Dear Agony

Every waking second is a nightmare. Katelyn disappeared without any trace, and it's slowly killing me on the inside. She's held me together. She's kept me sane when all hope was lost. She's family, and now she's gone with nothing left to track her. Personally, I don't blame her for running away and living off grid because sometimes that seems like the best answer. Yet she left me and Kirito with a burden neither of us can carry alone. Well Kirito might be able to since he's strong, but I am weak. I've been broken down, and thrown to the ground. It might seem wrong, but I have to look. I have to find her.

Something changed, though. After losing Iain and Carrita, and Iona and Weaver, and Desi and Drake. Failing year after year after having such success must've took it's toll. She did the stupid Capitol show to save our families, but in the process condemned other families to death. And I'll never forgive the Capitol for almost stealing my love away. I'd never purposely hurt Navya, but the damage was done, and it just feels hard to reconnect sometimes. Katelyn probably cracked under the pressure.

I sigh softly as I move through the district. Searching every orchard, searching everywhere possible. I have to find her. I don't think I can do this alone, I can't mentor a tribute without her giving her strong advice. I can't keep someone alive when I couldn't keep my brother alive. She held us together. I wish I was there for her more. Maybe she'd still be here right now. Maybe she wouldn't have vanished into thin air.

Dead grass crunches beneath my feet, and I draw the jacket tight around my chest. The wind is cold, and it's only going to get colder. I hope she's okay because I couldn't live with myself if something happened to her. I struggle enough as it is right now. I'm trying to become the father I'm supposed to be. I'm trying to be the husband I swore I'd be. I'm trying so hard, yet it all feels like it's falling apart for nothing, and I hate it.

"Katelyn!" I shout her name loud hoping that if she's somewhere around she'll hear me, but even that seems impossible. Yet the wind carries it away just like it carried my brother away a couple years ago. I want to hate her for leaving. I want to hate her for dropping the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I'm not alone. Kirito is here to help, and I'm going to have to use him for help. I need him, and I hope he needs me. We're brothers through and through no matter what happens.

Dammit, Katelyn, where are you? I keep searching, and I keep sniffling to prevent snot from running down my face. My hands are shaking, yet they're nice and warm inside my pockets. I keep squinting, and searching, and I can't find anything. No sign of her nothing. I'll have to cross the fence somehow. I have to search through what's out there. To find her. I need her by my side in order to keep me strong. I need to go to her with questions, and she gives advice in return.

I won't rest until I've searched every part of the district, and if I haven't found her by then, I'll cross into the woods, and I'll search all of Panem until I find her. I need her right now because a quell is coming up, and I want to make sure that she's okay. She's more important than the games. They can wait, but finding Kate can't.