Stratus Cloud - Peacekeeper - fin | Hunger Games: The RPG

Stratus Cloud - Peacekeeper - fin Jan 13, 2018 23:39:23 GMT -5

Post by ryan on Jan 13, 2018 23:39:23 GMT -5

Stratus Cloud
words that break up the paragraphs are from Chirstina Perri's Human

I can hold my breath.

I wasn’t always a mean person. There was once a upon a time where I would be thought of as a kind and gentle soul. Someone who thought of others. Someone who took care of a family that struggled. I was born in District Two, a career district. Which in fact, I was. I trained with the best of them in order to volunteer for the games. However, the trainers there said that while I was a hard worker, I would never have what it took to survive in the games. I thought way too much. I cared too much. When I sparred with people, I would always make sure that they were taken care of after our spar. While I would win, I didn’t hold that over them. I thought of everyone as equal. We were all good, but there were tons of time where I was just better. Or they were just better. It was that attitude that never got me the right to volunteer.

I can bite my tongue.

And while I thought I fought for the right to go into the games every year, there was always someone that fought harder. Each year I would work up the courage to volunteer, but then there was someone that would beat me to the punch. I was known as a slowpoke around the district. I talked a big game about taking the spot from someone else, but every time I had my opportunity, it would be snatched from my fingertips quicker than food. My parents were indifferent to this. Either I would go in, or I wouldn’t. While they wanted to have a victor son, they also wanted me to be happy, which was something I thought I should always resent. A memory that plays in my head all the time was the last reaping that I was eligible to be entered it. I dressed up for the occasion, asking my father to let me borrow one of his best suits. I was surprised how well the suit fit my broad shoulders. I looked at myself in the mirror, and thought about how much I looked like someone that could volunteer. How much I was ready to do this. I was ready. I was ready. I was ready. I kept telling myself that all the way to the reaping ceremony. I could do this. I just had to believe it. Then my name was called, and as I made my way, I waited for it. I waited for someone to shout the words that I dreaded in this moment.

As I got to the center, walking down a runway to my own demise, someone walked right in front of me. Placing their hand across my chest to stop me. Just when I thought I finally had my opportunity, he screamed that he volunteered. Pushing me back and walking up on that stage. The crowd erupted into cheers and chants, and the cacophony of sounds was deafening. Nauseating. Scary.

However, instead of saying anything, I turned around and walked right back to my spot. I bit my tongue, realizing that maybe I was never meant to volunteer for the hunger games.

I can stay awake for days.

And that decision crushed me for a while. Depression sunk into my skin and infected my soul. I felt like the muscles inside of me were rotting out, turning black and thin. It hurt more than I could describe to someone else. My heart hurt. My pain intensified as I watched the games. Watching the tribute who went instead of me get hunted down. I would have been ready for the games, and of course, now I would never get my chance.

If that’s what you want

My parents at first were angry with me. They were upset because when they realized that I had finally been through my last reaping, they didn’t understand why I couldn’t stand up for myself. Why I had let myself lose focus and not focus on getting into the games. I didn’t talk to them for a while, mostly focusing on what I was going to do now that I was free from the fear of being reaped.

The funny thing was, I wasn’t afraid of being reaped. I wanted to go in and win the games, however, I guess my time just wasn’t up. There was still something that I must have had to complete here. I didn’t know what that was, but Two seemed like it needed me. Maybe? I wasn’t sure.

I asked my parents what I should do, and they looked at me like I was crazy. They were disappointed in me, which was enough to keep me from interacting with them. I wanted to give them space just as much I needed space from them. However, I was lost. I was traveling in a forest that I didn’t know. Talking to my parents sent chills down my spine, and the shame in the room clouded it up to the point where I couldn’t breathe. I felt suffocated.

I spent most of my time around the training centers in two because I couldn’t bring myself to do much of anything. The games were almost over by the time people started training again, and while I needed something. Anything to distract myself from the hollow shell of my life. I let myself go. I got lost in the emotions of losing out on such an important event, and after a while, everything here in two seemed foreign to me. I didn’t want to pick up a staff like I once did. I didn’t want to spar with people. My bloodlust was gone. My anger was boiling over. My depression was taking over.

My parents though still acted like they didn’t care. They knew what this was doing to me on the inside, but they just let it go. I tried my hardest to make this not sound like it was the end of the world, but it was. It was the end of my world.

That was when I stumbled on a Peacekeeper Flyer, and I thought it might have been the answer I had been looking for.

Be your number one.

I read more into it, and then decided that after my current state, that I needed to go for this. It wasn’t that I particularly agreed with what the capitol wanted Peacekeepers to uphold. The depression was clouding my judgement, and I needed to get out of the rut I was in. I knew that it would be an arduous task for me to complete, but if there was one thing that I knew about myself, it was that I was tenacious. I didn’t stop at anything I put my mind too. Of course, I stopped for a bit when I didn’t get into the games, but that was something that I was going to have to get over. Quickly.

I can fake a smile.

Well actually. So well that my parents thought I had completely changed when I came home from my first day of training. I had to show people that I wasn’t a sad sack that would mope around all the time. No. I had to show people that I was able to not let things hold me back. I had to show people that I was strong, even though I knew better than that. I was a scared little boy, taking up a job that involved me enforcing things that I didn’t truly believe in. I could have walked away from it all, but I didn’t, because I wanted to feel something again. If I could, I would stick a knife in my hand everyday just to make sure that I was alive. Just to make sure that I was human.

I can force a laugh.

The people that I met here in the academy rubbed off on me the wrong way. The people here were brutes. Macho men and women who didn’t know the difference between civility and hostility. Everyone was hostile here, which I saw as a half blessing because that meant that I would be kept on my toes. I couldn’t lie, that was something that I could appreciate. Just because I didn’t like these people, didn’t mean that I couldn’t be friendly with them. I could lie. I had to lie. It was the only way I was going to get through the rest of this experience.

I can dance and play the part if that’s what you ask.

I turned into a marionette. I felt like I had strings extending from my arms and legs, and I moved at a sluggish pace. I was regurgitating the same routine over and over but I knew that at the end, it would pay off. I would be doing something. Something more than just moping around because I couldn’t realize my true dream. That was something that I had to give up on now. A year later and I couldn’t believe how much of a roller coaster my life had become. Up and down, I could feel my dinner some nights wanting to upchuck out of my mouth and all over the floor. I was still lost, but this lost boy was finding his way through his dark forest, ready to pounce on his depression. I finally felt like myself again, which took almost a year to realize. Maybe I would be able to make my family happy for once. Maybe I would be able to bring honor to my district in some other way. Maybe this was it. I didn’t know, and now I had to continue to play the role of puppet. However, I could get used to it a bit more. I could see myself getting used to this.

Give you all I am.

And that is what I did. I gave myself to my new career. At first, they started me out in District 11. They told me that is where they sent a lot of the new recruits due to it being one of the larger exports of food for the capitol. I heard through rumors that it was tough in eleven because people wanted to start something. When I asked about this though, my fellow peace keepers would ignore me, telling me to fall in line because I was the new guy. I didn’t have time to ask questions, a boy at the age of nineteen. For the first time in a long time, I was scared of what might happen here, but I was also determined to make sure that this was just a stepping stone in my journey to become someone honorable. Besides, I signed up for 20 years. 20 years of torture. 20 years of loneliness. 20 years of dedication. But most importantly, 20 years of fear. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me while I was here. I could only hope that it was nothing but good.

I can do it.

I told myself that, waking up in the place I called home one day while picking up the pieces of a fight that broke out here in 11. I didn’t understand why people got so hostile over peacekeepers here in 11. They treated us like we were the devils incarnate. Of course, there were some here that were considered dangerous, but I didn’t think much about it. We were doing our jobs, and while I did not enjoy forcing an elderly man back with a baton, it was what I was trained to do. To quiet the districts who try to go into rebellion. To maintain order, peace, and quiet. My job was to make sure that people did their jobs just like there were people who made sure I did my job.

Did I wanted to forcibly hurt someone? No. I didn’t. Actually, exactly the opposite. I wanted to protect them, because as peacekeepers, I thought it was important to make sure that people were also protected from harm. Maybe it was because I had a hero complex. Maybe it was because I still tried to live with honor. However, I could tell that honor would get me nowhere. It seemed like the more ruthless you acted, the more you were favored. So of course, I had to play a part. I had to prove that I could do it.

I can do it.

Like when I was moved to District 7 because there were talks of people going on strike. I was told that they didn’t really take kindly to someone telling them what they could and couldn’t do. However, I didn’t think that it was a bunch of kids that were causing the ruckus. I thought about my little brother as I had to swing at one of them, knocking them on the ground. I watched as blood started to seep out of his mouth, and while I was worried that I might have used a little too much force, my other peacekeepers told me not to worry about it. They deserved it.

Did they? They were just kids after all. I started to realize, after just a couple years into the service that maybe this wasn’t the work for me. While I did enjoy feeling like I had authority, I knew that I didn’t have any. We did what the capitol wanted us to do. Snow was the king and we were the pawns, however, we could be attacked from either side. It was either fall in line, or face the consequences. This was another thing that I learned in my years of serving as a peacekeeper. People were cruel, no matter which side you aligned with. And while others told me that I should never question the will of the capitol, there were time where I felt at odds against everything I had learn. However, Panem Today, Panem Tomorrow, Panem Forever, that was what I was taught.

I can do it.

After years of service now, I became skilled at my job. I could tell when things were starting to go awry somewhere in whichever district they would send me too. They told me that district four would probably be the last place they would send me too, as they didn’t intend to move me around too much when I joined up. Of course, I had realized that the capitol did whatever they wanted. If it best suited their interests, then I just did it. I didn’t spend much time longing over the thought of what they wanted me to do. I started to become a soldier that just did what they were told.

However, district four was different from the other districts that I had been in. It was like I worked my way up, and while there were still hostile people wherever I went, things just seemed slightly easier as time went on. Maybe it was because I finally felt like I could do anything they asked me to do. I was confident now that I was comfortable with being a peacekeeper. While it wasn’t a glamorous position, it was one that I could take pride in. I could now look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I could do it. I wasn’t afraid of what they threw at me anymore. Instead, I just did it, and I didn’t ask questions. That is what got you in trouble. Not falling in line. To question a superior was to question President Snow himself. Well, at least that was what it felt like.

But I’m only human

I fell on my face a couple times while I was in four. There were times where I didn’t quite discipline people the way they wanted me too. There were days where I felt like I was soft, but I think it was because I didn’t want to strike fear in every person I interacted with. The good thing about being in a career district, was that you didn’t come across people that resented the capitol. People here were taken care of by the capitol, being one of the richer districts, and that meant that us as peacekeepers had less work to do sometimes because people weren’t rowdy. People knew how to fall in line here, and while being in another district, like eleven or seven made the job of being a peacekeeper interesting, I don’t think I was cut out for districts like those.

Or maybe I was, and I just didn’t have enough grit to survive them. While most people did what they were told here, it didn’t mean that it was all sunshine and rainbows. People were aggressive here in four, and sometimes that aggression led people to argue over things that might seem trivial. Something like crossing the lines of where people fish would send people into a tirade that might have ended in a physical altercation. Again, I learned that they should deal with it themselves, but sometimes the conversation evolved to include us. What I mean was that people might have been comfortable here, but that didn’t mean they liked having us around all the time. I wasn’t here to make friends anyway. Well, at least that is what I told myself.

And I bleed when I fall down.

One time during a fight that broke out over turf, weapons were drawn and I wasn’t paying attention when I went to break it up. I was stabbed in the abdomen, just right above my stomach. It was the first time I had ever had a weapon drawn on me. While they tried to make it seem like an accident, I realized that people showed their true colors in ways that I never thought I would see. I thought for a long time that I would ever feel a blade penetrating my flesh. Long gone were the days where I thought the only time I would feel the teeth sink into my skin was when I was in the arena.

I laid in the hospital bed while they stitched me up. They told me that while there was nothing major punctured I still would wind up with a scar. While that didn’t sit too well with me at first, I thought of it as something I could cherish. It just showed me that I wasn’t a god. I was monster. I knew that. I knew that for a long time now. People just didn’t choose to be a peacekeeper unless they had some undying joy to cause people pain. People chose it because it was something that would possibly give their lives meaning. I chose it because of that after all. I was lost, but then I was found. However, now I felt like that was found, and becoming lost again.

I’m only human

While there was still hostility all around me, the other peacekeepers treated me like I was family here. When I got stabbed, they were quick to get me to an infirmary, they quickly acted to break up the fight that I was in the middle of and when I got out, they told me that the people involved would be dealt with severely. I didn’t question it, because that is what I would have wanted. I wasn’t out for blood, but I also understood that people who had rebellious streaks needed to be taken care of. While I didn’t pay much attention to the people that did break the law, I did notice that some of them had kids, and that was hard. No one was spared punishment in Panem, and while it might have been indirect, the children suffered more than the adults. The reaping’s sure, but there was also the case where the parents or guardians might have done something to break the law. That was when we had to step in and do something about it.

Sometimes I would try to get the kids away from their parents just so they didn’t have to watch what we might have done to them. However, it was rare. I couldn’t show emotions like that without attracting attention. I was getting on in my age, and I was yearning for children of my own. However, I knew what I signed up for, and I still had a while before I could even think about children and settling down. So I tried where I could to protect children from the harsh realities of the world. It didn’t happen often, or as often as I wanted. When others would notice what I was doing, they asked me why I cared, and I told them that while we didn’t have to care about other human beings, I did. I was a bleeding heart that didn’t understand that this was a world where you had to watch out for just yourself. When you showed compassion to others, that was a sign of weakness. But so be it.

And I crash and I break down

Sometimes I think about my family and what they are up too in two. Of course, it had been so long since I seen them that I think they wouldn’t even remember my face. I had done a lot of growing since I started my service, and I started to realize that my outlook on life has gone from being someone who could prove my worth, to someone who sees the reality of what the world is. I grew up because of being a peacekeeper. There were people that still needed protecting even though it was not my job to protect them. Long story short, I was worried about the people were left behind because of actions that were out of their control. In a sense, I left my family behind, and sometimes I wonder if they think that I died or something. Sometimes I think about how much different my life could have been if I had been reaped and died in the games. These thoughts sent me into a spiraling mess sometimes, because honestly, it was hard to fathom what my life could have been like if I had not found my way.

However, I was getting on in my age, and while I knew the rules and terms of my service, I knew that one day I did want to start a family of my own. I wanted the chance to have children that would call me dad and love me unconditionally. I wanted the chance to raise a family that stuck together through the hardest of times. Sometimes I thought of it as a fever dream, seeing as I probably wouldn’t be able to find the love I was looking for. Maybe that was why I put so much emphasis on protecting people that I didn’t even know. I couldn’t sit here and try to rationalize it because I still had about 7 years of service left. I had to keep myself in line. Or try to at the least.

Your words in my head, knives in my heart.

However, that didn’t mean that I wouldn’t find someone to love one day. I was a little shocked though that it came out of nowhere. You see, I was patrolling the waters of four, looking for anything out of the ordinary while the sun set. I wasn’t paying attention and had almost slipped into the water. Well, someone caught me before and while it was probably out of coincidence, I noticed that I had known the guy. He was in my training class. Of course, Karma had its own plans for me, and when I realized that maybe fate was coming to the party too, I asked him what he was doing here. He told me that he was just moved to four and that he was probably going to finish out the rest of his service here.

This man was probably one of the bravest people I had met, which might have been odd to think about because anyone that came from two would be considered brave. Or vicious. Just depended on who you talked too. When we were alone, he told me about how he came to the realization that he wanted to be a peacekeeper. We shared a similar background, except his father was retired from the service. Sometimes it comes to me when I was walking around the district, making my usual runs to make sure that everything was in order. (OOC: I honestly forgot what the scenario was going to be, so I will fill this in later if you don’t mind.

While I couldn’t act on anything, I knew that deep down, this was a person that I could see myself being around for quite a while. I didn’t ask him too many personal questions because I didn’t want to be intrusive. Good soliders fall in line anyway. Don’t ask questions, just do what you are told. I knew how to follow, and not lead anyway. However, there were days where I would get distracted. I would look at the water and think about his lips. I would come across my reflection and think about him holding me. One time I remember running into a tree because I was thinking about when I could actually see him again. It wasn’t like me to become so infatuated, but alas, I did, and I would hate myself for that.

Why? Because I still had about 2 years left in my service.

But that was fine, because I was only human.

listen to the song <3.