I never wanted... [Cecilia One-shot?]

"I'm sorry, I can't... I can't handle this, Iain." My voice is lowered into a whisper. I've done what I can for Iain in the amount of first aid treatment that I can give him. I've bandaged him. I've given him what care that I can. As for myself, there is nothing that can be done. No amount of needle and thread can patch up my broken heart and nothing can reattach my soul to who I used to be. I'm as far gone as can be at this moment. Cecilia Brontz of disrict eight has become exactly what the capitol tried to make me into and what I fought to be against. I glance to the right, searching for the direction that Insanis had carried Hettie off to. He went to take care of her and left me with a puking Iain.

At this point, I am not like anyone in this alliance anymore. I have been turned into a killing monster. I am probably a capitol favorite at the moment. A 'princess' as Hettie called me the moment the flames started to dance up Delta's arm and engulfed the girl as a crowd would a jester in a court of fools. I have done nothing but soil my soul and caused pain and anguish to the family of that girl. I have no clue as to which district she was even from nor her last name. To me, she was just a girl that I never knew and never saw in the training center. I didn't even notice she even existed until that very moment when I threw that knife covered in deadly, hungry flames.

I can only imagine what my brothers would be doing right now if that was me to be consumed by the fires. They would be crying and screaming but my baby sister would have no idea what just happened. Her innocence wouldn't be soiled by my hanous act of murder. Lotus will remain intact with her innocence until she is old enough to understand this horrid game of life and death and should she ever be forced into the games, I pray she dies first before she ever has to endure this torture of having the blood of a person on her hands. Same goes for my brothers, they should never have to endure this pain and torture. They should never have to choose from right and wrong and be forced to end a life just to live a little longer. Just one more day...

Today, I ended a life.

Tomorrow? Will I end another, or will someone end my life? Karma...

The constant retching that comes from Iain finally makes me me restless. I stand up slowly, holding onto the side of my ribs as painful breaths are brought in with shallow gasps. I grimace and watch the contents of Iain's empty stomach once again fall onto the ground soiling the arena with his inability to handle the stresses. A sigh escapes my lips as I turn away from himand scoop up my bag, letting it hang from two fingers holding on for dear life. A burning ache devouring my insides as a vilotile flood of hurt comes to a head.

"It's all a lie, Iain. Having a heart is... IS the worst thing in the world. I hope you never have to... I hope... I HOPE YOU DIE..." My voice lowers considerably at this moment and I finish what a hiccup interrupted. "...before you ever have to take a life..."

The words are forcefully expelled through my lips before I can stop them. They come as though lava spewing from the top of an active volcano. Only when the words have escaped and done their damage, do I find myself running away from everything. Running away from Iain and Hettie and Insanis. I'm trying to run away from the problems that I've caused myself. I made a friend and now I'm trying to ruin that. I'm trying to protect them from myself. The truth is that no one is safe and holding on to hope only drowns you in the end.

I dart pass everything.

My feet pound harshly against the ground and with each step further and further away from Iain, I feel blinding white pain sending shockwaves through my body. My chest hurts. My breaths go in and out of my lungs in excruciating bursts. I can feel my body having a negative effect on my ability to run the further I try to get away from my own past. I don't last long before I feel my lungs capsizing and no more energy can be spent to the sorrow taking over. I start to slow considerably and as I near the edge of the water, my foot catches and into the water I go.

The lukewarm water soaks through my clothes. Everything from the torso up becomes a dripping mess. Unwillingly, the water enters my nose and down into my lungs as I cough violently to expell the harsh liquid. The fall and intake of water sets my chest on fire as I pull myself up and away from the surface of the water, and turn to a sitting position in the water.

"I hate you Ezero." I mutter. "I HATE YOU."

The events start to catch up to me, replaying in my mind. The exact moment the flaming blade was released from my hand and went toward the older blond girl. The moment the knife slide through her fingers like a hot knife through butter. The flames eating her flesh and clothes. The putrid smell of burnt flesh still lingering in my nose no matter how much I try to forget. It's stale. The scene is stale and I cannot cry.

Crying is for those that have done nothing wrong.

"I have done everything wrong."

You are now worthless.

"I have no choice..."

You don't deserve to live any longer.

"I deserve to feel this pain."

What are you going to do?

"I... I don't know."

Do it. Feel it. Then forget it.

"Okay..."

Just a few feet away from me, I find my bag floating in the water. The bag that holds every item I will ever hold dear to me in this arena. Inside the bag holds all my precious items and the gems and all bandages I could ever want. Though, inside, it also harbors a darkness that I extract. One by one, I look at the knives, dropping them until I pull the rabbit out of the bag and the knife that has the blood of my kill is present upon the blade. The black, burnt tar still there as well as the blood of Delta still remain upon the sharpest part of the blade.

I contemplate it. I turn the blade from side to side and point it toward my eye as I examine the inanimate object. This blade now carries a heavy burden and the longer I hold it, feels heavier and heavier.

"It's now... or never."

It's the only way...

"It's too heavy."

Then release yourself.

"I want to. I don't want this guilt..."

You know what you gotta do.

I draw my leg up to my body and twist the knife down to my flesh as I weave an intriquet design upon my body. No tears fall but the lip between my teeth is bitten with each line that begins to form a letter. Each letter then begins to form a word. Redness seeps through the previous line but I only continue. Only when the fifth letter is carved deeply into my skin, do I feel that release and the blade falls from my quaking hand and into the water. A heavy sigh escapes my lips and I lay my head down on my knees. My eyes close and my arms wrap around my legs.

"I'm sorry, Delta."