reclusive rage [♥mars vs shiva♡] // au finale

Fuck me.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck, why am I still alive?

God, it should've been him, it should've been anybody I killed, it should've been anybody else who isn't alive anymore to have made it past this point.

But it's just me.

Worthless, shitty asshole me.

". . .y o u 'r e   t h e   s u n  ,  M a r s ."

Kristian--

"Fucckkk...!"

Only a whisper, the morning star clatters to the ground next to the fallen blonde boy, and I sink to my knees with my fingernails into the sides of my head as I stare down gritting my teeth. Wide eyes and I'm shaking, God these dickheads are ruining me, they've ruined all of us since the beginning of this era but the inner demons that have made a home out of me for a long ass time now have been eating away at me this past week more and more and MORE--

"FUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!"

I raise my chin up and scream the word into the eternally dark sky. There's no stars, just like every other fucking Games day. They're the shitty ass buildings that have surrounded all of us instead, but there's none here--not where this dude and I were fighting, it was the street of a lifeless, creepy ass dark neighborhood off to the side of the city. We've had to squint our eyes to fucking see anything, use the fire we lit our weapons with for guidance but they've both been extinguished during our little stupid ass dance of death and now I'm shrouded in darkness again--

"Fuuuck meee..."

Back to a whisper, start of a series of sobs.

Just back to the usual in the life of doucherocket Mars Ramsey, except this time he's fighting for it when it isn't even worth all that much anyways. I have to keep reminding myself I'm fighting for him, his messy brown hair and his squished features and his heart and his ability to be the only one who can understand me God I fucking need you Kristian--

"...But maybe they were right about us needing each other."

I would've just let myself fucking die somehow if I had never met him. No thanks to my parents because they're nothing but asshat fucking pricks for life, but it's because of him we've managed to connect, it's because of him that he let that happen and it's because of him I see stars in the darkness now winking at me.

But there's none of them here. It's just like the way things used to be but it all became more bearable when he came into my life and now I have to fight for that back. For him, for those small specks of light in the neverending void of darkness, for just that little shred of peace of mind he gave me.

That's my reward for this week of hell.

Him.

Fine.

For the millionth time I get myself together (but still not fucking quite, because that's a good joke when you're in this shit hahAFUCKINGHA), gather my shit, and walk off who-knows-fucking-where but I'm trying, trying with just my sense of vision and the subtle shimmering of brightness on certain surfaces around here in this darkness, trying to actually not bump into anything and make it out of this piece of shit, back into the bright lights of a city operating as if it's booming with activity but that's actually the sound of the cannons signaling death, screaming from when skin parts from blades and grunts of effort as weapons are swung and thrown to obliterate enemies.

So many times have I wanted to give up, but every time I then think of how I'm fighting to stay alive for him.

My life isn't worth jack shit, but he's worth the entire world.





And then comes the Anthem.

I wake with a start, trying to gather my thoughts as to how the hell I fell asleep when I last remembered leaving the guy--Ingran was his name, right?--leaving his body to find light, as the Panem Seal washes itself over me in green and black. I quickly look around and find I'm dead center in this vibrant city, laying on the Cornucopia--an asphalt horn with the inside rotating through all the colors we see in the windows of the skyscrapers.

Did I really make it this far?

Shit, that question goes two ways and I didn't even mean for it to.

I move to the shining sky just in time as it reveals the dead. Melody Vallanso, sibling of Minos, she's dead. She made it so far but this was as far as she could go. Fuck, I'm so sorry.

Ingran Ansgot, he's dead. I killed him. "I killed you." I'm sorry. My ass gets to continue suffering for longer but I'm still alive, I'm so close to winning now I'm so close to coming back home and coming back to Kristian--

"There's a reason why it burns so ferociously."

It's like these Assmakers are laughing at me, mocking me and my motivation to keep going when it happens. Loud ass clap and BANG, lightning hits the pavement a few feet away from my body and the area is ignited with fire.

"Ohhhhh my GOOOOODDDDDDDDD."

FuckofffuckofffuckOFF fuckyoufuckyoufuckYOU fuck THIS fuck EVERYTHING.

My ass shoots up so fast as the process repeats over and over again, I grab my things once more and try to leave but all the exits that were available to me became blocked by fire.

"Kiss my ASS!"

They're making me take the one that hasn't been manipulated by their bidding.

Oh. Right.

It's the girl, the girl with...those white blots all over her skin, the Career, I have to fight her and kill her but when I do I win, I get to go home.

This is the end.

The exit I was forced to take after trying all the other ones leads me to downtown, right outside the Cornucopia, and she arrives shortly after me.

Fuuuuuck, this is it. No holding back.

But if I have to send her off, I need to let her know why I'm gonna fight like hell first.

"There's someone waiting for me back home, you know," and images of him flash in my mind causing me to begin a smirk; but it cuts short when I remember the direness of the situation I'm in, we're both in. "Someone I know will love me no matter what, he's not like everybody else. He's not like all the people I've been surrounded with all my life."

You might not win, Mars.

Oh, fuck off.

I have to.

For him.

I get ready to take a swing at her. "He's the reason why I don't feel alone anymore, so I'm sorry, but...I gotta return the favor to him." Before I get the chance to, she just laughs. The fuck? It's not one of contempt, though, it's...there's bitterness lying underneath it. I blink in confusion before she explains herself.

"Trust me, I know exactly what you mean--I've also got people who I cherish just as much waiting for me..." As she talks, she begins preparing too. "...they're the only ones who can see past this," and she gestures to her entirety, to the skin she's marked with. My intense gaze softens but only slightly for the poor girl. Fuck, I have to kill you... "I'm sorry too...but I really need to get back to them. I'm tired of feeling alone." She wields hatchets burning as bright as our hearts powered with the desire to be the last one standing in all of this, and she throws one. My eyes widen and I quickly duck before it hits me, but its flames still sear across my skin as it passes.

"SHIT."

My eyes lock back with hers after inspecting the damage for some moments, glimmer of sadness and the hint of a sad smile.

"I...guess either way this ends, at least the other will go down swinging." Sigh. "Goes to show how much we can mean to each other..." Anger stirs within me as I think of my parents. "...and how much we should."

I dip my club in tar and into the fire among us.

I am the sun.

I don't want to kill this girl, but if the sun is ever going to reunite with the moon...

I wave one of my rays at her.

I have to, I need to.

It takes every bit of the humanity left in me not to flinch and look remorseful at the terrible sound her wrist makes when it comes in contact with my studded club. I immediately moved my gaze to her face after watching and hearing the result of my first assault, it's clear I'm trying so hard to not regret what I've just done. I see her jaw shift and tears begin to formulate.

Fuck, I'm so sorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry--

I swiftly step backwards, away from her before she has the chance to shove the other hatchet she's holding into my chest. Back to the distance we were at before. There's silence and with each passing second of it does my heart beat faster and faster, how the fuck is she gonna react and is she gonna hurt me just as badly this time fuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK--

"At least you will go down swinging," she corrects me, and the most dumbfounded expression crosses my face.

Oh.

So the claws come out. She moves the hand with the hatchet behind her head, ready to launch it my way. I crack my neck and give her just as cold a stare as she's giving me now, ready to spit words of fire like the blazing gas ball I am at her since she's immediately gotten comfortable enough to do the same.

"I didn't take you for the type who plays dirty...what is your name again?"

...What the fuck? Dirty?

I don't get it, what the fuck is her problem? Was it something I said before breaking one of her bones with a single swipe? What, then?

"Remind me who my last victim, who the last victim of this Games is going to be."

This bitch is about ready to rip my throat out now for whatever reason, but I'm not fuckin' havin' it.

"What the hell are you talkin' about--?"

She launches the next axe and I make another attempt to duck from it, but I acted too late as my head gets hit with the blunt end of it. SHIT, that hurts. I stand straight back up and rub the now bruised spot with my free hand, glaring the fuck out of this bitch. My blood starts to boil as I start to yell throughout the rain and crackling of the lightning and fire, demanding an answer straight from her lips instead of playing a guessing game with myself.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?! WAS IT JUST FUCKING UP YOUR WRIST, OR SOMETHIN' ELSE?"

I ready the club to charge at her again,

"Because if it is..."

and I lunge.

"I can't be SORRY for that, ASSHOLE."

Who in the actual fuck am I talking to?

The question cycles rapidly in my head as I watch and listen to this girl with more horror by the second, she bears a dark story to tell with a mind to match and it all comes pouring out from her like mineral water into a glass from a bottle. Glass arena, bottled soul.

Every time she takes a step forward, I take two back. She's heavy with wicked emotion, they're betraying her and forcing a mask upon her face that's really fuckin' ugly, this is not who I think she is. She must be so lost, confused, and alone deep down, I can't imagine the things people must have done to her just because of the way her skin looked.

The memories of them live on as her inner demons, manipulating who she is. What she does, what she says. The aggression which bloomed in her voice from within this fucked cage of trauma she finds herself stuck in grew tenfold so quickly. Fragile bird, abused, locked up in an unpleasant past for who knows how the fuck long.

God, she needs help.

She deserves better.

Shiva deserves better.

Every single fuckin' one of us do, but life just can't FUCKING work for us like that, now can it?

She needs to be set free. Either by my hand, or she needs to learn how to escape on her own. The worst part is I don't even know which one would be the better choice of fate for her. I'm probably not the right judge of character to call the shots on that, though. God, it's me for fuck's sakes. Fucking shit.

She shrieks that she's gonna be the one to bury me six feet under like she's done to those who tormented her all her life. I swallow a lump in my throat before she thrusts her next hatchet toward me, its flame going out mid-throw but it's getting so damn close and I just--

I reflexively try to bat it away with the morning star like a fucking idiot while squeezing my eyes shut and I hear an irritating squeal from the blade, but then nothing. See no, hear no, speak no pain, it never landed. I slowly open them to see what the hell happened and find the axe laying just a few feet away from me to my left, I actually managed to divert it away from my path. A deep breath I didn't realize I was sucking in is huffed out, and I go back to looking dead into the eyes of Shiva. My words start off dripping with seething anger just begging to be let out somehow but I don't know how I can--because even despite what I think of her now she's still pissing me the hell off--but that's just dumbass Mars. I don't mean what I say to the girl at first.

Fully, anyway.

"I don't know...what the fuck kinda shit you're smoking, bitch..."

I see Kristian smiling and laughing for a split-second, and I chill the fuck out.

"...But I've been and still am speaking nothing but the truth. And honestly, I think you need to find some damn solace in someone, something. Some peace. Do you wanna be suffering forever?

I get it. It sucks, the past." My eyes meet my feet as I keep going.

"People really fucking suck, Shiva, but..."

And I grow softer and softer as more memories of him flood my mind, eyes, voice, expression. The empty hand moves to my heart and I clutch the fitted fabric around my chest softly.

"...you're the sun, Mars.

People can get hurt from staring right into your spirit, but only because they don't understand that it's more. It's more than just a bright ball of gas, there's passion behind it. There's a reason why it burns so ferociously.

They just can't look beyond what they see."

I'm now nothing more but an audible whisper by the time I finally end what I started.

"...You just gotta let go, and focus on making the now and the future the best past it can be."

I don't want to hurt this girl, but I run at her anyway because I have to, I need to. We can't both make it out of this shithole alive.

I convince myself that if I didn't manage to get through to her, at least I have this as an alternative to release her from her own personal hell.

Why the FUCK isn't she listening to me?

I know I am and always will be a douchebag at the end of the day, but why does she not see that I'm not out to get her?

Why can't she trust me?

Am I really that bad? Do I really come off as that bad of a person to everyone to the point where they won't even believe in the genuinity of my actions?

My hand attempts to stick through a gap in the cage but she panics and quickly beats her wings about all over her confines, my dumbass only watches with raised brows before she brings her beak down upon the back of it and I howl in pain, "LLLLIAR!" she accuses me of being and I draw the five digits back to my chest clutching it with furrowed brows and a frown, "Shut upshutupshutupshutupSHUTUP!" and I'm fuckin' hurt that she won't take me seriously.

The feeling is seeking attention with the pain it brings, it's blackened like these bland ass roads and this dead ass sky, blackened like her soul from the others she had the misfortune of interacting with throughout her life and blackened like mine because I'm just nothing but a stupid little piece of shit who deservingly gets called out for it even if everybody else is a dipshit too.

But I'm not one to lie to her like that, the way she's calling me capable of doing so. I don't carry those kinds of intentions, I'm not one to be a little bitch ass fox about things like that. I inhale one big one to prevent my temper from getting loose like it always does, closing my eyes as I try to absorb her accusations into a shield of stoicism until they snap back wide open when her voice drops back to being soft, weaker.

She's chanting the words over and over again, "leave me alone" with sobs consistently interrupting her and another heavy breath passes through my lips. My eyes return shut closed.

"Let...me help..." I start, but the blood bubbling in my veins betrays me with another bite at the end.

I'm a bomb, I'm seconds away from detonating like I always fuckin' do but the wrath builds back up so fast, so goddamn quick, it's never been easy to control it it has a mind of it's own it's like it's its own person living inside of me, and I just--

"...Let...me HELPPPPPP!"

Back to Plan B.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

MY LEG

OMG

THIS BITCH

GOD

FUCKING

DAMMIT

.

u gotta do what u gotta do, winnie harlow ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

.

.