divided we fall {CoS vs. Berserkers vs. SS Day 4}

For the first time since I entered the arena, I allow myself the chance to cry. Back home someone would say I am weak, and I believed them. But being here locked away in the depths of my own mind, I have realized that crying isn't a sign of weakness.

I've been strong for too long, and the pain has to escape somehow. Right now it's leaking from my eyes rolling down my cheeks as I leave the pond behind.

I remember the moment Esme died. I remember how angry I was when the spear pierced her delicate eye. I remember when Bailey died. I barely remember hearing her cannon, and right now I feel like I've failed them because I couldn't keep someone I cared for alive. It has been so long since any tears streamed down my face, but I can't help it right now.

And that's okay.

My head hangs, bobbling around with every step I take. It's just another day. Another chance to stay alive. To fight for what I believe in, but I don't even know what that belief is anymore. It's a chain holding me to the world around. It's keeping me from becoming the man I've dreamed of becoming ever since I've been given that second chance. The chains tether me to the broken promises, and I simply want to break free for a moment to keep my last few promises. I swore I would try, yet it doesn't even matter anymore.

I have failed in so many ways.

Every breath makes me crumble, and nothing makes sense anymore. I'm just a step away from falling off the edge into an unknown abyss.

But I'm still alive.

I stop when the pond is out of sight, and my knees give beneath the weight of frail body. My eyes are heavy begging for just a moment of rest. My tongue is sticking to the roof of my mouth - maybe this is how I die. But my hand wraps around the full bottle in my bag, and I'm about to bring it to my lips to devour every ounce lingering inside when I remember the most important part of survival. My thumb fiddles with the tiny iodine tablet wondering if it's even worth placing this thing in the water to make sure I stay alive -

I promise to try.

- but the words spoken so many times come to mind, and I know I have to try. I promised my family. I promised Rhaegar. I can't just give up now even though my entire being is begging me to. I wonder about Josephine and Atlas. I wonder if they're okay to drink.

Atlas needs help just like Rhaegar did the day before.

A heavy sigh leaves my chest as I carefully make my way over towards him, needle and thread in hand. Maybe it can help if only a little. That's all I want. To keep him alive. To prevent him from dying. I failed once, and I refuse to fail again. "Here, allow me to help you." I don't really wait for a response before going to work carefully threading the needle and thread through his delicate skin only stopping long enough to make sure he's still okay. "It's not much, but maybe it'll help some."

I try to offer a smile, but it's not genuine. It's fake like the rest of the happiness lingering inside a place like this. But maybe it'll help. Maybe it'll keep him alive for another day. Maybe he won't die.

Maybe I won't fail.

I reach back into my bag pulling out another iodine tablet before handing it to Atlas; "Here drink some clean water." I don't want him taking a risk because I can't have him die. I can't lose someone else, but it's inevitable if I want to make it out of here alive. So many have to die, and I just hope it's not me. I want to go home. I want to live this second chance I've been given. Surviving this will give me a third chance of becoming the man I promised myself I would become. I lift my own bottle to my lips guzzling down every drop of liquid inside before placing it back in my bag.

The bag has lost a bit of weight, but it's still heavy from the other bottle I filled.

I turn towards Josephine unsure of what to say. She shouted some crazy things before driving her sword through the eye of Atlas' district partner. Treading lightly is important because I want her to know that I'm there if she needs to talk, but I don't want to push myself on her. For a moment, I try to come up with what to say, yet nothing will ever make it better, so I do the best I can; "I am here if you need to talk." It's nothing much, but it'll get the point across.

"Same goes for you too." I turn back to Atlas giving him the same chance. Maybe they'll take this opportunity, or maybe they'll let it fall to the side. It doesn't matter either way.

When the anthem plays, I don't even look because I refuse to watch his face glare down at me from the sky as I fight to stay alive.

The sound of my chattering teeth woke me from a slumber. My entire body is shaking. It feels like it keeps getting colder. The breeze slices through my skin cutting straight to the bone. Each breath crystallizes before my very eyes. It reminds me of winter when snow falls on the ground, but there is no snow.

A gentle breeze tickles my ears and the rest of my face.

"Come on, we need to move."

I wait for my allies, and when they're ready I move.

This time I don't hold a star in my hand. Atlas gave me a wooden stake just a couple days before. Maybe it can help me aim better. Maybe it can help me find the kid who killed Rhaegar and end his life.

I'm moving one way, but the wind keeps pushing me back. The gentle whisper slowly grows louder and louder. I can't move against it. I can't do anything except keep my head down. The tips of my fingers are burning. My teeth continue chattering against one another. I really need a fire before the cold completely wipes me from the earth. My bladder is full, and I need to use the bathroom, but I'm afraid the urine will freeze in place.

I hold out my hand trying to block the wind from hitting me, but it doesn't do good enough.

It pushes me around from place to place.

A terrible smell enters my nose, and I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's worse than anything I've ever smelled before. Every part of my being is telling me to run away, yet I keep pushing myself forward with a wooden stake in hand. Through the clouds, I can see the orange moon barely illuminating the ivy twisting through the forest.

My neck hairs raise.

Silver flashes before my eyes.

That's when I see him.

The kid who killed Rhaegar.

He's holding the sword Rhaegar held just hours ago. Despite the cold, my body feels warm. My cheeks flush red. My gaze narrows as I slowly inch forward. I promised Rhaegar I would kill him, and this is my chance. It's time to show him that he made a mistake in ending the life of a man I called friend.

His allies are there along with another group we fought just days before.

They don't scare me.

"You will not leave this fight alive." I point the stake at the kid from three aiming my words at him. "You'll only return home in a body bag prepped for burial, and I hope you are ready."