almost beautiful. sasha.

i know i always pull the strings, let the voices sing

but i don't know if it was just the medicine

i had to chase my dreams, but at what cost?

what i lost, i don't think i can get back again

Dial tone, my heartbeat, they're twins.

I don't know why I keep pressing the phone to my ear long after the crackling voice of my father leaves me. I don't think I want to hear him again, wait for the line to cut out and for him to tell me it was all a rouse, that what I heard wasn't a practical joke. I think I just want to stay here, starting at the dull walls of my living quarters, Beans sitting quietly at my feet, lost in the never-ending drone of the telephone line.

I kill it. One beep, my forefinger moves an inch and the phone turns off. Ends, just like...

Just like...

I'm not hungry.

Realisation, I'm staring at the luminescent insides of our fridge, leaning against the door. Ice-cold air whispering against my cheeks and I suddenly understand that I'm not hungry. And then I understand what that means

Oh.

That bad, huh?

Beans whines, because he's still hungry, so I feed him, scoop into his bag and pour out his dinner, routine, I'm not thinking. Just letting my body take over, all muscle memory and Beans wagging his tail. Good for him, he's happy - at least someone is.

I'm not happy but I'm also not sad, I think I'm just numb.

And dumb. Shit like this happens to people all the time, right? Kids younger than me. Fifty percent. Shit, Connie's parents are like, dead. And the kids never complain, let alone him - at least when I'm not around.

Still. I don't know. I'm so far away from that place now, so far away from the girl who used to live in that world and yet I feel like I'm right back where I started, smack-bang in the center and everything is crumbling and falling apart. Maybe because I'm not there it's worse. Dad's voice, cracking down the line, mine dead. "Oh." All I could say was "oh."

"Okay."

Someone turns the lock after a while and the kids spill in to the living room - they've got water guns, that's fun. I smile when they wave them in my face, neon green and blue, they really are quite cool. At least my smile feels half-genuine. The poor kids buy it anyway, run off into the hall to soak everything, maybe I'd care, on another day, in another world far from this one.

Keys clang as they hit the kitchen counter, I'm not hungry.

"Hey Connie?"

I don't know if he's heard me, I'm just staring at my hands, but I swallow, hard, like it means something.

"My Dad called."

There's tears in my eyes, so it must.

"He broke up with my Mom today."

I'm starving, so I feed on my own bitter truths and his bright, bright eyes.

that's the way it is, let's just smoke this

are we crowned almost beautiful catastrophe?

but you, you should know better than anyone

we're lying to ourselves