Bitter Roots // Cato

The journey back to the Capitol took longer than I originally anticipated, but something felt off. People are rejoicing and cheering, and I don't know what's going on. I was only gone for a day. Long enough to find my brother and make amends. Every hair on my body stands as I walk through the Capitol trying to find a screen to figure out what has happened. I can hear whispers with each step I take. Eyes are glanced at me, and I feel like I'm falling apart right in front of the world, but nothing makes sense anymore.

When I enter the training center, the air feels somber. I make a stop by the bar grabbing a couple bottles to wipe away the pain of my brother. Crusader is my strength. He's my everything. Yet he's not here anymore, and I find myself wondering if I could've saved him. Downing the first bottle, I walk through the halls hearing the whispers around me. Failure. Mistake. Hope. But when I turn to them to listen closely, they turn around completely blocking me out. With a shrug of my shoulders, I walk away trying to find some comfort.

I make my way inside the gym hoping to use a weapon to find the relief I'm needing. Maybe I can find another victor standing around to ask what all the talk is about, but nobody is inside. Leaning against the rack of weapons, I lift up a spear much like the one Iain has been using in the games. He's done amazing work with it, and I hope he can keep it up. I hope he's strong enough to fight through the games. Sighing to myself, I throw the spear at a dummy as tears fall down my face. Crusader's ghost is still haunting me. I should've saved him all those years ago. It should've been me. Not him.

The weapon rack falls and the weapons scatter across the floor, and that's when my eyes rest on Katelyn. My heart shatters before she speaks, and I lift my full bottle to take a drink, but her words cut me off. "It happened." My eyes widen while I stare at her wondering what it means when I finally understand. All the talking people have done today. The feeling of regret creeps through my body. Iain was alive when I left yesterday and now he's dead. Iain is dead. Tears form in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall down my face as she speaks some more. "Don't blame yourself. If it didn't happen this year, it would be next. Or the one after. Capitol was always going to try to stop us from bringing anymore home."

My legs shake beneath the weight of my body, and I can feel myself spiraling out of control. My hands ball into fist. This is all my fault. I can't bring myself to look at her. How am I supposed to face district eleven? How can I look at Ikaia and tell him I failed? How can I comfort Kirito when this is all my fault? The Miristioma family was counting on me, and I let every single he of them down. "Of course I blame myself. How can I not? Iain as alive when I was here. He died when I left. District eleven having a bullseye on their backs is due to me winning." The words are harsh, and I feel like a sword has sliced through my body devouring my soul leaving nothing but a hollow man behind.

"I never should have made it out of that arena alive. Now I've doomed ripred knows how many lives. Look at district twelve. That's our fate. All because of...me." My knees are about to give out, and I can feel the water swimming down my face, and I'm about to walk away when Katelyn speaks some more, and all I can do is stand around and watch as the world moves on without me. "We're from a lower district, Harbinger. We're not supposed to survive. But we did. That's why they're punishing us. Kirito is going to need us now more than ever. The district's gonna need us to be strong. They'll need hope to hold onto. And our combined winnings should keep the district afloat for the next couple years. So right now, we need to keep it together until we get home."

Her hands grabbed my shoulder forcing me to look down at her, and I don't want to look at her because I know I'll fall if I look into her eyes. I have failed. I shouldn't be alive, but I am. I should've died. I wish I would've died to save everyone from this. But I'm alive.

"Are you listening to me, you big galoot? There'll be time to grieve, but not like this. Not here. Not the way the Capitol wants us to be. Broken. Useless. We have to take care of our own and we honor them." The weight presses against my shoulders and I find myself stumbling towards the ground. Iain, I'm sorry. I left you. I failed you. Kirito forgive me. Kate is right. I shouldn't show the Capitol they have me where they want me, but I can't hide it. Tears roll down to my face as I drop to my knees smashing the bottle against the floor. "It should be me. Not Annora. Not Carrita. Not Iain. Me."

The ground is hard. Pain vibrates through my body bouncing through my broken bones barely holding my body together. And Katelyn falls beneath my weight. I didn't mean to make her fall, but right now I can't control myself. I've failed as a person. I failed to keep Iain and Carrita alive. And I can't undo what's been done. "Look at me. Look at me, Harbinger." Her voice is demanding and pleading in the same way. But I still can't bring myself to look at her. Tears swim down my face landing on the ground in front of me. I've never felt this much pain before. Knowing that I am the reason two young, innocent children died destroys me. It devours my heartstrings. "Look at me." Raising my head, I turn my gaze towards her allowing my eyes to meet her's for the first time, and it takes all I have to stop myself from bawling my eyes out right in front of her.

"Maybe it should have been. And maybe it should have been me. Maybe Levi-Izar Krane should be kneeling here in front of you. But it’s not. You can’t die for them Harb. But you can live." I know her words are true, and I know that I have to live for them. For Chloë, For Kitty and Beretta and Annora and Carrita and Iain. I can't imagine what Kirito is feeling. I hear her talking about everyone and how nobody deserved to die, but they are dead. And I'm alive, and I wish I was dead because I don't know what to do. It hurt losing my brother, and it's hard looking at Patricia knowing she killed him, but I respect her because she's another victor, and I know she did what she had to do to survive. We all did. People have lost family members in the games. And now Kirito has, and I'm terrified it'll be me next. My family.

"It hurts me, and it hurts Kirito too. We all feel the weight. So share the load." I feel her hand pressuring on my shoulder, but it doesn't take any of the load away. I can't hide the pain lingering inside me, but I know I'm not alone. I have two people standing beside me, and I know that Kirito is going to need us both now more than ever. But I don't know what to do anymore. I failed him. I failed Kirito. I failed Katelyn. I failed district eleven. "Or else ten years from now, our fate will be to turn out like the victor trio from twelve, and the only people we’ll have to blame are ourselves."

I lower myself to a seated position before wiping my eyes. I never asked for this. I never asked to win the games. I never asked to mentor tributes. I never asked for none of this, but it was handed to me. Taking a deep breath, I turn away from her hoping nobody is around because I can't imagine what this looks like right now. But I don't care because nobody knows what this is like unless they've been there before. "But what can we do? I can't do anything, Kate. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say to Kirito, or the rest of district eleven. I can't look Iain's family in the eye. I don't want to explain to Carrita's family what went wrong. What do we do?" I ask before another stream of tears flow from my eyes.