rodney benstaloe ; mattio/dee ; white elephant

Today, my father decided that he wasn't going to buy anymore drinks. He doesn't want to become responsible for a hidden drunk. I can't believe he hasn't found out, and I'm astonished that Rory hasn't told him. That little fucker is always one to tattle-tale, even on someone that towers over him. I understand that he's hurt that Rowdy is dead, and he thinks that I controlled his every move. No, I did not control him, he followed me. And Rory: if you think you were hurt, I was permanently dented. So don't you say for a second you miss him when I was punished with temptation for his death.

I've been on a one week streak exactly of not drinking at all, and the bags under my eyes are now turning into webs as they drag my eyelids lower and lower. So, after almost one year, this is what being truly sober is like. Not listening to Efram's music and forgetting, but actually lasting a day or more without a little bit of moonshine or whiskey. I haven't seen Rodrick in my dreams (if they really are dreams.) I'm lost without him, and I can't make any more memories until I drink again. I need him, I need to find him in order to survive. If I can't have him, I'll kill myself to have him.

I miss you, Rowdy. I want you back.

My money seems to also have magically disappeared. Maybe Rory is stealing it to punish me. The silly fifteen year old is acting as if he is Papa. Papa is the only one with more authority than I in this household. Not Mama Sommer, never Rowdy, and Rory will never take my place. Papa is the patriarch, but I sure am next in line.

I just can't wait until I'm finally king. I'll have the most attention, the most authority, and I'll have the best looks. When I have children, I want them to remember Rodrick Benstaloe as a hero. He should be a role model for so many more than just the Benstaloe family. Not only was Rodrick Benstaloe a tribute, he was a sacrifice. He sacrificed himself for the sixteen other tributes who lived longer than him. Harbinger Rhodes, Daria Staite, Someith Kreans, Heather Tenley, Tyler Westbrook, Jequirity Eckhart. All of these people I know by heart and many more should be grateful that Rodrick Benstaloe let them win. He really could have tried harder than he did, but he was foolish. He thought he was in a dream when he got his arm chopped off with Jequirity Eckhart's sword.

I'm trying to find anyone who will actually give me money, buy me a drink. Each person I look up to, I try to tell them my story. "I need this money for whiskey. I need to remember, I need to!" with each beg I gave, the number just raised of how many people said no.

The next face I come to is no different from the others, so I speak just the same.

"Please, can I have a second of your time?"