on the eve // [kay]

It was well into the night before I gave up trying to sleep. I listened to Kahinta's breathing in the dark and trying not to think about what may happen in the morning.

Last year I was eighteen. I've died once I could have done it again. But now, as a nineteen year old, every fear I've ever had for my little sister has rushed to the forefront of my mind. I want to reach out and hold her close, but she is beyond such things now. She's touchy, older, and harder than when I left.

I feel softer, as if the games peeled back the bark I had grown over my heart and exposed it to the world. I can't seem to grow it back, not matter how hard I try. Everyone sees past the little shield I put up and suddenly I am naked before the entire district.

I throw on my coat and boots and step out into the fields. The cattle sleep like the dead, not like the restless humans lying in their homes tonight. Ansgar's gift stirs in my pocket, crawling out to perch on my shoulder and nuzzle against my neck. I run a finger of his head, carefully petting the small creature. He knows too much for a rat. He's just like Ansgar, quiet but knowing. But the night is too quiet now and I wish there was a storm, or even an alarm to breach the thick silence.

I'm on the round towards the square before I can think twice about it. My companion cuddles close to my neck as I walk past the dark ranches. I'd never consider venturing out like this before... before everything, but the dark seems like nothing compared to pain.

I reach the square and skirt around the perimeter. The pins have been set up, now they just await the children to fill them. Peacekeepers lean against store walls, their helmets resting on the ground or tucked under their arms. My heart still leaps into my throat at the sight of white, but seeing their faces makes it easier. One of them, a young man, catches my eye. I prepare for him to send me home, but he simply nods me on.

He knows who I am and everything about me, and knows exactly where I'm going.

It is closer to dawn than dusk when I knock on Mace Emberstatt's door. Momma would say it's rude to visit someone so late but the only people in the district who have the faintest idea of what is running through my head lives in this little village of victors.

And I am in desperate need of some understanding.