safe keeping {cato}

I failed Iain as a brother. I tried to volunteer for him because I didn't want him to die, but for some stupid reason they held me back. They wouldn't let me. Iain's my little brother - I'm supposed to protect him! All I can think about is him now. I think about the meal we cooked together, the mess we made, him trying to live a normal life. Iain was strong, and he needed to survive. I would rather die right now than live. I can't look at cherry pie anymore. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to do anything other than sit in this chair and hope nobody disturbs me.

Every now and then Ikaia brings Junior and Ekain over, and it's hard to look at Junior because he's named after Iain, and it's not the same. Sometimes I blame him and Kirito. Kirito won the games, he brought Harbinger home alive - why couldn't he save Iain? It just doesn't make sense.

A knock on the door draws my attention away from the blank wall. I'm tempted to ignore it because what's the point? I don't want to leave. I don't want to do anything except sit here and die. "It's me, Lotus." Hearing her voice makes me smile a bit, but I still don't want to move. But I force myself out of the chair, and I stagger over to the door. It's getting dark out, and if I don't let her in something could happen. "Hey, Lotus. Come in." I say as I open the door allowing her to come inside.

A small sigh leaves my chest as she shuts the door behind her. I'm glad she's here. I'm glad that she took the time to come and see me when most people just leave me alone. It's a harsh world that we live in. Nobody in charge cares, and I don't know what to do anymore. I often visit his grave and try to talk to him, but it isn't the same. Then Lotus pulls something from beneath her jacket, and the scent of freshly baked bread fills my nostrils. "I bake this for you." My chin drops to the floor, and I don't know what to say. Her smile makes me smile, and I feel like everything will be okay for the moment. "I thought we could share it."

Bread is expensive to buy from the markets, and I know it's expensive to make from home. Buying the supplies cost a lot. I'm at a loss of words, unsure of what to say at this moment. She's always doing things for me, and I never do anything for her. I know she doesn't want me to, but I don't want her to keep giving me things. I do appreciate them, and I want her to know I am grateful.

"You didn't have to do that." I almost wish I wouldn't have said anything because I've told her the same thing over and over again. Just being in her presence is enough for me. "Of course we can share it. I'm sure there's some leftover food in the kitchen we can add to it. Make it a feast." It's the least I can do. I want to make her happy, but I don't know how because I'm not happy myself.

Lotus walks into the kitchen, and I follow behind her. I want to be happy. To smile for real. To feel the joy inside me again, but I can't. I shouldn't be here, and my brother should. But Lotus is here, and I refuse to burden her with my problems. She places the bread on the table, and prances towards the window. I've never been much to pay attention outside. Didn't care about it. I used to, but not now. She talks about how it's a beautiful night, and that it's a full moon. Iain loved full moon's. He loved watching the clouds make it spooky. And I would sit with him. We'd talk. Share stories. I shouldn't be feeling sad, but I can't help it. "Yeah. It's nice."

I feel like I may be a dead person living inside a shell of my body. I have trouble feeling. Trouble moving on past the sadness. Trouble making sense of things. But I'm not dead. I'm very much alive, and I hate it. Lotus rumages through the kitchen, and I go by her side and start helping her. If one thing, I won't send her away with an empty stomach. I know what it's like going to sleep hungry.

My heart jumps a bit when she's excited about the feast. I thought for sure she'd turn it down, but she wants to have one. And she asks what we got left, and I open the refrigerator doors. Inside is one of the soups Iain always made. I'm sure it doesn't taste like his, but I did the best I could. And beneath that is a cherry pie. Bread, plant soup, and cherry pie. They're his favorite, and here I am eating his favorite meal without him.

"Well, it looks like some soup, and cherry pie." I remove them from inside, and I place them on the table before getting some plates and forks out of a cabinet. "Oh, maybe this syrup." I set the plates down before moving back to the fridge. Everything I make is only a way of making me sad, but I have to, to keep my brother alive. "We can put it on the bread. Like a spread." I get ready to pull out a chair from the table when I get an idea. "Maybe we can eat outside under the moon." It's been a while since I've done that, but it might help. Maybe.