Letter from Tribute Mordecai Wu to Tobias Wu

Tobias-

Day two is just beginning and last night I had a dream. We were at the ocean together, when we were kids. I think it was a memory, maybe the day that everything went wrong. I’m sorry still about then, about how I couldn’t protect you. I thought you’d died that day when those men took me, you were bleeding so much. I never expected to see you again. I don’t know why I worked so hard to live then, some part of me must have known that you’d lived and that you’d be looking for me.

The thing is, I don’t think I actually made it.

Most of me is still down in that dark cell, every bit of me on edge, waiting for the men to come and get me to hurt me again for hours on end. That was how my days went, no one else made it as long as me, no sane person could have.

I think I went crazy down there Tobias.

I think I went crazy and the Mordecai you got back wasn’t really the Cai that you wanted.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be him for you, your big strong older brother. I wanted to be him so badly that it hurts.

It’s hurt for so long now Tobias.

I feel like I’m drowning on land.

My dream was about the ocean and the sand that day. Wasn’t that the day I tried to teach you how to surf? You were pretty good at it. You’ve got good instincts Tobias.

It’s funny to me, that mom and dad and you have always insisted that I’m the strong one because I can swing a sword.

You’re the strong one Tobias, like a beacon. You’re magnetic and wonderful and I’m so proud of you.

I have a feeling that I’m almost done here. I won’t be coming home this time. There’s too much of that Mordecai who lived in that cell here, he’s engulfing me.

All I feel is a weight on my chest.

All I want is that ocean.

I’m sorry I became so selfish, I’m sorry I’m leaving you like this.

I know that this means nothing to you anymore but I love you. I always will love you.

It will be ok Tobias,
it will be ok.

-Cai