The Mirror's Edge // Kate/Annie

She doesn’t know how to feel anymore. The victory tour passed, but that did not mean that she was not wanted in the capitol regularly.

She knew once the next games were afoot, she would find some sort of peace. She yearned for it at this point, but she would never say that out loud, because she never knew who was listening.

She had to be careful after all, less she wanted to be the target of someone that she didn’t even know.

---

She would never understand what the allure of being a victor was. The money, the fame, the notoriety? None of it made sense to her, and maybe that was because she didn’t think of herself in that way. She was a just a girl, who wanted to go home. Who wanted to come back to her cousin and save him from being subjected to his fathers sick games.

She was lucky, no matter how she wanted to look at it, that Angel Mer could never go in the games, bar that a quell twist be imposed on him randomly.

She wasn’t ready for it, she never would be.

She just had to keep holding onto the hope that the people she loved would never have to go through what she had went through months ago.

---

And people called her lucky.

Or they called her a snake, it just depended on who you talked too.

Annie would look at anyone that called her names and tell them one hundred times that she was just a girl. That she wanted nothing from winning the games. No fame. No glory. Just a chance to be free from the life that she was unfortunately born into.

And while that never really worked, it gave Annie piece of mind, which to her, was so much more important that anything that the capitol could offer her. She knew that times were going to be hard for an indeterminate amount of time, but she could at least try to hold onto her place in reality while everything passed around her. Whatever gave her a chance to just live. For herself, and no one else.

She had to remember that she had Wander, and she had Angel, and she had so many other people that she could lean on. They were all train rides away, and she was always able to access them because that is something she earned.

The chance to see them all when she wanted too. She didn’t have to wait on the capitol, she didn’t need approval from the man that could take it all away from her.

She just needed to say the word and she would be transported there as fast as she could, and that idea, gave her enough hope to float.

---

The Captiol would never feel like home, but she was called there more times than she wanted to be.

The moment she got off the train she wanted to turn around and head home. They told her that she needed to see whatever they wanted them to see, but Annie didn’t want.

She didn’t want to be fed anymore bullshit from the capitol for a little while. She knew once the next reaping on the horizon, she would be facing whatever hell they offered her. She just wanted a little serenity till then.

But there she was, standing on the platform waiting for her escort to take her to wherever they wanted her to go, because she knew that if she didn’t, there would be a chance that she could be punished. She might have earned the title of victor, but that did not mean that she was free. If anything, it meant that she was owned by the capitol now, and instead of finding a way out to her horrible life, she now graduated to something even worse.

But she pushed those thoughts out of her mind for now, because she needed to have some sort of decorum while she was being shown around the capitol. At least, that is what she told herself as the escort introduced themselves and made a motion to walk in front of them. Annie followed, but she didn’t want too. If she was here, she wanted to break away and relax at any of the local restaurants. Anywhere with alcohol would have done, even though she knew that she would have to moderate herself. She was too young to take up an addiction like that. Not yet at the least.

At least, those are the words that Leon mentioned to her as she poured her first glass in front of him.

Little did he know that she had already finished a myriad of bottles before she even thought of drinking a glass in front of him.

It had become her comfort, and soon, it would become her vice.

She would deal with it when she was ready.

---

She looked forward, realizing that they were taking her to the museum that had popped up during what she was told, was the 79th. She hadn’t even thought about being there, because no one from the 80th had died, so none of them would be in the system.

At least, that is what she thought.

However, the escort was very quick to reveal that they had just added digitized versions of all the tributes from the 80th games. Which shouldn’t have shocked Annie as much as it did. After all, they all did die for a hot minute.

Annie wasn’t sure how long each one of them were dead for actually, but it had to have been long enough for each of them to struggle with the reality that they were still alive. At least, that is how Annie would have reacted to it.

But she was lucky. She was the one who fought the hardest. The one that would have come out regardless.

She struck down three, but they didn’t stay down.

Which she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

And only time would tell.

---

She sat on one of the benches as she watched a couple patrons set up simulations between past tributes, the one her eyes were caught on was the one between Bella Rose and Raven Sayer. Two tributes from the 78th that both perished in a fight that could have gone either way.

Annie could remember that fight vividly, and she knew that Bella had a pretty strong following once she had killed the boy from one.

Watching her be struck down by the boy from seven was hard for even her, but that was in the past.

They would never come back.

She wasn’t alone here, but she wished she was. She took a deep breath as she tried to push the idea of finding Dymas Nyx and trying to have a conversation with him.

She knew that Angel would have appreciated it, hell, she knew that he would have wanted to be in the room with him.

However, it would never really be him.

And that was a reality that they would have to face if they ever went down that road.

---

She heard a woman speak to her, and for once, Annie was a little surprised. She looked up to see a regal looking woman, that mentioned the words victor and easier.

Two words that Annie felt would never be spoken together.

Her head raised, ”How can you be so sure?” Annie spoke as she got a better glimpse of the woman who tried to comfort her when she didn’t ask for it. ”Are you a victor yourself?”

Annie hadn’t recognized the woman, but something about her aura screamed the same amount of pain that Annie had been through. And as much as others thought that she should have been absolved of such pain, that didn’t mean that Annie didn’t go through hell while she was in that arena.

That she wasn’t subjected to the terrors that any other victor would have been exposed too. The feeling of taking a life, the feeling of smiting someone down for the pure feeling of survival, the pain that came with taking a life that one did not deserve to take, or the unbridled joy one felt when they accomplished the horror they set out of accomplish.

The world would always feel like it was coming down on Annie, no matter what someone would say to her. And while it had only been six months since she walked away from the arena, those six months changed her for the worse, no matter what anyone else told her.

She became weaker as the days went on, and until she found a way to make peace with the fact that she deserved to be here, Annie would never be able to turn it into strength.

---

She introduced herself as Katelyn, and that’s when it started to slightly click into place. ”Katelyn Persimmon?” Annie spoke as she felt embarrassed to inquire about things that she did not know about. ”I apologize. I guess im just on edge.” Annie’s hand holding her forehead as she sighed. ”Anatalia. But you can just call me Annie please.” she spoke as she offered a hand towards her.

Annie wasn’t sure why her manners had gone out the window, but there she was, trying to save herself from the hell that she was obviously living in at this point. ”Is this place what I think it is?” Annie spoke as she watched more simulations pop up around them. Most of them seemed to be of tributes from the past who kept getting pitted against each other.

Annie wondered if she would have been here if she died as well.

The thought of that made her feel a little bit at ease, but stressed her out just as much.

Her hands clasping her arms on each side as she waited for some sort of explanation.

From Katelyn or anyone who was willing to offer it.

Annie wondered what kind of fate she had been handed the moment she walked out of that arena.

She was fresh from the fight, but torn to pieces from the inside. Her heart shattered like stain glassed windows that were cracked from the wood up. Nothing was perfect in its foundation, just like Annie. It was something that would probably plague her for years to come, and she wondered if she would ever forget the feeling of slicing into someones cheek.

That’s why she loved her knives, because they made it so she wouldn’t feel the carving of flesh between her hands. Blades would pierce skin but she would not know where they would land. They would give her that much piece of mind. And while she could aim them to hit wherever she wanted, the wind could carry them into the oblivion of someones body, and she would just have to watch them die. She wouldn’t have to physically feel them cave around her hands.

But she wasn’t lucky in that way.

She would have to remember the way she swung that sword, the way it cut clean through Bette’s cheek right up to her eye. The way it felt when she collapsed from it, and Annie held the sword close to her body. The moment she threw it down and looked out towards the sun. The scene of her bloody body eclipsing the ground below her. The shadow that she would leave behind.

None of made her feel any better.

The thought of it made her want to run and hide. Cower in fear in the darkest corners of her mind, because the memory would live on forever. It would be replayed for years to come, because Annie knew that her games would be one that would be re-watched again and again. Even when the next games started, people would still be talking about the girl from four who almost died in the bloodbath and then came back to snatch the crown from people that the capitol loved just as much as they loved her. It was a sickening thought, one that would plague her for a while, but not one that she couldn’t push into the back of her mind, one that she could put on mute after a while when the noise got to be too much for her. One that she could overlap with the thought of all the tributes coming back alive with a blink of an eye.

Annie had a lot of things racking through her mind, and none of them were helping her calm down. Nothing was bringing her back to the reality that she now lived in.

For once, she was thankful for that.

Even though her dreams were somewhere she never wanted to be either.

She didn’t know how to dream anymore.

---

The woman spoke, Katelyn Persimmon, someone that Annie could barely remember until the moment she laid eyes on her.

Her beauty was undeniable, but maybe that was because she knew what it was like to go through what Annie had gone through. It had been clear that she had found a way to compartmentalize what she had gone though, and while Annie wanted to find any way for her to do the same thing, she knew that it would take years for her to even think about forgetting.

However, maybe that was what she didn’t do. There was no power in leaving the past behind her, she knew that much, and now she was in a place where that memory could be replayed for her over and over again.

She was still shocked that they had all the tributes likenesses in front of her, even though she knew that they were all alive and very well for the most part.

Whatever very well meant to them.

”You might know what I am going through, but our games were very different. You must know that.” Annie spoke clearly, not sure how she got into a defensive position when the woman in front of her had been nothing but kind to her so far.

Maybe it was because she didn’t know what to expect walking into this museum. She didn’t know how to react in a normal way, and that in turn made her extremely defensive. It was like she was reliving the games over and over again, even though the danger was much lower now that she was not in an arena, but that did not mean that she wasn’t in a warzone. That warzone was her life, and she had to find a way to duck and cover.

And maybe that was why she wasn’t being so receptive to the woman’s condolences.

---

She had to try though, she knew that. She took a deep breath as she tried to straighten herself out. ”Im sorry, that was uncalled for.” her hand came up to her forehead as she shook it and thought about what she was doing. ”You do know what I am going through. I need to remember that.” She spoke honestly, trying to give this the chance that it deserved.

A chance was what it was worth, and she knew that.

She watched as Katelyn explained what this place was. Annie knew surface level, and at the sight level, she could tell what was going on with the others that were selecting tributes from what looked like a drop down screen. The could relive every moment like it happened yesterday, and for Annie, she wished she could burn this place down. She hated the thought of such a thing existing, but she didn’t put it past the capitol. Anything to live in the relevance that could bring them pure entertainment. Annie was sure that someone would have pulled up her profile, and while she was alive and well, they would want to pit her up against other victors and see who would win in those fights. It was probably the closest they would get to a victor games, and that thought knocked the wind out of her.

But she wouldn’t dare speak it less the capitol get a wise idea to bring all the victors back for a games that would shake the very core of panem to the ground.

”Should I even want to see what this is like?” Annie said, as she watched Katelyn turn around and hit a couple buttons. Before she knew it, a hand was on her shoulder and then Katelyn was already tapping on buttons faster than anyone else. ”You must come here a lot.” Annie spoke as her hands covered her arms again, worried that what she was going to see would either scare her from ever wanting to come back to this place, or interest her enough to bring her back again and again.

She watched as a sim popped up of the cornucopia with 24 tributes, and then it passed through quickly, showing each day as the deaths piled up.

This was an allegory of death and destruction, all under the guise of remembrance and desperation. The ability to relive it again and again made Annie’s stomach do somersaults. She had no clue how to even approach something like this, but Katelyn seemed to have all the answers. Or at least, that was what Annie thought as she watched a virtual version of Katelyn killing others in order to make it out of the arena. ”My father was starting to abuse me around this time. My mother was the one to try to shield me from it. He made me watch this games almost religiously.” Annie said slowly as she watched it all unfold in front of her again. ”All he wanted was to be a parent of a victor, seeing as his time passed. ” Annie looked away for a moment. ”He got what he wanted, at the cost of our relationship, but luckily I let go of that so long ago.” Annie spoke as the simulation showed the finale in front of them. However, it was cut short by Katelyn, and Annie could not blame her.

Annie took a moment to adjust her eyes to the hologram that appeared in front of them. She announced herself as Margaret Dubois, and Annie knew enough about her to know what she was going to say next. Her father made it a point for her to remember the finales that happened over the last ten years. Annie didn’t need to hear an explanation to remember that it was close. Annie didn’t know how to explain her disdain for this technology, but she could tell that it was useful to an extent. She would never have to use it, at least, that is what she told herself. She wouldn’t want too, because remembering the horrible things that she had gone through was something that she didn’t need a simulation to help her with. No. They were ingrained into her mind, and she would re-live them every single time she closed her eyes.

”I did the same thing Katelyn, except I did know what I have to do in order to survive.” Annie said, responding to the words that she mentioned ever so eloquently. ”I knew how to use my weapons, where to strike to deal the most damage. How to kill…” she spoke before the girl from seven appeared and spoke words that Annie already known. She witnessed them after all. ”You both took such a beating the day before the finale. Death was bound to happen.” Annie took a deep breath as she listened to Margaret mention what had happened during the finale of the 69th. Annie looked away again, realizing that she could have very well been one of these things. However, she found a way out. She fought her way out of her arena, and while the quell twist would have given her life back, it would have ended it in her reality. Because her father would have found a way to end it.

Failure was never an option for Anatalia Morrisen, and that would have been etched onto her grave stone, by her father himself.

”Im not walking a fine line here Katelyn. I don’t know where I even belong in this world anymore. Sure, I won a games where everyone got to come back from the world of the dead…” Annie started as she realized that the simulation was turned off in front of her eyes. ”I was giving the gift of a clean slate that I did not want. I would have rather died then have to live with the weight of this on my shoulder.” Annie could feel tears streaming down her face. She wiped them away and took a deep breath. ”I don’t have to see people grieve, but that doesn’t mean that people don’t remember what I did. Itll live here in infamy. Even though the tributes got their lives back, their families still hate me Katelyn, and I don’t know if I will ever get over that.” Annie turned around for a moment, shaking her head and realizing that she might have been over exaggerating. ”I want to forget that any of this happen.” She knew that would never happen.

Death would be engraved into her mind until the day she died.

”I killed Angel De Costa. I killed Denali Lyons. I killed Bette Sublino.” She spoke outloud of everyone to hear. ”They might be living now, but I killed a part of them in the arena. I stole that innocence from them.” Annie could barely stand at this point, but she did, because collapsing from the amount of stress she was feeling was not something that she wanted to do. ”I have to live with that for the rest of my life Katelyn.” Now she knew she was being irrational but it felt right to her. ”Sorry, I need to calm down. Give me a moment.” She said softly as she closed her eyes and thought about the ocean back home. The salt flowing through her nostrils. ”I know you are trying to make me feel better Katelyn, but do I deserve that? Will I ever deserve that?” Annie spoke as she wiped more tears from here eyes. ”Im a survivor of something that I never wanted to survive in the first place Katelyn. ” She stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath before getting ready to speak her next piece. ”How can a survivor live when all they could think about is wanting to die of guilt every day?” Annie looked at Katelyn. ”Tell me how you did it. Give me that peace of mind. Any answers you have will be welcomed in my temple of bones Katelyn Persimmon.” Annie opened her arms to welcome any mention of a remedy to what she was feeling.

She knew that she was probably laying way to much on her, but from what Annie could tell, Katelyn had already lived a life full of sorrow, and therefore, she probably housed the answers that she needed. Annie need those answers, even though she knew that she probably wouldn’t accept them at first.

But hearing them would at least crack the surface to a long road that she was now walking.