oh wrow, a secret? (for emma x)

clementa lowe.

"Ment . . ."

"I don't know-"

I wanted to be alone, right?

This whole time, camera's on and next to Jacinta -- I wished we were alone. Moonlit skin, I'm not sure it's night and I'm not sure it isn't. I don't have the energy to be mad anymore, I'm not even sure I want to be. Jesus Christ, it's only been three days. three nights. Jaci next to me and we both are aware it won't last, that it is nothing-- we both have a reason for being here and it's just minutes left right? Just a few more hours together, we're all just waiting for death. It's so fuckin' stupid, watching the moon never move. Waiting. 

It'll change, eventually.
right. 

Wrapped together, waiting for something to change, waiting for better whenever it comes- whenever good will come. And maybe it's too late for that, maybe it is too late to keep wishing that I'll wake up somewhere else and I'll get to pretend my sisters and I are happy again. Jaci and I can go back to not knowing each other, never waking up in tangles together- I think I'd trade it all. I think, I think I just want to go back to strangers. No more death threats, no more wanting my strings cut -- to end up like Tobias. Or Emberly, or Myara. Or Saffron. The longest seventy two hours, I only know it's night when the anthem rings. 

I only know it's night when it's just Jacinta and I. 

"Don't  look," I say, through a pity laugh. 

Warning shots,

"It's not-"

Jaci doesn't finish and I don't want her to, things are too heavy. Things have always been heavy, but just one night, that's all a girl can ask for right? For three years I've held this shit every night, I just need-
one night. 

No reminiscing, no waiting. 
Just sleep, maybe.

"I didn't think I would get homesick." 

Not after running away from it myself, Jaci next to me. It's- two days, two days time. Maybe we won't get another night, with our rate maybe I'll have to bury Jacinta and walk away with another heartstring and maybe I won't, I don't know. I can't keep watching death, "Emberly doesn't feel dead." Why the hell did I just say that, just "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to," I know, turning, eyebags to eyebags and in the dark she seems even more transparent. Like I already lost her, like I'm already alone and it's so stupid to think there's comfort here. That when I die she won't just forget, we already don't talk about Q. Tobias just died and I haven't said anything, maybe she'll be the last person to say my name. Maybe Emberly's name dies with me, and maybe Kiara will grow up sometime different- sometime less. "I know." 

Say I die tomorrow, maybe that's just it.

"I just-"

Maybe I just exist somewhere else, just unspoken. 

"I wish I could love you, Jacinta."