death of a dream [Cass:vt]

It was the same, in her eyes, painted hills stretching out as far as she could see. Rolling hills, drawn to stretch out forever – it was the last thing she had ever thought she’d see again. The air was nicer here, every step within District Eleven pulled at her heart strings. Her breath caught in her throat as she watched the people walk, watched them walk, the pride and strength in their movements so unlike what she had last seen. For a moment the sudden aching in her chest eased. The last time she had stood here people had been dying. She’d watched people die and suffer, as their plants had dried up, as the water had disappeared. These people were far more resilient and stronger than she could have ever possibly imagined. Each and every one of them looked as tough as nails, as strong as Katelyn, it was no wonder she was so fierce.

At least, she had one good thing awaiting her today; she’d get to see Katelyn.

It was a feeling like no other, standing to the side, she felt almost uncomfortable with some of the looks shot her way by the people of District Eleven. So many of them were filled with hate, so many of them simply seeing a Victor who had stolen two more of theirs. She didn’t like the way it made it hard to breathe because no matter what she said she could never validate herself. The words caught in her throat were bitter and senseless.

Shifting she glanced away, looking above their heads, finding comfort in the beauty around her. She could picture his garden, picture the strawberry plants sprawled out across the dirt. She could smell the manure, as well as the life that sprung upwards with his touch. She could remember the way his house sat buried by the fields that stretched outwards from it –the stalks that shot up from beneath the dirt, the feeling of the oil beneath her fingers. She could remember the way his hands felt, guiding hers more clearly than she could remember his face. She would have moved here without hesitation. The place she remembered so fondly would have been her home. Blinking rapidly the image dissolved. She had to stop –stop before Ky entered the picture. Stop, before it overwhelmed her.

But today was not a day meant to make her feel at ease. Before she knew it she was walking beside Justice, in his hands he held tightly onto three bouquets. She glanced downwards at them, watched the flowers shit as he moved, his steps almost perfect, but not quite. She knew she should help him, reach over, maybe grab his arm, keep him steady. But she couldn't. Her arms hung limply at her sides as the rows upon rows of stone filled her view. Her mind wondered to the pictures Katelyn had given her, to the stone carved with his name. She’d looked at them so often that she could almost pinpoint where his grave was.

Opal moved aimlessly. Uncertain of what to do. It was hard to catch whatever Justice said to her, she simply moved, numb hands grabbing hold of the flowers he offered. She felt nothing as he looped his arm through hers, a warm but foreign presence at her side.

Suddenly before her is his name. Those pictures brought to life. Cold, hard stone. His name and the games he competed in, the only reminder to the entire world that he had ever existed.

“Hey-”

The words are caught, the sentence lost before she can even start it. What was there to say? She could feel the pounding of her heart, racing down to the tips of her fingers. She could feel it pulsating in her veins, she was so alive, but staring down at him she felt so empty. She didn’t know what to say to this piece of rock, to the broken tattered and decomposed remains of the man she had loved buried beneath her feet. What words could she possibly say that he could hear? What could she possibly do that could reach him? Buried even deeper was a seed of guilt, burying itself into her soul. Some part of her was ready – knew that this was the moment she had needed, the closure to move onwards. It hurt to think that it was fair of her to even think of moving onwards, it hurt to believe that there was this sudden and dawning possibility that she could possibly be in love with someone other than him.

“Can you forgive me?” She asked, tears springing to her eyes. She untangled herself from Justice, dropping to her knees. “Why am I even asking?” Her laugh was humourless. “Of course you would, you’d be mad at me for not moving on faster, for making myself feel it every day for the past six years. You’d be so mad.”

She wiped messily at the tears on her cheeks, “I miss you every single day. And Ky-” her voice broke, face crumbling –“he’s so much like you, his eyes have that same kindness and love and awe for the world that yours did.” She leaned forwards, pressing her forehead to the stone. Whispering the words that had plagued her, “I’m scared, I’m so scared that he’s going to grow up and not know who you were, that I’m going to get it all wrong and suddenly you’re more of a stranger to him than anyone.” She sobbed, gripping onto the stone until her fingers were white.

“What do I do?” She pleaded with the silence. “I can’t stop, Potato, I can’t stop myself from falling for her, I can’t stop myself from letting go.”

The silence was deafening. It was permanent and unbreakable. No matter how much she pleaded the only response would be the sound of her own tears. He was gone and he was never coming back. Leaning back, she breathed in deeply, the breeze was soothing against her swollen face and cracked lips. The brilliance of the bright blue sky was calming, and she paused for a moment, before turning back towards the grave. She placed a hand atop the soil, fingers splayed across the damp earth. And for a moment she pretended he was there, those dirt-stained, calloused fingers reaching forwards, his warm hand resting atop hers. His breath against her ear telling her that it’d be okay, telling her he loved her. With every moment she found herself slipping, her suffering falling through her fingers like sand until there was nothing left.

“Goodbye,” she whispered, the words stolen by the wind.

Standing up she faced Justice. Opal looped her arm through his, feeling lighter than she had in a long time. “Are you ready to go?”