to love and to have lost [ryan's]

She felt the world slam into her. She woke up on a bed of amber, stone touching her skin as they looked at her with magnifying glasses and pulled thread through her skin as they told her to take deep breaths.

She didn’t know what was going on, or how she even got here.

The last thing she remembered was holding her spear as she pulled it from the only person that was standing in her way of going on.

She drifted back into unconsciousness and felt the presence of Death by her side, and instead of running from it, she embraced it, told it that it would have to wait for her just a little longer, that her parents would have to wait to see her again.

She knew that death would always been on her heels, but obviously she had done enough to make it this far. She couldn’t feel anything, but she knew things were going on as she drifted into blackness.

She reached out her hand, felt something grab it, but she did not awake. Instead, she floated through the darkness and found herself holding onto a ledge.

She knew what was there. Everything that she ever wanted. Happiness. An escape from the pain. A life that she could finally give her sister.

However, she needed to pull herself up.

And she couldn’t.

She felt like cement had been in her shoes, like the world was pulling her down, like she didn’t deserve any happiness.

And as she was about to let go, she felt something grab ahold of her. The fear of falling had taken over, and so when she was pulled above the ledge, she was surprised to see that it was death, but it’s energy was different.

That and he had the face of Caine Winchester.

"Just don't die on Ten, alright? I don't need to be carrying the weight of Ten alone."

The words left its mouth, and that’s when she realized that Caine still was with her, even if he wasn’t with them anymore. That even in death, he would always be with her in her heart. That even though he said that the moment they met again, they would be enemies.

The obvious difference was that Caine didn’t make it.

But Bella did.

”I’m happy we didn’t meet in the arena again Caine.” Bella said to him as he started to disappear, and all he did in response was smile. Before he could open his mouth, his face disappeared, and all she saw was death. She grimaced as it stepped aside and let her continue to the life that was waiting on that edge.

She stepped through a cloud of smoke, and when she woke, she was in a room covered with bandages.

---

Months had passed and she had been thriving.

Some days were exceptional, the time she was about to spend with her sister was insurmountable in her healing process. Marley had been the reason that she wanted to survive after all.

Bella Rose had to do what she did in order to come home to her, and she wouldn’t regret that.

She was quick to swoop up the other children that lived with her at the pound, each one grateful for the new life that Bella could provide to them. Each one had the potential to grow into something beautiful, and she didn’t think about the fact that they could be reaped.

She put that back in the depths of her mind, burying it under the trauma that she witnessed as she murdered other innocent children to take care of innocent children.

There was no way of justifying what she did, even in the most extreme cases, Bella Rose was a murderer. She stole happiness from others just to find her own, but she did not consider herself a thief. Just a girl who was willing to do what it took to preserve her own happiness.

As perverted as it was, she had to find a way to live with it.

---

She was plagued with nightmares every single night. Most of them revolving around her parents, or the thought of the other children being reaped into the games, especially Marley.

Sometimes she woke up screaming, clinging to the bedpost just to feel something in her hands, and uncontrollably sobbing.

Marley would come into the room those nights and talk her down, some nights finding her near the window, looking out at the district. Marley would pull her back to the bed and tuck her in, kissing her on the forehead and whispering to her that everything was going to be alright.

That nightmares didn’t exist.

But Bella knew better. They did.

They always would.

Because this was the life of a victor, and as much as Bella wanted to get used to it, she couldn’t bring herself to do so. Each corner felt like it had Death right next to it, and sometimes, it would visit her in her dreams.

By now people would think she would be used to death, that they would be old friends and ask each other how their days were. That Bella would be able to go over to its house and meet the family, enjoy a peaceful dinner where she wasn’t expected to do anything but just be.

But no.

That wasn’t possible, because Death didn’t want that.

Death wanted her.

Sometimes Caine came instead of Death, but it was never truly Caine, because Death was always up to something dastardly. It wanted her soul after all.

"Good. This may be the last time we can be allowed to be friends." He would say every time to her, and Bella felt cracks forming around her heart. ”We’ll always be friends Caine, even if you murdered me right now.” She would say to him, because that is what she would have told him if she had to chance all those months ago.

No matter what, Bella was always loyal.

Even if it killed her.

And Death knew it, Death counted on it being her undoing.

And so it waited.

And waited.

And waited.