I want... {Ikaia oneshot}

Sweat pours from my brow as I finish up the harvest for the evening. With the winter rolling in, I have to get what I can done because soon we won’t have work because the ground freezes, and the trees die. Winter is one of my least favorite seasons. It’s a miracle anyone can survive them with the frigid cold temperatures, but I guess my family is slightly better off. Ever since Kirito won the games, the thoughts of starving or freezing to death hasn’t once crossed my mind. Yet I want to work for my food. I want to bring it in myself like I had done for so long. I want my old life back, however, I wouldn’t change this because if I was still living in my old life, Kirito wouldn’t have survived the games. It would keep me fighting to survive every single day. I miss it. I miss working hard every single evening to bring just enough home to keep Ma alive and going. I miss my brother welcoming me at the door. I miss being able to talk to him like a normal being. I long for so many things.

But what I really want is my brother back by my side.

Sliding down behind one of the trees, I bring my knees to my chest as I stare into the colorful sky as the sun sets behind the horizon. Purple and red clouds cover the sky along with the red, yellow, and orange leave flying from the trees as a gentle autumn breeze flies through the air. I’ll never forget sitting out here with Kirito when we were younger. And I long for it all again. I want things to go back to the way they were before the games. I want so much right now, but it all seems so far away.

I want to sit down beside him and talk to him. I want to wrap my arms around him and beg for his forgiveness, but I don’t deserve it. Not after the way I’ve acted since he returned home. And now that he’s gone to the Capitol again, I realize how much I truly need him. I can’t keep going through life with the weight of the world pressing down on my shoulders as I break the relationship we had growing up. I want that bond to be there. A chance for us to go out and have fun like the old days. Maybe climb a tree, or spend time together, or just gossip about anything. I want one of his famous soups he made when we had nothing else to do. But most importantly, I want him back. Not as a lover, but as my brother. I want him to know that I care about him, and that I’m always by his side despite how I’ve acted.

Jealousy is such a horrible feeling. It was always Ikaia and Kirito, but when he returned it was all about him, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to be associated with him because I’m my own person. Whenever I walk out into the streets, I want people to notice me as Ikaia, yet all I’m greeted with is “Oh look! It’s a Kirito lookalike.” And every time I tried to talk to him about it, I couldn’t find the words, so I locked them all away inside my mind. I forced the emotions away until they slowly started eating at me. The amount of anger I’ve felt, the rage, the pain, all of it slowly ate away at my insides until I couldn’t take it anymore.

And I still can’t take it. Kirito isn’t here to talk to me. He’s not here for me to tell him I’m sorry, and I don’t know when I’ll see him again. It’s going to be like this every single year now because he’s a victor. He survived the hell, and now I’ve placed him in hell with my actions. Kirito doesn’t deserve to have me as a brother. He doesn’t deserve how I’ve treated him. I knew he would come home different. I knew the games would change him, yet I couldn’t register it all in my mind. All the tears I’ve shed has stopped me from crying anymore. They won’t form in the corners of my eyes no matter how hard I try, but today for some reason, my eyes have failed me.

A stream of tears run down my face as I stare at the last portrait of the family. When Pa was alive. When everything was the way it should’ve been. Before Kirito was reaped for the games. Yet the world changes, and I’m not ready to change with it. I’m not ready to become a man when all I want to do is cry below the tree. Ma can’t help me because she says I’m being stupid, and Pa isn’t here to talk to, and I miss him. I want to see him. To hold him. To hug him one last time, but I can’t because I don’t know when I’ll ever see him again. For me to see him I would have to die.

But I can’t die. Not right now. Even though I’m still one reaping away from being safe from the games, I can’t imagine the life I would have to live to follow in Kirito’s footsteps. He’s much more of a man than I’ve ever been. He’s stronger than me. And he’s not here to talk to me, and I miss him so much already, however, I know he’ll be home when his mentoring duties are over. I have so much I want to tell him. So much to talk about. I want him to know what it was like watching him go through hell. I want him to see where I tied the noose up because I wanted to kill myself when I thought the pain was unbearable.

But most importantly, I want him to see that I am a man, and that I’m not just a kid trapped in a man’s body.

I want to tell him that I’ll stay at the victor’s house with him. That I’ll be with him to the ends of the world and back. But how can I tell him? How can I apologize for being so stupid? How can I show him that I love him? I want to take his pain away and turn it into mine. I want to bear it with him because I don’t want him to bear it alone. I want to bring the family back together and form a bond much stronger than before. But I also want him to know that I’m going to fix the old house up. That I want to keep it strong in case I ever decide to have a family. I want him to be there with me when I’m eligible to fill out adoption papers to adopt a child.

Yet I’ve screwed it all up. We had so much together. A bond that shouldn’t be unbreakable, and despite how badly it’s broken, I want to fix it. I want to tell Kirito that I’ve always cared about him even when I went through the dark times of not wanting to talk to him. I want to show him the life I lived when I wasn’t talking to him. I want to tell him that I was in more pain than I had ever been. The amount of scars living on the inside isn’t bearable anymore by myself. Jagged wounds are eating through my skin. I’m weak without him, and I don’t know how I can go on anymore. I thought he was going to die, but he proved me wrong when he came out of the arena alive. And I’m so glad that he’s alive.

I want him to see what I’ve drawn. The demons that has lived inside of me for so long. They’re destroying me, and I can’t rid them myself. I need help. I need Kirito.

I need my brother.