hesperos { district seven } cb2

hespie ;

My father and I we used to hold our hands together. 

Bow our heads, bunch of hair and frizz of mine in my eyes but I never cut it much; I'm the only girl. Of six siblings, I was the second oldest, faithful sign at the hands of ripred and they never got another one so I was always little Hespie. Every night, my father's sermon knees digging into the floorboard in a too-tiny house, my brother Sampson being stupid somewhere else -- I never knew what to say. How to act, how to think, I was always terrified Ripred would count how many times I said fuck in my head; bad luck. My father would tuck me in and kiss my forehead before passing on to Sampson, "you'll always be my little girl."

Fuck that, must've been sworn in a letter I never read. 

Too noisy, too much noise -- I have a bad habit of reading our neighbor's mail, deadass picking through old tax returns and love letters like I was search for the stork myself. There was never another sister and it never bothered me much, four brothers younger than me and each with short hair, they were raised as pastor boys. A fate I never got, through clasped hands and sunday shirts maybe in another timeline, one where Ripred had a name on more than a family book; I kept my name on my hands. Ripred's never been a match maker and my father's nothing more, my name built on apple seeds of who I'm supposed to marry, how I'm supposed to marry. The last name of Ripred's man was the greatest gift I could get, my father would tell me at ten p.m., to send my good wishes to the lord so damn be it - my hands together, hair in my eyes,

the greatest gift-

No man touch on my good name. 

("To die as Hespie,") more than a whisper, less than a promise.