ilana harvest//d11//CB1/5

it's been a while now since my cousin passed away. a while since Drake was labeled with a number (20th) and was passed along into a coffin, caeser flickerman's joyful smile stalking him to the grave. i never new my cousin well, but no one deserves to be disrespected as he had been. he was always more of a wallflower, sitting in his room, manipulating a pile of twigs to form a squirrel, while i was more out there, more open to the world. i had no secrets and i kept none in my joyful bursts of laughter.

i cried when he died, but i didn't really feel the pain that normally comes with a cherished one dying. it was not like when grandma passed away, leaving me her dimples all to myself. no, i never really knew him well enough, not enough time spent with my older cousin. i had chided myself for not feeling the pain i should have felt, but i guess i am cold in the way that i don't really feel sympathy regularly for others, just empathy, and i couldn't relate to the way he had perished so violently, dying by the hands of mordebaecai wu.

maybe one day i could relate to him, but not today, and i hope that day won't come soon.