I Will Not Fall, I Will Not Fade {Jayne/Carter JB}

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kap
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I Will Not Fall, I Will Not Fade {Jayne/Carter JB} Feb 9, 2019 20:11:09 GMT -5

Post by kap on Feb 9, 2019 20:11:09 GMT -5

"Now the dark begins to rise
Save your breath, it's far from over"

Telling myself that I was going to be okay was pretty much impossible to do if I wanted to believe it, but I tried anyway. I tried to assure myself that I wasn't going to be struck down like a pawn being sacrificed in a chess match so that some other piece could triumph. This attempt of assuring myself, however, was damn near futile. There was no way in Hell that I'd be able to convince myself I'd live. I wasn't Carter. I didn't have the Capitol letting me live after I should've died. This was the 81st Annual Hunger Games, not the 80th.

If I died, I was going to be gone forever. There was no bringing the dead back to life this time around. I just had to hope that it didn't get to the point where I needed to be brought back to life in order to survive. I just had to hope I could survive, regardless of what was thrown at me. Unfortunately, this was very doubtful.

As I was brought to the Justice Building by a pair of Peacekeepers, I tried to keep myself calm. I needed to keep my breathing steady and prevent my body from shaking. If I wasn't as visibly nervous, maybe I would be less actually nervous. I could at least hope that that was the case, right?

Each step closer to the Justice Building, I tried to take a calming breath.

Take a step, take a breath, take a step, take a breath, take a step, take a breath.

When we arrived at the room I was to be put in to say my goodbyes, though, my breathing went back to being a bit erratic again, not quite even and a little too quick. I took a seat on the plush sofa that was in the room and waited to see who would come to say goodbye, if anyone. Personally, I felt that if I was going to see anyone, I wanted to see Carter. He'd been through this before and he'd survived it. Maybe he would be able to tell me what to prepare myself for emotionally. He didn't win, however, so it wasn't like I could exactly take survival advice from him. I wish I could, though.

The doorknob started to turn a little bit, and I perked up, looking in the direction of the door to the room that I was in. It started to creak open and I stood up from my seat, just glad that I'd be able to see someone.

When the door opened the rest of the way, I saw that it was Carter. He was a much more important piece in Panem's game of chess than I was. Maybe talking to him could help me figure out how to be a bit more important, too.

"Carter..." I said. "I'm scared... I don't know what to expect, and it really scares me." I was trying to keep my voice calm, but that was far too difficult. I could tell that every word escaping my lips was said with a bit of a tremble.

Breathe, Jayne, breathe, I told myself. I took a deep breath, and looked at Carter.

What was I supposed to do now?

"Leave the lost and dead behind
Now's your chance to run for cover"

532 words
lyrics: "I Will Not Bow" by Breaking Benjamin

Tom
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I Will Not Fall, I Will Not Fade {Jayne/Carter JB} Feb 13, 2019 23:38:44 GMT -5

Post by Tom on Feb 13, 2019 23:38:44 GMT -5

The roses bloomed to life this year.

Blooming on the same day, a year ago, of the trigger of Carter Laws' nightmares.

Not that he wasn't getting better, but they still linger in his dreams. The heavy breath of a creature he can never run away from. Too slow. Too naive. Too much red. Nothing could predict why the roses bloomed on this day, except for ripred, but he knew that was too much to think about. Why make people suffer? A silence fills his ears and everything was fine. Breathing normal. Eyes glancing to Aranica and Stella in that way of knowing he could still get pulled, but he had been mentally prepared, at least as much as he could have been, but things change.

Instead of him, it's Jayne.

Jayne, who loved him and has been helping him in small ways around the Laws home. Kindness in her blood, but all of that would be gone. No more Jayne. No more Carter. No more coping life. A deep breath is all he can muster as he follows them to the Justice Building, close enough behind that he's able to see them. The pounding of his heart in his throat as the halls remind him of the fear in his bones. The sounds of marble floors and dusty bodies as they dirty the floor, but Twelve doesn't care.

You deserve this.

Thoughts colliding with his own insecurities.

You deserve to suffer, Carter.

As the hall ends with large wooden doors, careful eyes, and terrified bones, his hands shake forward on the edge of the knob. Cold metal to his fingertips as if the cold night he had spent in the arena came flashing back to him. Lars' smile. Max's eyes. Auto's confidence. The rose in his hand, cut from that same bush of orange roses created from an olive branch. Wander Sibley's words still in his head.

If only Wander could be here, ve would know what to do in this situation.

The knob clicked with the sound of cannon fire in his ear as he comes face to face with Jayne.

"Carter..." Fear. "I'm scared... I don't know what to expect, and it really scares me."

As if the world couldn't snap on him anymore, everything spins and he holds himself steady among the marble and wood. Eyes glance to her and then past her. Fear. Fear holds onto him still despite him surviving one of the two years left to his name. This was worse than his own name being called. At least he knew what to do, Jayne was fresh, new, and younger.

"Jayne...." Swallowing the lump of guilt in his throat before speaking again. "I...it's okay. I was scared too. Still am."

Flashes of blood at bloodbath and the howls of creatures in his one good ear. The hollowed static that never disappears filling his bones with that nervous energy before he grounds himself with the rose's petals.

"I.... I don't have much to tell you. There's no amount of preparation or advice that I can give you. Every single thing is not what you expect. I went in knowing death was around every corner. A single misstep could lead to your inevitable death."

Eyes glancing past as the memories flood back in.

"You have no control, except for your own head. Use it. Don't lose it." A pause. "There... There's no sugarcoating it, but you're gonna see some shit. Lots of bad shit. You'll have to do lots of bad shit. Just....Just don't lose yourself. You control yourself. Don't forget that."

The olive branch in his hand doesn't match to the piece of love he carries in his pocket. A silence in his chest as he stares blankly at her with those memories on his tongue. The way it felt to die among the stars and tar. The way it felt waking up to a dungeon of torture.

All he could do was be an answer to her questions, if he could answer them.

"I....I'm here for you. Ask anything you want, better to have it from a source than be stuck guessing."

Roses bloom.

Laws are doomed.

And he can't live with this.

Made by umber vivuus 12b 🥀 [dars]

kap
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I Will Not Fall, I Will Not Fade {Jayne/Carter JB} Feb 15, 2019 18:49:56 GMT -5

Post by kap on Feb 15, 2019 18:49:56 GMT -5

"Now the dark begins to rise
Save your breath, it's far from over"

Carter seemed just as lost as to how to reassure me as I was. The two of us had both sat in the Justice Building, saying our goodbyes. Except, this time, it wasn't he who was leaving, it was me. We didn't know he'd come back, but he'd been able to. That was the quell, though. He was guaranteed survival, even though we didn't know it. This time, though, we knew that I, Jayne Ashbrook-Laws, wasn't guaranteed survival. I could die in these Games, permanently.

"Jayne...." His voice trailed off a little bit. It made me wonder what thoughts were flowing through his head. "I...it's okay. I was scared too. Still am."

When Carter's words came to me, emerging from his lips, I could tell by the look in his eyes that I wasn't the only one who was scared. We were both full of fear right now, myself for my own death, and he for... well, I wasn't sure if he was scared for my sake, or for his own, having to watch it all unfold. I'd always been a pacifist. I wasn't the type who wanted to fight. I wasn't ready to fight.

"I.... I don't have much to tell you. There's no amount of preparation or advice that I can give you. Every single thing is not what you expect. I went in knowing death was around every corner. A single misstep could lead to your inevitable death." His eyes were moving across the room as he spoke, not usually settling on me for more than a few seconds at a time. Was he feeling... guilt? I didn't want him to feel guilty that this was happening to me. It wasn't his fault. If it was anyone's fault, come to think of it, it was mine.

Ripred was punishing me for my hatred toward Gabriel when he volunteered.

That had to be what it was.

The words that Carter spoke, though, broke my heart. I had barely had any hope for survival, and what he told me shattered most of it. I already knew that my chances of winning and coming back alive were slim, but now, I doubted it even more that I wouldn't die in that arena, whatever it may be this time around. I could be ripped apart by a mutt, annihilated by another tribute's blade, immolated by a fiery weapon's blaze, or any other number of things, and I wasn't ready for it.

The problem was, though, that I had to be ready for it.

I didn't have a choice.

"You have no control, except for your own head. Use it. Don't lose it." At least that was something. He was telling me not to lose my head, meaning not to get too far gone. Don't be rash. Don't do anything stupid if I can help it. That seemed to be what he wanted me to know right then.

"There... There's no sugarcoating it, but you're gonna see some shit. Lots of bad shit. You'll have to do lots of bad shit. Just....Just don't lose yourself. You control yourself. Don't forget that."

I nodded.

"I'll try," I told him. That was the most honest response that I could give to him. I would try, but I certainly didn't think that I'd make it. I didn't want to fight, but I wanted to live, and those two things certainly were conflicting when it came to the Hunger Games and a fight to the death in the arena that they were going to put me in with twenty-three other tributes. For all I knew, my District partner was already plotting ways to kill me.

It wouldn't be that hard, I was sure. I was only fifteen, and I was fragile.

"I....I'm here for you. Ask anything you want, better to have it from a source than be stuck guessing." He told me this, and I knew I could speak to him openly. I had to tell him what was running through my mind. I had to tell him what scared me most, and why I didn't know what to do to get through it. I had to ask him what I wanted to know.

"Carter... I... I don't like hurting people. How can I even get myself to fight?" I asked him, hoping he could tell me. I'd always been more of a pacifist than anything else, blaming myself for anything that went wrong in my life, rather than blaming others. Blaming others was something I hated to do. It just felt... wrong.

"I don't even know how to use a weapon. I know they'll train me, but I'm small and... I'm weak..." My body was shaking as I said these words to him. I started to choke up a bit, not quite sure how to form the words I wanted to speak to Carter. It took me a moment, but I took a deep breath before the speech I needed was able to emerge from my throat.

"I don't know how to kill someone or... how to hurt someone..."

"Leave the lost and dead behind
Now's your chance to run for cover"