AIVA PARISH — district 3 [finished]

I was never good at making friends. I like to think I'm quirky, but to everyone else I'm a big ball of anxiety and neuroticy. I mean, yes, I might ramble when I get nervous but that is because all the looks people give me are honestly intimidating. My dad used to tell me before he died that I'm perfect the way I am, he told me I should never change who I am. I lived by his words for most of my life until I experienced the world without his guidance. I used to make excuses why people didn't want to hang around me or why they didn't want to sit next to me. This one time, I tried to sit next to this girl and when I sat down, she got up and left. At the time I told myself that she was done, but I knew it wasn't true. She was still eating when she was leaving, so the only person I was lying too was myself. After not having the shoulder of my dad to lay on, I has to wake up and realize people did not like me the way I am. I think I'm pretty cool, I would love to be my friend, but nobody else thinks so.

It was pretty hard when my dad died. He was always the one to lift me up and he told me I was enough. He was not just my dad, he was my best friend, the only friend I could say that I had. When he got sick and passed, I couldn't fathom as a ten year old not talking to or seeing my dad again. For a while, I couldn't deal with it, it was hard not being able to curl up and cry and eat my feelings away all day long. I started chewing on my fingernails to get through the anxiety. I got better as the months went by, I slowly began to suck up the tears and accept the reality of my life. I tell myself that he would want me to still be my best self everyday, even if he wasn't here to support me along the way. So I studied my butt off and worked so hard to be the best person I could be. I tried the friends thing again, but it didn't work out very well. It ended up like the rest of my attempts, but for the first time since he died I was happy with myself.

I've always known that I'm not the prettiest girl in the district, but I don't care to be the prettiest person. Being pretty in the technology district will only get you so far, so here it might be more of a handicap than an asset. However, I still think I'm cute, not the type of cute that makes guys drop their pants, but I like the way I look. It would be nice if someone else liked me too. I'm a bit on the short side, only being 4'10, but I thought I overheard a group of guys saying that they fetish short girls or something like that. No one has tried to sex me up, so maybe I'm just not good enough for them, but I'm hopeful that their is someone out their who does like me for me.

My mom and I were never as close to each other as I was with my dad. I knew she loved me, but it was never a big thing between us. After we no longer had dad, mom just disappeared. She shut down and barely spoke to anyone anymore. She went to work and ate and slept, I felt sorry for her. Even thought I connected to my dad more, it was my mom that I took after. We both had long brown hair and the same wide hazel eyes. The most noticeable resemblance is we are both tiny. I will always love my mom, but I needed her in that year after dad died. I needed someone to help me through it, but the only person I had was myself.

People will always think I'm weird, my name will always be a name people say to laugh about, I will always want someone to like me, I will always be neurotic and anxious, but I do know that I'm a lot stronger than people think I am. I did not let people constantly rejecting me push me down, I had to realize that most people aren't going to like who I am, and I'm ok with that now. It'd be nice if someone was a friend, but like dad said, I know I'm enough. I will always doubt myself and then I will tell myself again that I am enough.