Face My Fears {Carter/Jack Oneshot}

Get out of your head
the voices don't know what is best for you
in the pouring rain
I head the devil call me out

It's a rare day for there to be rain.

Not that it doesn't rain in Twelve, but sometime between losing everything and gaining everything, rain feels foreign to him. Like the water against his skin wasn't really there, but something he created in order to make him want to move. Only minutes ago, he had been on the train that took them home. Alone once again, until Dad was the one who waited for him after he talked with Aranica, Stella, Hellion, and others about meeting up another time.

Jaime Laws was made of something else. Not that Carter's not made of that same thing, but his father has never been the type for emotions, except happy and joking. That's why he didn't know how to approach him. On the edge of a cliff where his emotions lie, his dad hugged him tighter than he realized. Years since he's felt his own father grasp him this tightly. Almost as if the universe would collapse at his fingertips. Nothing could prepare him for the relief of his father's own sorrow and happiness unleashing in a unrelenting love that almost melts the pain of everything away.

The moment lasts longer than it was supposed to. Nothing able to break the moment of restlessness that vanishes in just a moment. Carter would be lying if he said he didn't miss them. He would be a liar if he didn't say he missed everything about his family, even the ugly bits. Tears seem to find their way to his eyes as he approaches the subject of his own mental torment for weeks. Aranica's voice filling his head once again as he doesn't stare into his father's eyes.

You have people who already do.

People who already believe he deserves that second chance. People who are in his corner when no one else would be. A sigh of something he couldn't name coming from his throat as he bleeds into his father's coat with tears of that longing to just be able to see his dad. The man who taught him how to shuffle a deck. The man who taught him how to walk. The man who helped him through his math courses when he struggled. Soaked from head to toe, they break apart and his father only gives him a small smile before speaking.

"Welcome home, son."

Simple, but carrying more than just that. A bond that doesn't deserve to have any words, until later, despite Carter's moody teenage behaviors since Mitchell's death. They had always been close. A small smile fills his lips, until that hollow pit fills his stomach once more. Regret of everything that he must had put his family through. Everything his father must have felt after seeing him die on the tar pit floors.

"I-I..."

A hand placed on his shoulder as they move through the crowd is all the steadying Carter needs to fill in his sentences.

"Sorry for choosing wrong, dad. I wish things could have been different, but it's gonna take time to process everything."

A one-armed hug and the umbrella over their heads is enough of a signal to know it means it's okay, but his father speaks and he can't hear it. The wrong ear and he can only catch a few words before he looks back at him and gives a frown before speaking.

"I uh... I couldn't quite hear that. Lost hearing in this ear and all. Say it again?"

A pause.

"Take all the time you need. We love you and we'll be here for whatever you need, Carter. We are just glad you're alive."

Alive. He should be glad, but Mitchell still lingers on his brain as they march home. Carter's actual home for once where decks wait. Where his own bed lies alone in a dead room. Where Gabriel's haunting face still resides. A second of terror in his eyes as he stops and his father stops too. Eyes questioning him if he's okay. No pity in them, but Carter feels it in his chest. A moment of letting himself bleed into the open world as one person comes to his mind again.

Home.

Where Jack lives.

Instead, Carter takes his moment to look to his father and give him the best fake smile he can give before he speaks.

"I-I need to visit Mitchell before going home, Dad."

A nod is all he needs before he runs in the direction of muddy streets and to the only green part of Twelve.

The graves stand in stone cold grey that mixes with the clouds above. The silence of the graves feels comforting, despite the weight of the names he now carries from each slab of stone that could have been in another world. Rain mixing with the flowers put down for others that he doesn't even dare look at. Upon the farthest corner of the graveyard where a small willow tree stands over the grave of Mitchell Laws, Carter Laws can be found.

The deck of destroyed cards in his hand, the rose gently in it's vase, and Ace in it's cage as Carter sets all three down for a moment and just stares. Staring into an oblivion of his own emotions before coming back out into nothingness. Fingers running against the stone slab as he reads his brother's name over and over again. The pain still there, but different now.

"You'd think... You'd think I should be done with mourning you, but I can't help but feel different. I-I don't know if it's good or not, but I can still feel you. Your love, your happiness, and your comfort for me. I can still feel it, even when I was ready to die."

The silent chirp of Ace ringing in the background as he closes his eyes and waits.

"I'm sorry I couldn't live up to you, but I guess I was never meant to do that. I'm not ready to move on and I don't think I ever will be, but I want you to know, I miss you. I wish it were you here, you'd know what to do. You always did, but I guess that's part of this curse. Figuring out what to do on my own."

A shrug as he sits crossed leg in the wet grass talking to his deceased brother.

"I'm going to try to live. I hope you understand. You always told me I'd be special, but I never thought this is how it would be."

A choked up Carter as he lets himself wander off in his own head. That feeling of Mitchell somewhere in the world, always with him. Not that he truly was, but that he felt like he was in some form. The deck of cards, getting wet finally pushes him to pocket it and wait for a moment longer at the grave. Only a few minutes pass before words seem to fly into the air effortless.

"You were always going to be special, Carter. Mitch and I talked about it way too much."

Almost as if something else entirely was there, the rain stopped into a light sprinkle of water as his eyes land on Jack. The cowardly adopted brother who broke his promise, but Carter felt guilt building up. Ready to burst at his seams with a waterworks apology as Jack comes next to him to look at the grave with him. An awkward silence filling the air around them for just a moment before Jack continues.

"Mitch never thought you'd be anything other than special. Told me himself that you'd be going places one day. Sure, I was jealous of the bond you both had, but the longer I lived with y'all. I saw it. I saw that recognition that Mitchell saw daily. I saw the way things were and you are always going to be our baby brother who is going to be something else entirely."

A pause for them both to breath in the tight air around them.

"I-I suck at apologies. Shouldn't have let them take you away. You're right. You were always right. I'm a coward. I was afraid of death and I still am. Almost died once as a kid, Mitch didn't tell you, but he once saved me from a fire. He's done so much for everyone that I will never live with myself ya know, but what makes everything worse is breaking his last wish. His love for you was stronger than anything else. It's why he said your name before he died, Car."

Carter can feel the guilt rising up in his throat as he clutches the cards tightly in his hands before he lets himself breath. Truly breath in the rain soaked air and give in to this guilt on his chest.

"Y-You aren't a coward. S-should have never said that. I was upset. I was scared. I lashed out. We all have fears of something and I wasn't scared to die. I was scared of what I would become. I was scared of losing myself and giving in to what people wanted and not what I wanted. I'm sorry I hurt you, Jack. I would take it back if I could. Mitch also cared about you. And that's what matters. I-I may not be ready to be normal again. You'll probably see some of the ugliest sides of me, but you deserve to know it's not you. It's never going to be you."

A pause.

"I-I've got a shit ton of stuff to deal with that no one is going to get and I hope you know that I do love you. Even if I don't seem like it. I've been so scared of this. Of talking about this, but someone close to me made me realize that this is what we're gonna need in order to figure out our shit. I may not think I deserve to be here, but you, dad, and everyone else might."

Fingers twiddle with the grass as he stares blankly ahead.

"And I don't know about you, but I'm tired of hating myself for something I can't control."

A moment is all he needs before Jack reaches over and breaks the wall that's separated them for years. A wall that seemed like it wouldn't crack, but through everything, this situation was fucked up. Fucked up so much that Carter can't help but let down the walls that he built between them. The anger of a fucked up situation and the frustration of this new one setting up a bond that neither of them will forget.

This was the start of a new beginning.

The rebirth of Carter Laws.

The rain continues to pour as two boys walk home together.

Tear soaked skin and a stronger bond, but this was not the end of all their struggles.

He still has to face his fears for the rest of his life.

He wasn't alone.

Not anymore.

I finally feel okay
in the pouring rain
you say 'leave from the fog
inside my head'

song: rain