Anthem - Day 3 IC
Feb 25, 2018 13:04:30 GMT -5
Post by gamemaker kelsier on Feb 25, 2018 13:04:30 GMT -5
It isn't my turn today. Instead I sit in my office, eyes on the wall beside me where in real time, children slay each other in cold blood. I watch, mystified as their blood spills across the white snow and when I shut my eyes, I'm lying on the ground, the heavy weight of a body on top of mine, ears ringing. I smell their blood in the air, thick and terrifying.
I remember what it was like to think I was dying, nearly ten years ago now but I remember. I remember what it was like to lose everything.
A knock comes at my door, loud and angry. It's been doing that every twelve hours or so. I know it isn't one of my fellow Gamemakers, both come equipped with a delicate knock. I can hear the voice of my son on the other side, the anger in his tone, the fear and I would get up to open the door if I could but I cannot, I am glued to the chair, eyes glued to the screen.
I cannot look away.
I stay silent, listening to the knocking finish, a small sigh of relief falling away when I hear his retreat. I can't look at him, I can't talk to him right now as I watch children slay each other. I don't want him to see the thing that I've become, the monster that lurks here. It was my duty to protect the citizens of Panem for two long years and now it is my duty to kill them in entertainment for the Capitol.
We are sickening, an illness.
I move to my couch and the wall follows me. I see it all, I cannot look away. Demelza fighting for her life only to be taken by the trap left by Caine. My heart aches for her and I watch too long, eyes focused on her still, silent form. I think of Andrew still, his body on mine to protect me from the bomb, the way he was so heavy because he couldn't protect me anymore. He was smothering me in death, keeping me safe still.
I never told Achilles about Andrew and Brennan, about how when he asks why I don't settle down, I can't tell him that I have too many times. I can't tell him that when I found Apollo dead in his office I considered for the briefest of moments, taking the gun from his cold fingers and shooting myself in the head as well.
I have considered death so often, so much more so in the past few days.
I watch the tributes into the night as they sleep and then when the sun begins to creep up, when Bigfoot begins to start his daily travel, I leave my office, headed for the control room, headed off to wrap my hands around a controller and use it to kill one of the children inside.
I count districts under my breath.
When I hit the door to the control room, I have the tribute I will aim to kill first.
I shut my eyes against the chill.
I remember what it was like to think I was dying, nearly ten years ago now but I remember. I remember what it was like to lose everything.
A knock comes at my door, loud and angry. It's been doing that every twelve hours or so. I know it isn't one of my fellow Gamemakers, both come equipped with a delicate knock. I can hear the voice of my son on the other side, the anger in his tone, the fear and I would get up to open the door if I could but I cannot, I am glued to the chair, eyes glued to the screen.
I cannot look away.
I stay silent, listening to the knocking finish, a small sigh of relief falling away when I hear his retreat. I can't look at him, I can't talk to him right now as I watch children slay each other. I don't want him to see the thing that I've become, the monster that lurks here. It was my duty to protect the citizens of Panem for two long years and now it is my duty to kill them in entertainment for the Capitol.
We are sickening, an illness.
I move to my couch and the wall follows me. I see it all, I cannot look away. Demelza fighting for her life only to be taken by the trap left by Caine. My heart aches for her and I watch too long, eyes focused on her still, silent form. I think of Andrew still, his body on mine to protect me from the bomb, the way he was so heavy because he couldn't protect me anymore. He was smothering me in death, keeping me safe still.
I never told Achilles about Andrew and Brennan, about how when he asks why I don't settle down, I can't tell him that I have too many times. I can't tell him that when I found Apollo dead in his office I considered for the briefest of moments, taking the gun from his cold fingers and shooting myself in the head as well.
I have considered death so often, so much more so in the past few days.
I watch the tributes into the night as they sleep and then when the sun begins to creep up, when Bigfoot begins to start his daily travel, I leave my office, headed for the control room, headed off to wrap my hands around a controller and use it to kill one of the children inside.
I count districts under my breath.
When I hit the door to the control room, I have the tribute I will aim to kill first.
I shut my eyes against the chill.
