another weekend . { pussy thieves }

She never really understood until now — what it really means to be in this place.

She wanted to be a hero but she never knew how afraid she would be; how could she know something that she has never truly felt? It was different watching Serena and Alice die. She didn't really feel it — she didn't really have the capacity to care for people she had never spoken to.

But now it was Quill. Quillon Blackfare — one minute he had been standing next to her, and the next there was a spear through his skull. She watched him fall like he was nothing; but he wasn't. Quillon wasn't nothing — but she had never really contemplated how it would feel when one of her friends died. Death had never seemed real to her until now; she has never lost before this, never longed for someone who was long gone.

It occurs to her in a bleak image of her own lifeless body that she could die here, too. And if it hadn't been her, it would have been Jezebel. She isn't sure now which one would be more bearable.

If she killed people here, would her sins be forgiven in the name of saving her friend?

She's added Ansel Khiev to her blacklist; if she is to live, she must take him down. He is too great of a threat. It is the second day in and he has three of the four kills. She will find him, she decides. And she will end him. It's such a violent thought, and it surprises even her, but it's one that she can't just push away. It seems that here, her mind has more power over her.

Clementa is another thought she can't push away.

[insert alliance planning here]

"Quillon is gone but —" she looks at them, back and forth between Tobias and Clementa. "But we're still a team. We have to be."

At least for a while. At least until we have to stab each other in the back.

[more to come for alliance stuff]

---

In the morning, they pack up and depart, just as they did last night. Jacinta is unsure of where they are now, but it is a much more familiar area to her than the moon pond, which was too ominous for her tastes.

"I like it here better, at least," Clementa comments as the three of them walk through a forest encased in ivy.

Quillon should be here, right beside Tobias as always. She turns her head and expects him to be, but then she remembers with a sinking feeling.

"It's less creepy," Jacinta agrees. She wrinkles her nose in disgust at the smell of rot"Reminds me of home a bit, except for the smell." She looks at Tobias, her district partner. "It's nice to see a forest again. Not quite like home, but as close as we're going to get."

[insert more alliance planning]

In a matter of minutes, they reach the heart of the forest, where the smell of rot is less overwhelming and the ground is suddenly barren. The clearing is surrounded by a circle of stones. Although it is unusual, it doesn't give Jacinta the creeps, unlike some of the other areas in the Arena.

She doesn't have much time to look around before she hears the crunching of the underbrush and twigs. From the forest before them emerges a large predator, like a cat, but much uglier, with amber eyes that glow like hot coals. After the hellcat, what appears to be a giant tarantula follows. Jacinta nearly shrieks in surprise, but she stops herself, not wanting to attract attention from nearby tributes.

"Well —" she gulps. "I'll take this over fighting more tributes." Her voice wavers ever so slightly as she pulls her axe out of her belt. She draws in a deep breath, trying to channel her sudden fear into fury.

"Have I mentioned I really, really hate spiders?"

The blade of her axe slams into the ground and blood spatters across her chest plate. "Fuck!" Tobias yells. The mutts lunge towards Clementa and Tobias — she sees the hellcat's claw rip into Ment's thigh. Blood spatters on the ground again, and Jacinta --

okay i'm rlly sick and I can't think and I feel like my writing is shit rn so I will fill this in tomorrow if I'm feeling better

"Quillon is gone but-" I tried to listen, to actually process.


It's hard to imagine that, trusting Tobias and Jacinta with my life but I guess I already am. Between dinner dates and late night whispers, I'm stuck with them and they're stuck with me -- we're stuck without Q, the only one who knew what he was doing. I want to die and Jacinta has no business in a place like this. Tobias steers us on golden pavilion and I just pray I don't fuck it up for them to notice; just kill me quick.
please.

p l e a s e. 

It's impossible not to realize this was so stupid - coming to this place again. I see it in every nightmare, before Myara died and after Emberly and I guess I thought it'd be easier to live the games myself than fear it forever. And I'm scared, just one mistake- just one slip up. I wasn't supposed to watch people die, not in real life -- I wasn't ever meant to be here and even just holding a weapon kills me I want to be dead but I still keep fucking doing this. I still keep fuckin breathing and watching and pretending that it'll just end someway that won't kill me, and in that sense I hate myself more than I think my father can. I've made mistakes, I just never wanted to be somebody else's. 

And so a part of me is happy to remember the date with Tobias. Dressed up and tipsy and laughing about being tribute siblings, we're special! Toby boy, we're top dogs around here, don't you know and it just seemed- easier? Being drunk and being stupid and getting away with it and that one night keeps me sane, I'll never get that again. I won't ever see my father again, 
I won't see Q again. 

"Is this thing fucking invincible?" 

We were just supposed to be here for lifelines. Kieran being forced to baby sit me through this shit, maybe if they had a real ally Q wouldn't be dead ,y'know? It's hard not to think about it, even with a hellcat swiping my ass with blood on my teeth. I scream and panic because I'm not a fighter, Tobias doesn't seem scared- Jacinta is too rich to be calm. Everything's here to kill me but I wanted that; why am I so scared? Why do I apologize for crying myself to sleep when I know I can't stop it, why do I miss wanting to be alive? 

Jacinta screams, for a second I swear time breaks. 

For the second time, I watch the only person keeping me alive die. Q and Tobias, it seems surreal; watching good people die. "FUCK-" it's a second reaction, a sliver of a smile and I can't be the last person to see him alive, I can't go through this shit. Hellcat latching onto his eye socket and I watch them both fall to the ground, air thick and I don't have the time to think- I don't have the time to watch Q die all over again. "Get the fuck off," screaming through sweat, sweet panic, I can't watch him die not while I'm still alive.

[attacks hellcat]
2aKBPVkw200+14000
[14003 -- BROKEN RIGHT FOOT -- 6.5 damage]