain doesn’t last forever. No, eventually it vanishes leaving my body numb forever. Nothing will ever compare to the pain of losing someone close to my heart. The detention center tortured me physically and mentally. The pain went away. It vanished into thin air, but the void inside my chest never went away.

The void grows larger and larger with each breath. Nothing can close it. No amount of closure will take away the agony lingering inside my veins. It’s bad enough that my last words to her was that I hated her, but I couldn’t even go to her funeral. I couldn’t say final goodbyes. Three years have gone by. They’ve changed my entire world, and nobody understands what death would do for me. They don’t understand that I want to die because it would reunite me with her, and I could tell her how sorry I am. (“It’s too late, Kraygon. She won’t ever forgive you. She won’t ever love you. Even when you die, she’ll want your body to rot.”)

Bringing my knees closer to my chest, I try to hide my face from anyone that would be looking as I wait for her to bring me to her. I want to hold her. To wrap my arms around her and promise that I won’t ever leave her. It’s too late for that, though. She’s gone. Six feet under the ground. Dead. Never to return. I swear I can see her dancing through the wind. A ghost of girl. Carefree. Nothing to worry about. Free from the chains of the world. But I miss her. Every second. Every single day. I can’t even live with myself. I want to die, yet killing myself isn’t the answer. She wouldn’t ever forgive me if I left the world before my time.

The sound of footsteps coming towards me snaps me back to reality, and for a split second I think Esme will be running out of the door to wrap her arms around me. To tell me that she’s missed me as much as I’ve missed her. But it’s not her. No, it’s someone else, and they’re coming closer and closer. Each step grows louder and the pace quickens against the dirt ground. Maybe it’s a peacekeeper who will finally grant my wish. But when I hear them shouting my name, I know it’s nobody who wants to kill me. It’s someone who’s happy to see me. It’s someone who cares about me in a world where nobody cares and all love is a lie.

Raising my gaze, I see Turian running towards me. I want to tell him to go away. To just leave me alone, but I don’t have it inside of me. It’s been along time since I’ve seen him. Since I’ve talked to him. Raising a shaky hand, I try to wipe the tears away except they start flowing much faster. I can’t bring myself to speak as a river pours down my face. It’s not the same as seeing the tiny girl running to me, but seeing Turian running towards me is enough to make me realize that I’m not alone, and I’ll never be alone. Animal like sounds fall from my lips as I try to bring myself to speak, but I can’t. I’m afraid of what I’ll say, or worse, what he’ll do to me. Speaking before only brought great pain. Both physically and mentally.

I just hope he understands.

Shattered dreams fall apart around me. The world keeps moving leaving behind those who can’t move anymore. Labored breaths fill my lungs, and it hurts to move. A warm, sticky liquid leaks from the wounds in my back staining the ground red. My blood pools beneath the thin shirt covering my hollow body. Tears stain my cheeks. Turian must feel hurt because I left him along with everyone else. Bailey, Evelyn, Madeline, Aaron. My family. But I am not a son, a brother, nor a cousin anymore. No, I am an outcast. Banned from society. Locked away inside a cell without a key to open it. I am a prisoner of my own mind. Breaking free is impossible. Isn’t that what they wanted? To lock me away for the rest of my life trapped within a mind full of agony and misery?

“Kraygon, are you alright?” Words catch in the back of my throat the moment Turian stands beside me. A face full of concern glares at me, and I glare back. Lifeless, soulless eyes fix on his as tears continue running down my face. Snot drips from my nose mixing with the water swimming from my eyes. Slowly, I shake my head. Words fail to form on my tongue. They took it away from me. They made sure I wouldn’t say another word. No, they didn’t remove my tongue, but each time a single word fell from my lips electricity shot through me suffocating the life out of a broken body. Hollow bones begged for mercy as animal like sounds passed through my lips. Demons lurk in the shadows, and I’m afraid they’ll find me and torture me; when I close my eyes I can see them.

Yet I can’t speak as my teeth chatter together as a gentle breeze fills the air sweeping leaves from the ground. Wrapping the large clothes around me, I try to maintain my body heat. Chills run down my spine, and my entire body starts shivering. Turian offers shelter. The barn where the animals are. Even that would offer more heat than sitting out in the open waiting for a peacekeeper to make rounds. A promise was made inside the dark walls of the detention center, and I am a man of my word, but taking a peacekeeper on now in such a weak and fragile state would only end in my death or another trip to the cell where I surely wouldn’t end up free a second time.

The palms of my hands press firmly to the ground, and I try to force myself into a standing position. Every muscle inside my body starts quivering from a new strain placed upon them. It’s been such a long time since I’ve tried to do something other than crawl or scoot. Only the jagged edge of a whip could bring me to my feet without any trouble, but none of that is here. “Dark. Fires. Souls.” Meaningless words slither off my tongue into the frigid air. And I’m finally standing on my own two feet ready to move.

Step after step, I try to move forward away from the dirt path. It seems like I’m going to make it to the barn. I’m almost there -

My knees break under the weight of my body, and I’m falling towards the ground. Arms stretched out in front of me to break my fall. But at the last second I bring them in, and I see the ground coming closer and closer and closer -

I'm going to die.

(“Soon you’ll learn the meaning of death.”)

Thud!

Dirt flies into my mouth, and tears run down my face. Violent sobs escape from my lips as I try to move, but I can’t. I don’t want to. It’s impossible to turn over. Fire burns throughout my body; a never ending fire. But I’m trapped within. Lost within my own mind. Alone and afraid.

Help. Please. I want to beg, but the words are blocked by my own tears.

The world grows dark around me as buzzing roars in my ears. A never ending stream flows from my eyes flooding the ground below me. For a moment he’s gone. I’m alone. Abandoned without a place to go. Trapped in a sea of shame and regret. Agony swims through my veins when the buzzing is replaced by the sounds of footsteps returning. But the overwhelming sense of regret eats through me. Turain deserves better than a cold shoulder; he didn’t do anything wrong. Mistakes were made. Screens came crashing down. Glass shattered into millions of shards. Flames danced through the windows of the justice building, and here I am now. Locked away in a non existing world forgotten by those around me until he returns -

“Kraygon, brother, I’m here. Allow me to help you to the barn.” His words are gentle and easy. Kind and peaceful, but I still can’t bring myself to speak. Yet each time his voice rings through my ears, I can hear the amount of concern, the pain lingering inside the pits of his stomach. No words can describe the amount of torment lingering inside mine.

Yet it’s all taken away the moment his arms wrap around my body pulling me to a standing position. White fire shoots through my body the moment my own arms move. Raw pieces of flesh dangle from my back stretching wider. A pool of tears and blood flows across my feet before the dirt devours it. But it’s not enough to keep me going. A shaky hand stretches across my face wiping the tears away as an eternal flame flickers inside my body. Whatever is tethering me to reality is slowly ripping apart, and I can’t stop it.

Turian leads the way, and I stagger beside him like a drunk. My vision blurs as the pain grows in intensity. A fire eats through my skin with every single step, and I’m stumbling over my own two feet. If it wasn’t for Turian holding me up, the ground would devour my body once more.

A lifetime sweeps through the air before we finally reach the barn. Gritted teeth, heavy, labored breathing, and tears of agony take over my body as he turns some sort of lamp on. A tiny flame dances inside of it lighting the barn. A hard floor meets my bottom when his hand releases me. But all I can do is stare as the back of my shirt rips apart exposing my raw, bloodstained back.

They’ve done a lot of work keeping the barn together. The animals are safe. They’re doing fine from what I can see.

Downcast eyes look at the animals and what all I’ve missed since they took me away. Calves sleep beside their mother. Foals curl up against the warm fur of parents. Goats sleep in the corner. Pigs share a stable. All of this I’ve longed for, for so long. Yet here it is sitting right in front of me, and I can’t even bring myself to move towards them.

Silent sobs escape from my lips. My knees fold beneath me, and I lean forward at the waist until my head touches the ground. I have missed so much. I remember when Esme would follow me to the barn. I remember when Evelyn would carry a tiny bucket of feed. I remember when Maddy saved a prized pig from death. But I can’t remember the last time I’ve placed food down before them. I can’t remember the last time I pet all the animals; even their names have left my mind. But nothing makes sense anymore. It was all taken away, and now it’s here right in front of me again. Silence rings through my ears as I force myself to sit up.

Words linger on the tip of my tongue begging for freedom, but my vocal chords refuse to react until I force the breath into my throat. "I am sorry." It’s the only words I’m capable of saying right now because every other sentence refuses to register in my mind.

That’s when I watch Cowie collapse to the ground.

My eyes are wide as I stare at the motionless cow. It’s not just a cow. This cow is family, and it’s been so long since I’ve seen her. My nails dig into the ground as I crawl across the room screaming the cow’s name over and over.

My arms drag me under the stable door, and I’m lying beside her pressing my ear against her chest begging for a heartbeat. And I feel the gentle rise and fall of her chest, but I can tell something’s wrong. Panic takes over leaving me numb.

I’ve lost Esme. I can’t lose Cowie too.

Broken beats bounce through my skull ricocheting around inside my brain until the sound of a silent pulse embeds in my mind. Something moves inside her. A stomach punches me in the face as it growls in the middle of the night sky. A beast lingers inside the body threatening to burst through at any possible second. But I’m unsure of what this beast is.

My hand strokes the cow’s side gently reassuring her that I’m by her side. A shallow breath catches in the back of my throat as my newly found adrenaline masks the fire burning inside me. Silence roars through my ears keeping the entire world at ease until nothing remains except the sound of a beating heart -

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

- repeats itself over and over. Cowie is alive. Her lungs are expanding forcing air into her lungs before expelling the carbon dioxide as her body relaxes. Yet something isn’t right. Her legs are weak. Her body fragile, but it can’t be from old age. Esme brought her home as a calf four years before the arena took her life away. The cow can’t be older than eight. Every single cow I’ve raised over the years has never died at such a young age, but just like human beings, cows can die before their time too.

This cow cannot die.

I promised to keep her safe long before Esme journeyed through the games. Pa promised to never slaughter it even if the Capitol demanded it. These promises cannot be broken. But eventually they would when the cow was suffering from old age. But only then would the cow die. Not now. Not before her time. Yet nothing makes sense. Perhaps she wasn’t taken care of like I originally thought. No, that’s not it. The other animals have been cared for. Cowie has been cared for. Straw covers the floor of her stall along with the rest of the barn. Yet why is she like this? Why did she collapse?

Nothing matters right now. No amount of pain could stop me from trying to tend to the cow to make sure nothing happened to her. Yet each passing second sends her beating heart into a weaker and weaker pulse.

What do I do?

I have to save her.

Sweet little Cowie gave Esme so much hope throughout her short life. She brought a girl from a lonely place into a world where she had someone to care for. Cowie brought us closer. She pulled us together for a common cause. To raise a cow without a tether around it’s neck sentencing it to slaughter. But even the toughest can’t escape the might grasp of the Capitol.

(Big brother’s watching.)

His silent pleas fill my ears, and I’m at a loss of words. Nothing can be done right now. But maybe together we can find some help. Something to save her. To make a sick cow better. Silence surrounds me. Darkness is slowly closing in, and it’s threatening to steal the one piece of love I have left. The one tiny thread keeping me afloat.

“Kraygon.”

My mind freezes, and I stare at the cow refusing to move my gaze. Silence greets me. It always has and it always will. But I don’t know how to save her. Please just let me save her. That’s when it hits me. Maddy is a vet.

Maddy can save her.

“Turian,” I state is name. It’s not a question. It’s a quiet demand. “We can’t let this cow die.” It’s a hope that he knows what to do. That perhaps he knows where Maddy is, but right now. It’s a statement to tell him that Cowie might not make it.

Silence fills the air. Turian isn’t moving from his place, and the words linger on the tip of my tongue as I fight myself not to repeat any of it. Cowie is dying, yet it seems like he doesn’t care. My entire world is crashing around me. A dark abyss is sweeping through carrying it all away in the blink of an eye. A storm rages inside of me. Tidal waves crash inside my lungs making it impossible to breathe. I’m frozen in place unable to move. Unable to do anything except pray to a higher being to save this cow from death.

Silence eats away at my soul. It devours my entire being leaving nothing but a rotting corpse of a man who once cared about life. Nothing in my life matters right now. All that matters is saving Cowie. Keeping this precious animal alive for as long as possible. But it appears the gods have a different plan.

It’s impossible to know what to do as silence creeps through the air. My words fell on deaf ears. Turian isn’t helping right now. All he’s doing is procrastinating making the amount of time we’re dealing with wind down until the last second on the timer expires. Yet he’s pretending to care as his head presses down upon the head of the cow. He’s pretending this cow means the world to him. Oh how I can feel the lie eating away inside of my body, twisting my insides together into a knot -

“Kraygon, we need Maddy.”

Those were the words I needed to hear. We need Maddy. My heart leaps into my throat before finally settling down. Time is running out. A clock is ticking somewhere. A fuse slowly fades away as it gets closer and closer to detonating a bomb filled with chaos. Yet here I am staring into his eyes fighting to figure out what’s right and wrong.

Tunnel vision eats through my body. A very important member of the family is dying before my eyes, and I can’t do anything to stop it. It’s tearing my life into pieces. Crushing my soul into tiny bits of dust.

Questions dance across my mind destroying my body. But nothing compares to the answers resting before me. All that is good is slowly turning bad, and all that is bad is slowly turning into evil. Darkness is reigning over the world. Soon the light will vanish leaving every good thing behind.

Why is this happening?

Why is the world falling apart?

“I can go get her. You can stay here.

HIs words tear through my soul with an icy chill. Only a foolish man would even begin to think I’d remain behind in a barn instead of running to the safety of another person, but Turian isn’t foolish. He’s only thinking of what’s best for everyone. Yet it destroys me on the inside. I am more than capable of handling myself. Of showing the world that I am strong when people think I’m weak. But I will not remain behind.

Cowie is in need, and I must run for her aid.

“I cannot honor that request, my brother, for I must find her.”

Straw embeds into the palm of my hand as I force myself into a standing position, and for a moment the world spins around me threatening to knock me on my face again. “Don’t worry, Cowie. I’ll be back. I promise. Just hang in there a little longer.” Silent tears slide down my face as I turn away from the cow.

Staggering to the back of the barn, I use the stall doors to keep myself on my feet. Urgency flies through my body knowing that I made a promise I must keep. Cowie must survive. She must see my return.

My feet slip out from under me, and I’m falling once more until my hands connect with the handle of the door, and I pull myself to my feet once more. Once I’m outside the barn, my body becomes numb. “Maddy!” My voice is loud as I scream for Maddy. But I doubt she can hear me from this distance. “Maddy!”

And I’m falling.

The ground is coming closer and closer -

Arms fly out from behind me landing under my arms keeping me on my feet after I hear the barn door close. “Turian. We have to get her.” I can feel the world pressing down upon me. It’s giving me a weight that’s almost unbearable. One I can’t handle alone. But Turian is here. And together we can hold it up. Together we can keep each other standing.

“Maddy!” I scream once more as we get closer to the house and the lights flick on. A sigh of relief floods my veins, but I can’t catch my breath as she opens the door.

“Kraygon, Turian, what is it?”

I try to speak, but all I can do is pant and wheeze.