I. She Is [Open]
Dec 7, 2018 17:30:48 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2018 17:30:48 GMT -5
Quest Hertz
Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
The emptiness was infinite.
I was right – nothing to hold onto, not gravity. Just an emptiness that stretches on to the horizon.
I half expected to see Wilfred smiling his stupid smile when the world went cloudy, and then dark. I choked on my own blood, my lungs screaming as though they set fire like kindling. Whatever words crept from Shy’s lips muffled to echoes. Carmen’s whispers hisses of steam, then hollow. A bitter darkness that crept around me, through my toes and up to my fingertips. Life extinguished and exchanged for the eternal emptiness.
And I hovered in the in-between, blank and empty as though there was nothing but everything, a blink of an eye that stretched on past eternity and back again – again, again – there’s darkness coming for me and I think it’s bad, the world spinning around me. I’m supposed to not be or be nothing, except I’m still here, oh my god I’m still here and I can see everything and I wonder about all the times that I was supposed to be, to be a better person, to be the person that the world wanted me to be; to be or not I’m sure I was supposed to be someone, I was supposed to be someone that they didn’t forget except I hate them, I hate – I hate that I’m a part of this at all, I hate that I hate that I hate the world is just another place to keep us down, that I’ll never know what I was supposed to be because I chose to be nothing, I chose that death was better because it was just empty without him, without a chance for me to live on the way that I wanted to live, I wanted to live I wanted I wanted I wanted I –
There’s a light – oh my god there’s a light and I was wrong and there’s someone, something going to take me out of here, there’s a good place or a bad place or something oh fuck I was wrong how could I be wrong well of course I was wrong, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck –
It burns, oh god it burns and I want it to stop, I’m so tired, I’m so tired why does it feel like the world shrinking, the horizon of gray and black getting closer and turning to light, please oh – please it hurts, why does it hurt? Am I going to the bad place? Is that even a question, Quest? Is it even a question that I decided to live like I wanted to live and been so selfish, no sort of sacrifice was going to save me. I had wasted the biggest gift of all, in this universe – that I meant to die, that I meant to die and throw myself away, even if it was for a higher purpose that wasn’t going to save me from whatever sort of judgement that was making me ache all over!
Well fuck if I have to be judged by whoever the hell thinks they have the right to do that, what did they know?
A beeping. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep beep beep. Even my ear drums threaten to burst, the pain is all through my body and I don’t understand, I don’t understand why eternal torture has to –
“Can you hear me? Very good. You’ve been unconscious since you fell in the arena…”
Her voice is high and garbled, and I finally open my eyes, and take in a deep breath, eliminating the embers burning my chest. The room is bright and as happy as the hospital my father worked in; concrete walls and overhead lights that wash away the world from me. And everything is mixed up – even her voice explaining that the world has not ended, and the first thing that I think is, am I dead and this is just purgatory? It can’t be that they would just put us through torture to keep us here. The beeping of the heart monitor is my hymn; I can only choke out a rasp at the end of her speech. I want to reach a hand to slap her but – my limbs are still lead, and all I manage is a weak lifting of my hand.
I’m covered in a gown and plugged with an IV, but I can still see my body is as delicate as a china doll. Stitches here and there, globs of gauze and bandages there. It’s got to be a fucking joke, a sick joke that I’m alive at all, that I’m still here.
How does the girl that meant to kill herself get a second chance to live?
*Be Still by The Killers
I was right – nothing to hold onto, not gravity. Just an emptiness that stretches on to the horizon.
I half expected to see Wilfred smiling his stupid smile when the world went cloudy, and then dark. I choked on my own blood, my lungs screaming as though they set fire like kindling. Whatever words crept from Shy’s lips muffled to echoes. Carmen’s whispers hisses of steam, then hollow. A bitter darkness that crept around me, through my toes and up to my fingertips. Life extinguished and exchanged for the eternal emptiness.
And I hovered in the in-between, blank and empty as though there was nothing but everything, a blink of an eye that stretched on past eternity and back again – again, again – there’s darkness coming for me and I think it’s bad, the world spinning around me. I’m supposed to not be or be nothing, except I’m still here, oh my god I’m still here and I can see everything and I wonder about all the times that I was supposed to be, to be a better person, to be the person that the world wanted me to be; to be or not I’m sure I was supposed to be someone, I was supposed to be someone that they didn’t forget except I hate them, I hate – I hate that I’m a part of this at all, I hate that I hate that I hate the world is just another place to keep us down, that I’ll never know what I was supposed to be because I chose to be nothing, I chose that death was better because it was just empty without him, without a chance for me to live on the way that I wanted to live, I wanted to live I wanted I wanted I wanted I –
There’s a light – oh my god there’s a light and I was wrong and there’s someone, something going to take me out of here, there’s a good place or a bad place or something oh fuck I was wrong how could I be wrong well of course I was wrong, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck –
It burns, oh god it burns and I want it to stop, I’m so tired, I’m so tired why does it feel like the world shrinking, the horizon of gray and black getting closer and turning to light, please oh – please it hurts, why does it hurt? Am I going to the bad place? Is that even a question, Quest? Is it even a question that I decided to live like I wanted to live and been so selfish, no sort of sacrifice was going to save me. I had wasted the biggest gift of all, in this universe – that I meant to die, that I meant to die and throw myself away, even if it was for a higher purpose that wasn’t going to save me from whatever sort of judgement that was making me ache all over!
Well fuck if I have to be judged by whoever the hell thinks they have the right to do that, what did they know?
A beeping. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep beep beep. Even my ear drums threaten to burst, the pain is all through my body and I don’t understand, I don’t understand why eternal torture has to –
“Can you hear me? Very good. You’ve been unconscious since you fell in the arena…”
Her voice is high and garbled, and I finally open my eyes, and take in a deep breath, eliminating the embers burning my chest. The room is bright and as happy as the hospital my father worked in; concrete walls and overhead lights that wash away the world from me. And everything is mixed up – even her voice explaining that the world has not ended, and the first thing that I think is, am I dead and this is just purgatory? It can’t be that they would just put us through torture to keep us here. The beeping of the heart monitor is my hymn; I can only choke out a rasp at the end of her speech. I want to reach a hand to slap her but – my limbs are still lead, and all I manage is a weak lifting of my hand.
I’m covered in a gown and plugged with an IV, but I can still see my body is as delicate as a china doll. Stitches here and there, globs of gauze and bandages there. It’s got to be a fucking joke, a sick joke that I’m alive at all, that I’m still here.
How does the girl that meant to kill herself get a second chance to live?
*Be Still by The Killers
