Chadsworth Hastings Guilford III [District 2, Done]

Sometimes, when I have one of these losers pinned to the ground, I’ll get up close to their ear and tell them, My family’s got a gold plated toilet that I’m gonna shit in, just like your fucking mouth.

You don’t believe me? Let me break it down for you. One, our family’s been on top since the day my grandfather started putting metal into machines, son—he made that shit like crazy expensive, and the capitol was so into it they basically blew him for the opportunity—so then we wound up with more money than you could ever know what to do with. And then my dad was born, and he didn’t even have to work, but because my grandfather didn’t want some peasant to take over he made sure that shit stayed all in the family. So he passed it on to my dad, who’s taken care of all of that and made even more money and connections than even gramps did.

Two, it’s going to pass onto me, Chadsworth Guilford, third of his name, breaker of motherfucking necks, magnet of bitches. I’m gonna be a fucking king in this district, even after all this stupid training. That’s right, I’m a career too because my body’s gonna look tight when I sit on that throne. Right, we have a throne in our big ass house because that’s how we treat our guests. When my dad has his business partners over, he has them all in the throne room and they have to sit in these chairs that are actually a few inches closer to the ground. How fucking hilarious is that? They all have to look up to him no matter what, pretty fucking boss.

Three, when it’s my turn, there’s gonna be a coronation. We’re talking all the important people coming in to watch my father pass the crown to me—a real fuckin’ crown, bitch. Gold and platinum and all that luxury because Guilfords don’t cheap out on that shit. It’s called symbolism sweetie, if you needed to know why. When he trusts me enough I’m going to get to take over, and make the place my own. He says I’m not ready yet but I’m sitting in on some pretty important meetings.

My sister Ashleigh doesn’t get fucking squat. Sucks that she was born second, you know, but that’s just how life is. It’s not like she can’t go and marry someone important. But she gets to explore her own shit while I hold down the business, so at least she gets that, right? God she’s had so many fights with my dad about it. Why does Chadsworth get to be the one just because he was first out mom’s snatch? Why can’t we have some sort of test for this? Chadsworth can’t even read! You know, all the sort of stuff someone who’s totally jealous would say. But I’m not worried about her, we’ll just marry her off to some rich house and she can go like, paint art or something.

My mother? Oh, she’s always made sure that I get whatever I wanted. She’s the one that stands behind my dad in all the photo ops. She’s the one that looks like she’s made out of plastic. You know, I don’t think she can actually cry anymore. But she’s not a bad mom, except for all the times that she forgets to get me what I want. Like, how many times do I have to yell at her for her to realize that she needs to drop everything to get me what I need? I’m the one that’s going to lead the family into a new golden age, so is it really that much of a problem for her?

Just about the only thing that sucks is having to train every single damn day. The only person I’ve ever let yell at me is my trainer, but—I do get to rip on all the other kids. I don’t let anyone fucking get in my way, and I know that there’s a lot of bitches that would try. I mean, some people just treat this like they’re robots, but I actually like hearing them scream. There’s not as much stuff quite as satisfying as having someone underneath you tell you they can’t breathe until you choke them out. Their little loser faces when they cry about it, oh you’re hurting me Chad; please don’t hurt me Chad, I just was looking for the bathroom! God they’re all so dumb.

I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything else, you know? I mean why the fuck should I? I’m gonna be like a fucking god in a few years, and that’s all that matters. But I’ll be a benevolent king. Like, I’ll be good but sort of violent. That’s the loose translation of the word—bene and violent. Good and violent. Man I’m so fucking smart.