Mending Fences [Rade]

A question. Such a simple question, yet I don't know how to answer it. Emotionally, I feel as okay as I'll get given the situation. I also feel sick to my stomach seeing such young tributes for eleven this year. No one wanted to volunteer in their place. The one thing I'm relieved about is no family members. I can only speculate about President Snow's actions with reaping two young tributes. While I'm glad none of my siblings were reaped, I feel terrible that Kirito has a family member in. We haven't gotten along all that well in the past year, but I know how much family can mean to someone. It could just as easily be one of my own family members in next year. I know the answer now to Katelyn's question.

"I'm not feeling well at all. I see this little kids reaped. That we have to mentor. I don't know what the hell I am doing. I don't even know how I can give advice on how to kill. It's wrong. I hate it." It wasn't easy turning on Chloe and taking her life, and to this very second it makes me feel horrible. Do I really want Carrita and Iain to go through that? Do I really want for them to kill? Yes I think to myself. If I want one to return home alive. But they don't deserve this. None of them do. Katelyn, Kirito, me. All the victors, the dead tributes. None of this is right.

I slam my fist down on the table as tears spring to my eyes. All I want is to live a normal life, but I can't now because every year tributes will rely on me for information. They'll come to me despite wanting help, but they don't know I'm not capable of doing it. "What do I say to him? Kirito? His own family is here. What can I do?" I ask more and more trying to do my best not to cry. Crying isn't worth it. I don't want to cry now and it makes me angry that I'm crying in front of her, but soon I take a drink and a few deep breaths allowing myself the chance to relax.

Being reaped for the hunger games was the worse thing that could've happened to me. No, scratch that. Having one of my brothers be reaped for the games now that I'm a victor is the worse thing possible. I can't imagine what Kirito is going through right now. I can't imagine the pain he's facing of potentially losing his cousin. Iain is a bright kid, and it seems he knows much more than he ever lets on. Carrita is smart too, and they're both so young. Katelyn was seventeen in her games. Kirito was sixteen. I was eighteen. Iain is fourteen, and Carrita is thirteen. They're too young for this.

I sigh softly as Katelyn reaches across the table wrapping her hand around my fist. At first, I want to jerk it away from her because she has no right touching me. Deep inside I still want to believe her and Kirito left me for dead, but at the same time after hearing them talk to Iain and Carrita about having to beg for sponsorships made me realize they possibly tried. Yet it never answers my question, and I feel this game is going to be much more difficult to get sponsorships for my tributes. I don't want either of them to die. It sucks knowing that one has to. It sucks even worse knowing that it could easily be both of them.

President Snow picked a horrible time to rig the reaping, but in his eyes, I feel he wants this to happen. He wants to make sure an example is made of district eleven. "The best you can. You do the best you can and you hope the tributes know that you give a damn." Her words hit me harder than they should've, and my heart leaps into my throat before plummeting deep into my stomach. Sorrow and disgust flow through my veins. Caring about them is only going to cause me to grow attached, and being attached will only make it worse when one of them dies. Is it good enough to let them know that I care? Is it enough for them to rest in peace knowing I tried? I do care about them, and seeing them, Carrita and Iain, destroys me.

I take a deep breath before raising my free hand to my face. "I do care about them, Kate. I do. And I think that's what makes this situation grim." A single tear falls from my eyes, but my hand is there to catch it.