gamble. // tom

What am I to do now?

The question starts running through my head on a loop when we step foot into the training center, when I step foot into where I'm sleeping for the next week.

When I step foot into cold--stations next to each other and on opposite ends of the gym. I see Careers surrounding tables with blades and axes and flails, other tributes trying to make fires or themselves their own weapons and means of survival with different kinds of material and their own creativity.

What am I to do now?

I left them behind.

I left them behind without a warning.

I wonder what they must be thinking now,

"Stop.

I volunteer."

When I saved that boy's life by placing my own in Death's bony hands. I know Mom must be heartbroken--I didn't want to look at her face, at anybody's faces because I'm tired of watching and feeling their pain suffocating me when I can barely even handle my own, but I can see it. Her hands clasped over her mouth as she gapes, immediate tears before letting herself be comforted by Dad in a tight embrace.

Dad must be confused. Must be disgusted, must be angry with me, and I don't blame him. I didn't set a very good example for my brother and sister,

but when you're meant to drown in red strings of suffering, what is the point?

They must be shocked. They must feel betrayed, because I told them they weren't going to get reaped but I let myself be.

I consoled them, reassured them, uplifted their dashing hopes only to be the same person to bring them back down into even more despair. That memory will never leave them surely, watching their own brother act like one and then leave for the rest of their time here until their time runs out--God knows if it's by their own slip of paper being pulled out or their own raised hand.

I sure hope not.

And Holli?

I only want to wish her well in life, her and her fucked up family, her and her treacherous parents and nothing more.

I don't even want to think about her anymore when she's the cherry on top of a slice of coffee cake.


And so I'm alone.

Not that I mind all that much, though.

What am I to do now?

My eyes scan through the noise and the accommodations for something empty, something I can work on without having to face a Career and without worrying about being interrupted by another person--and I land on metal and green.

The plants station seems like a good place to start. From what I've seen in past Games, it's definitely come in handy for past tributes and victors alike. Find out which one hurts, which one heals, which one keeps you from starving and which one keeps you from living.

It's too bad I don't know anything about plants.

I walk over and just stare, from one group of leaves and flowers to another, before picking up one and spinning it around with scrutiny.

What am I to do now?

This is gonna take awhile.