Victory's Lament [VT/alex]

Another game finished. Every year it's the same motions over and over. Names are called, and I venture from the district to the Capitol where I'm forced to mentor two children. It's hard to believe how long it's been since my name was drawn from that bowl. It's hard to believe that I'm even standing here as a victor. Katelyn and Kirito helped me a lot, and yet I don't know what to do anymore. Kirito is mayor. He has his own way of healing, but Kate is nowhere to be found. I've searched and searched, and it kills me that I can't find her. But I can understand. She was always so strong, and sometimes running is the only way to find the answers we're looking for.

But now I stand on the stage looking at the families of those who're mourning for Mercy and Gabriel. The Izar's have had rough luck over the years. I can't remember how many of them have died, but it doesn't make any difference. I will never understand why anyone would volunteer for something as stupid as this. Tamron volunteered, and now the only way I'll ever see him again is by passing on. A heavy sigh leaves my lips as I pull my tie tighter on my button up shirt. Stella is coming to the district today. She's going to give a speech, probably the same speech I gave seven years ago. I've stopped paying attention to the words now because it's just robotic going through the motions.

Even as the train pulls in, I stay standing on the stage. Clapping isn't worth it anymore because there's no victory at all. It hurts. I've lost two of my own since I came home from the games. Weaver was reaped, but Tamron volunteered. Crusader died three years before my name was called. But it's the cost of winning. I think of all the other victor's who've had brothers and sisters die in the games. Winning isn't something to brag about. It's not something to take joy in. Yes, I'm alive. Yes, I have a family. Yes, I'm capable of growing old, but sometimes I wonder if it's truly worth it.

My eyes drop to the ground as I walk back into the justice building where I'll wait for Stella. I have something to show her. Something that I want her to understand. I'm not sure if she's seen the outcome of it all. I'm not sure if she'll ever understand what it's like watching people she cares for going into the games. I want to show her the price of winning, and the fear that always registers through my mind. I worry about my children because it's just a few more years before Snow has the chance to steal them away.

I take a deep breath, and after she finishes, I slowly make my way over towards her. I try to put a smile on my face. I try to pretend to be happy, but the happiness has long left. I clasp my hands together, and I look around making sure nobody else is here. I have something to do. Something to say. Maybe she'll take it. Maybe she won't, but I want to try. I want to show her where my brothers rest now. I take another slow breath before exhaling a few words I only hope she hears. "I wanted to show you something. If you have the time to spare."