phoebe delacroix :||: D9 :||: FIN

says,thinks,hears

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    Solitude was all I had to call my own. I sat in a small corner of a wood covered room, my palms pressed against the back of my thighs, my head tucked into the crack between my knees. I was tired of feeling this pull on my chest, like hands had found their way down my throat and around my heart, and with each thought they squeezed a little tighter. My maple brown hair sticks to the side of my face, the way it had stuck to the burning blood that had once been spilling from the very same place. I pull it away, it had made me uneasy. The fact that my hand pulling back my hair on the left side, had made not even a rustle. I had not heard a sound. Hours of banging my hand against the side of my head, and not a thud could be heard. 

    Liquid sadness slithers from my tear ducts for the third time this morning. I had been in this state for months, and fear of acceptance made me feel so stuck. The rivers flow down my pale olive skin, I wipe them away with dirt covered nails, and slit fingers. Snot drips from my nose and collides with the wooded floor board, and I watch as it soaks into the oak. My scar covered lips quiver, moister brimming in the corners of my mouth, but I dare not wipe it, for I know the pain the scars still hold. For the pure fact that I might still have a chance for hearing out of my left ear. I pull my hand to the place were my normal ear once was, and I snap my fingers in hope. Again, no sound could be heard.  

    Fear had always found a way to creep into my life. I was always cowering away because standing up made for punishment, it made for disloyalty. Though it had become very visible that I was disloyal, I had betrayed those I love so dearly, and it was all out of idiocy. How badly I wish I could apologize, how badly I wanted to feel welcome, but this was what I deserved. When a wounded wolf tries to interfere, death is what they deserve, and I was spared of death. I stand from the floor, feeling the places on my stomach that still burn, and radiate the color purple. These are my battle scars, except battle was not my crime. I lift my shirt, watching as my lunges lift and fall with agony, how my ribs jag from my chest because I was so under nourished. How my head hung so low beneath the door frame, because I would always be small, small in heart, and small in size. 

    I was gullible, I fell for what those wicked boys had told me. I trusted those souls that I had only known for a short time. I risks lives that were not mine to risk. I did it all because I was incapable of taking care of myself. I got too confident, and now I will fall. Trust is always broken, therefore I will trust no one. Not even those closest to me, a knife is only waiting to find its way to my back yet again. I will not be the victim of lies, not when so much is at stake. These aching floor boards had been my only companion for these past months. I looked to them when my fear was at its highest, they left me a place to curl up when I needed to feel grounded the most. What I was responsible for was unforgivable, what I was responsible for was eternally going to eat my mind. I was marked forever with remembrance, because I didn't deserve to forget.

    Today I felt only hate, hate for those responsible, hate for what had happened to me, but most of all hate for myself. Hate was something that was felt only in the darkest of times, but now I feel my heart turn charcoal black, and it is all due to me. When shame is upon you, you hide your vulnerability. You cover your naked body with the drapes above, for the snake had convinced me to eat from the garden of Eden, and like Eve, I listened, like Eve, I cursed all those to follow, like Eve, I have blood on my hands. I hear the ringing howl through my head, how a wolf cries when it has been defeated, how she cries when she had lost her pack. I was a stray, and I would never know if I had the capability to wonder back. 

   
    I cant remember much from my younger years, but I know I was always so incapable. I relied on those around me, and without them I don't know where I would be. I do remember fathers nasty habits. How he brought us to crowds that were unbearable to think of, how he was going to emit Calypso to sacrifice. Mother had taken us all away, and for that I was grateful. I also remember how lonely I had always felt, but Calypso had always made room for one more. She was always there to bring the extra blanket, or spare the extra piece of bread. I looked to her for guidance, and with it the wolf pack was formed. It was smart, profitable, we made our way with the selling of highly demanded items, many of which were "illegal".  Mother didn't like that this was our way of work, but with time we invited more girls to our business, and it grew rapidly. "Sisters before blood", all of us were sisters bound together to defeat this world. With time we would become dominant, with time we would create a better home. There were those that were out to destroy us, so cation was our ally, but stupidity was mine.

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     They had called themselves my friends. The three boys who had said I was so close to them. I spent hours wasting away with them, our time spent laughing and looking to the sky above in wonder. There was no adventure we could not overcome. But they were not just three boys, they were Hell sent, here to reveal me for what I really was, incapable. They used me to please  who holds power over them. I told them some of my darkest secrets. Rule three "Silence will be forever held". I had made a pact to my sisters that we never speak of what we do. That our sisterhood remain unheard of, but I had broken that. I told them everything, and with that their fists beat me until I saw no light, until I felt no more pain, I was only numb. I had sworn death had taken me, but I awaken to find my sister Calypso standing over me. Her face smeared with wonder and hate. 

    She lifts me from what I once thought was my grave, and she fires at me with questions I could only hate to answer. I had to admit to my betrayal, to my wrongs. The boys had been with our rivals, sent to gain my trust, only to rip it away from me. I had given them everything they wanted, but what happens next only brings me more fear. My sisters were on a hunt, they pounce after their prey, and in only moments the three boys were dead. If they had made it to their employer, we would all have found a coffin, and I was responsible. The code has stated that my betrayal deserves to be punished, and that I would take ever so graciously. Calypso didn't want to do it, she hated her responsibility, but rules were rules. 

    I hear the horrid screams from all of my sisters, the beg for me to be punished, "she deserves it." they shrill. They couldn't be more right, I deserved all of what was to come, and maybe that is why I wish for death, because death would have been so much easier. After a sister commits an act like mine they see a punishment that fits the crime. My mouth was stitched shut ever so gently, but the string was pulled tight, and I was left to rot in a room, starving and thirsty for the three days to follow. My lips oozed with crimson, but the pain was nothing compared to the heart ache I brought to Calypso, the disappointment in her brow made my heart slam against my chest, death would have been so much easier. 

    I was released from the torture after the days had ended, but I was looked upon like vermin. Hated by all, I had felt like a burning iron was being pulled to my throat at all times. I felt like I was being watched ever so diligently. A girl probably a year or so younger then me, a burning passion in her heart. I awaken, and her face is above mine, she presses her hand over my mouth, I feel the burn of my fresh wounds still under her palm. She raised a knife over her head, "You deserve worse, sisters before blood!" She shouts. Her knife digs into my left ear, and I scream through her grasp. Within moments my pillow was covered in the scarlet red, and she was ripped from above me. I watch as anger over takes my sister Calypso, how she screams at this girl. But I couldn't hear a sound, my left ear was gushing blood, and my right was still ringing in shock. 

    Calypso reached to my bedside, grabbing the very same knife that was used to cripple my ear, and I watch as she slits the girls tongue from her mouth. She then throws her out of the door, she was kicked from the pack, left astray. Calypso has always said "sisters before blood", but I, her blood sister was held above that girl. That girl was not our blood relative, she threw her out, because she hurt me. I had never felt more betrayed in my life. I was responsible for Calypso breaking her own rules. I would be the downfall of this pack. 

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    I still stand alone in this room, the faces of all of those that tear at my flesh flicker through my brain. Father...The boys...The girl...Calypso...Today I would discover my fate. There would be no more cowering in this room. It had been several months since this incident, and now I will embrace the hate, because I deserved it. I will look at the disapproval on Calypso's face, and I will feel my stomach drop. I will watch the wondering eyes look over my beaten body. But worst of it all, I will feel alone in a house full of my own sisters. Trust wasn't existent, it was a myth made for those who had only hoped for a deeper connection with those around them. Love was real, and love was what I wanted to feel once more. I will stand with my sisters, whether they want me or not, because I had made a pact, and it would not be broken, not ever again.