star light star bright {elegant}

a n d ú r i l .

"you won’t sleep
until you
sign on
the dotted line"

”Do you think that there’s a force field on the roof?” I ask the same Avox girl I’d befriended earlier.

”I bet people try to jump off all of the time.”

Seems that you really can get absolutely anything you want here because all I had to do is ask my escort and the next morning there were buds sitting on my bathroom counter, placed neatly beside the grinder I’d brought with me from Four.

I roll a joint as I learn beside the girl, licking the paper gently.

”I’d show you four if I could, you know.”

But we both know this friendship is forced, we both know it ends when I leave. Despite the fact that she probably doesn’t care for me, I’m glad there’s someone to talk to in here. Someone like me somehow. Vastly different, but the same, trapped and rotten on the inside. Maybe.

”See ya.”

I get in the elevator and take it to the roof, pressing all the buttons lazily when I step out. I’m not trying to be an asshole, I just don’t want anyone knowing where I’ve gone. It’s force of habit to hide myself after years of bullying, I don’t even recognize it anymore when I’m doing it. I think about Violet, telling me to show some goddamned emotion for once. He couldn’t read that I was shocked that he said that. I thought I’d been loving him pretty openly.

I light the joint carefully in the wind, sucking in the smoke like oxygen and exhale relief, all of the anxieties and and thoughts I’d been stowing away these past couple days burning up with each drag. I’d never meant to self-medicate, it’d all just kind of happened.

The edge of the roof beckons me and I can see the city’s lights burning just over the ledge. I go to it and swing a leg over, peering into a long drop. Vehicles move quickly below and the city is still so awake for the evening. Would they even stop and notice the tribute from Four landing with a splat on the cement so far below?

Would I even stay in one piece for that?

Would it hurt?

I swing my other leg over and stuff my hands into my pockets, cold calculations working their way through my head.

If Violet were here, he’d wrap his stupid big arms around me from behind and tug me back gently, soft words in my ear and so fucking safe.

I miss him.

I drop ash over the ledge and watch it soar away in the wind. I scoot forward slightly, reactions on my ledge. One little shove from behind and I’d be a goner, assuming there’s nothing in place to catch my fall. I can’t decide if I want to test it or not, if it’s worth it.

I stand up slowly, balancing carefully, toes over the edge.

Do I dare?