Salarian D1 {done}

Age 10

Father took me to the training center for the first time today. I just turned ten years old, and he thinks it’s time to train me for the games. He’s brutal and wants me to become like him. Each time the games are playing, it’s all he talks about. How this tribute was incredible, or how this tribute was weak, or how this tribute didn’t deserve their victory. If father had his way, the only victors of the game would come from district one. And that’s what he wants for me.

But is it what I want?

I don’t know the answer to it.

A large grin plastered against his face as he walked through the doors into the academy. I hid behind him. Afraid to watch the people fighting against dummies, or sparring with one another. Looking at the brutal careers terrified me. It made me want to hide forever, yet with a little coaxing from father, he drew me out into the open. It amazed me how he admired everyone of the weapons here. Talking about what they were for, and how to use them. I gulped as he showed many different movements for each weapon.

I thought I was going to die when he picked up a huge mace, though. It’s used to bludgeon people to death. To crush their bones. To smash them into nothing. Do people really do this? A lump formed in the back of my throat making it impossible to breathe and speak.

He stopped moving when we were in front of the swords. I watched with fearful eyes as he removed a sword from the rack. “And this, Salarian, is my favorite weapon of all.” The way he spoke only terrified me more. Why would anyone want to use one of these things against other people? It was beyond my wildest imagination. “This is where we will start.” I looked at him. My chin dropped to the floor. My heart leaped into my throat before falling into the pits of my stomach. But I never said anything to him. Father only wants what’s best for me even though it’s not what I want.

Picking up my own sword, I watched his movements. A photographer stood inside my mind snapping pictures at each step. Every little movement, a picture was snapped embedding itself into my mind. I saw how deadly the movements were. They were aimed to kill, not disarm. “Now you.”

Throughout my short childhood, I’ve become good at pretending. I nod my head as I lift my own sword sloppily copying his movements. I act like I’m trying, but I show him that I don’t understand what he’s doing. Is it wrong that I’m playing him like this? I don’t know the answer to this question, but what I do know is that it’ll, at least, by me some time before he places worse weapons in my hands.

Age 14

“Use my body against me.”

His voice is calm and soothing as he shows me over and over how to use his movements against him. Morgan slowly moves his hand towards me, and he wants me to catch it and use it against him without inflicting deadly force on him. “When I throw this punch, catch my hand. Turn yourself away from me, and kneel.”

It’s been six months since Morgan took me, and this has become the best six months of my life. Learning about self defense and using my opponent's body against them has become important. He’s taught me throughout my journey here that everyone matters no matter if they have done wrong or not. The bad guys matter. All lives matter no matter where they come from, and since then, that has become my motto. I live by it. Strive by it because I know that in the end that’s what counts. I will not lose myself to the way of the Capitol.

“Like this?”

I ask nodding for him to throw a punch. A grin creeps across my face as he throws the punch, and I catch his wrist right on cue. Turning away from him, I feel the skin twisting beneath my hands, and it’s such a terrifying thought. Knowing that if I make a wrong movement, his arm will snap under my weight, but I don’t let it hold me back. Kneeling down, I feel myself dragging him down behind me. His knees hit the ground behind me. Letting go of his arm, I turn towards him with a hopeful smile. He nods at me, and I jump to my feet.

Knowing that he has so much more to teach me means the world. Knowing that I can finally find something that I’ve wanted to do for such a long time gives me a reason to learn and keep going. His hand rests on my shoulder gently, and for the first time I feel like I have found a family. It runs much deeper than blood because I have no relationship to him, yet he took me in off the streets. He made sure I was given a place to stay. A place to live. A place to relax.

I still have a lot to learn, and I know that in time it’ll come, but for now, I’ll work as hard as I can to make him proud. Maybe he’ll even let me call him father sometime, but even then, it wouldn’t compare to the amount of joy I’m feeling now. “Alright, Salarian. I think we should stop for the day and meditate.”

I always thought that meditating was stupid until I realized how relaxing it truly was. I’ve allowed myself to become one with the world around me. I can take in my surroundings, and everything that bothers me goes away the moment I clear my mind. It has helped me a lot, and I look forward to waking up every morning to learn more.

Sometimes I miss my parents. I miss telling them about my day. I miss sharing good news with them, but I remind myself that they didn’t want me. They abandon me. But even knowing that can’t stop me now. It won’t hold me back anymore because after this day I am letting go of it forever.

Age 18

Today is different. It’s my eighteenth birthday, and Morgan doesn’t want to train today. Instead he’s invited me to dinner with him. I’ve lived with him for four years now learning from him. Everywhere I go, I carry my staff with me. It not only helps me to walk, but I have it in case I need it for self defense. It’s like a makeshift cane in a way. When I broke my leg a couple years ago, it never grew back right. The healers splinted it, and they did what they could to help me, but even then it wasn’t enough.

Sometimes I wish I looked more like him instead of my biological parents. I see my reflection, it pains me knowing that my father threw everything away because I refused to train to kill people. Each time I look at myself I see him.

Over the last two years, I’ve shot up from standing five foot four inches tall, to standing five foot ten inches tall. An entire six inches! It’s a lot knowing that I can stand with the tallest of men now. Muscles hide behind my clean clothes. I always keep myself looking neat and clean especially when Morgan decides to take me out to eat. I don’t like feeling messy.

“Where are we going?” I ask quietly. I don’t want anyone else hearing my voice because it’s higher pitched than I hoped for. Morgan knows I’m not one for surprises, but today he has something in mind. All he does is look at me with a goofy grin. Shrugging my shoulders, I hobble after him. My heart pounds in my chest. Each time the staff strikes the ground, my heart beats. “Come on, Morgan, you know I don’t like surprises.” But he doesn’t speak again.

It’s strange walking in silence, but it’s actually peaceful.

Until he stops moving.

I almost run into him because I wasn’t paying attention to where I’m going, yet I stop myself at the last possible second. Taking a step back, I pretend like nothing has happened. Scanning the area, I try to figure out what’s going on. Morgan turns and faces me. Cocking my head sideways, I stare into his eyes.

“Salarian, I am proud of you. More than you can ever imagine. I know that you were disowned by your parents…” His voice trails off as my heart sinks into the pits of my stomach. “But I don’t want that to stand in the way.” He steps out of the way revealing a mirror in front of me. Part of me wonders what’s going on as I look in the mirror. But this isn’t an ordinary mirror. No, it’s different. He turns it around, and on the back of it is a sketch of myself. So many tiny pictures from when I first started learning. At the bottom of it, there’s a line that reads ‘You have grown in so many ways. I’ve sketched them all. I’ve watched as you were molded into the man you are today. And that man will always stare back at you.’ Tears slowly fall down my eyes, as I collapse to my knees.

“Happy birthday, Salarian. Happy birthday.”

******

That night at home, I look through the sketches. It shows my tiny hands holding onto a staff for the first time. It shows the bruises, the tears, the sweat. It shows a story that I’ve started telling with my own life. From the time he took me in when I was thirteen, to now. That’s all I see. My fifteen year old self lunges towards him. Long hair falls down my back.

Oh how things have changed over the years.

I’m nothing compared to the child I was. Morgan taught me self respect. He taught me to never give up. To always keep going. He taught me that my life matters. That his life matters. That every life matters even those who have done wrong. He taught me how to take care of myself, and for that, I am thankful.

I feel like I’ve been given a second chance at life, and I’m not about to let it all go.

Walking into his room, I stop in front of his door. I gently tap against it before letting myself in. “Morgan, you never told me why you brought me in.” It’s a simple statement. One that I’ve wanted to know the answer to for so long. Normally he shrugged it off telling me I wasn’t ready for the answer, but now I am. I want to know. I have to know.

“Well, you see Salarian, I was good friends with your father. I trained alongside of him for many years. We worked together until he decided that all he wanted in life was to train careers to become bloodthirsty monsters. He tried that with you, and when you didn’t answer to his ways, he sent you away. We talked, and we planned this. It was a test.” His words bounced through my mind as I tried to take it all in.

“A test?” I ask curiously.

“Yes, and I am pleased to say that you have passed.” Turning his chair around to finally face me, I notice that seated behind him is my father. At first anger surges through my veins. My entire body starts shaking, but I calm myself down. How can I stare into the eyes of a man who disowned me five years ago? How can I trust him? But I stop myself. I take a deep breath reminding myself to not let my emotions get the best of me.

“You see, Salarian. You’re father was been watching you the entire time. He’s never left your side. Even when you struggled, he was always there. That mirror you received a few hours ago, is from him. He made that for you.” I couldn’t believe him. I didn’t want to believe him, but his words sounded genuine and true. They were calm, and for some reason I could sense they were the truth. But why now? Why after five years? Why would he send me through so much pain and hurt? It doesn’t make sense. Yet nothing makes sense. Not in this world. I take a deep breath as my feet become glued to the floor. I can’t move, and I can’t think. I’m standing like an idiot dumbfounded by the news.

“How? Why?” I question. I open my mouth to speak again, but Morgan cuts me off.

“Every person needs a test-”

“But I don’t understand?”

“It’s simple, Salarian. Trust me. Even when he wasn’t with you, you wanted to make him proud. You wanted to show him what you were capable of. And he followed you every step of the way. He hurt when you hurt. He didn’t want to do this to you, but you see, he had no option.” Morgan stopped speaking and silence grew around. Nobody spoke, and my gaze shifted from his to my father’s. And my father finally broke the silence.

“You have a baby brother, Sal. And I couldn’t have you training in the house.” This is news, but I can’t believe it. I don’t know what to expect. He shattered my heart because I was becoming a brother? I want to be angry at him. To shove him away like he shoved me away. But I can’t. I watched as my father walked to a door before opening it. From behind the door, a five year old appeared. He looked like a younger version of myself. “I thought that if you were here training for the games, you’d hurt him. Even if it was in self defense.”

It still didn’t make sense, but nothing makes sense in a chaotic world.

“But what I’m trying to say is, I’ve always been with you. Every step of the way. The eyes staring at you through the window, that was me. I couldn’t leave you. No matter how angry you made me. And I want you to know, that I am very proud of the young man you’ve become. And I hope you accept my apologies. I never meant to hurt you.” Shaking my head, I slowly back away. I want to turn around and run away. To forget about all this. None of it makes sense. Nothing ever will. He wants me to love him after he hurt me? He wants me to pretend like it’s all good when it’s not, and I can’t do that. I can’t forgive him. I’m about to tell him to get out of my life forever until Morgan’s words echo through my mind one last time.

”Remember, Salarian, all life matters even those who have done wrong.”