When we press p-a-u-s-e [JasonxHelen]
Apr 23, 2016 19:06:39 GMT -5
Post by kousei ♚ on Apr 23, 2016 19:06:39 GMT -5
Continuation from here.
JASON MATHESON
JASON MATHESON
One foot in front of the other and I climb. In the past ten minutes I've understood a lot of stuff I never dreamed off before. Cold breeze licks my exposed flesh and shivers roll down my spine. Branches snap under my feet, every footstep sending an internal wince deep in my buried core. Actually no, perhaps I have that feeling as a result of nerves; after all, none of this feels natural but it feels right all at the same time. Breaking away, never would I think being a coward who runs would bring me to a feeling of such relaxed respite. It doesn't make any sense either, the words of countless others have asked me that same question that cuts just as deep as the last time; Jason, can't you do anything right?
I did something right today and this is the result. Nerves. They run rampant in my chest, tying my stomach into thousands of tiny unbreakable knots. It's not the weakening intensity of the cold that's making my skin as pale curdled milk, nor is it the biting breeze filling my with the need to retreat into a shell and never emerge. No, stop. I can't do that, not yet anyway. I can't retreat when I've climbed so high without falling. Step after step, one foot in front of the other I climb and climb, the abyss of failure hanging under me. It threatens to swallow me if I even dare slip up.
"So where is this place then?" She had asked me as we walked side by side. It's not far, in fact, we're almost there anyway. A wave of confidence gripped me (I actually hadn't failed yet) and I told her "not far, I think." Another risk, another foot in front of the other which means another risk. One thing I've learned to understand. I can't get higher without taking a risk.
If it wasn't so cold I think I'd be sweating from nerves. Every step up is a small climb in itself and I swear the steps get steeper and steeper every time. Failure forms in the abyss under me because no matter how high I climb I'm still small and so insignificant. I can't wait to get out of this forest in all honesty. I don't care much for these towering trees that dwarf me and Helen so easily. I don't care much for this brown muddy path or for the constant sound of my feet snapping twigs with every tiny footstep.
I'm a feather next to her, weightless enough to be carried by the wind. No, that's wrong. The ending is in sight, I'm dictating where we're going now; I can't be a pushover. I place one foot in front of the other and I continue to climb further up from the abyss of failure. Every step bringsmeus further from home and every step further from home is a weighted brick being lifted from my back. All I want is a temporary escape from the games of my family, Helen can give me that. I need it.
I think it's barely been five minutes but the staggered silence makes it feel like a dragged out era. Normal people would start talking, making some kind of conversation but something tells me this just isn't the time to do it. Silence is staggered, jarred and chipped by the sounds of our footsteps and me (somehow) breaking every branch in our path. I don't think she minds all that much, actually I really don't know at this point. I don't know who she is except that her name has five letters and she doesn't like being bumped into by strangers. One foot in front of the other, every step away from this place is a steeper step skipped.
I spot a clearing and I smile. "This is it." I announce, the cracks in my voice are hidden well by excitement. "Y'see, I sometimes come here cos barely anyone else ever comes here, kinda like my own alone place." I explain, my face still broken by a grin. Another thing I've learned to understand. People like it when you tell them stuff, being open and all that.
We keep walking and break away from the trees and I swear I just skipped a steep step. I guess it doesn't really matter at this point because we're here. There's no Ian or Russel to call me stupid, there's no smart kids at school who scrutinise my very existence because I can't get a grade and there's no shouting. Just the two of us.
Grass green covers the surface of the ground, a nice change from the brown path riddled with sticks from the forest. It stretches endlessly, so far you'd have to go up the hill overlooking the place just to see where it ends. The graveyard - a the palace of rest for the dead. I've tried my best not to let the fallen tributes of District Seven dampen the mood of this place. The dead can't rip this away from me. Two more steep steps climbed and the abyss of failure gets further and further away as Helen gets closer.
"Way better than the district square or the forest." I add, pride threatening to make a rare surface but I keep it down and out of my voice. I've learned to understand a great deal in the past ten minutes but lessons understood from the outset never leave me. Pride comes before the fall. My humility checks my false pride and I grin warmly at her. One foot in front of the other, I feel myself climbing higher. I'm silently hoping she likes it.