lydia fel. d11. fin.

It's not fair.

It's never been fair to be me, the young girl who isn't let in on everything because, and I quote from my own mother's words, you're too young, Lydia. In this house, I am nothing more than the youngest, the baby, and the last to know things. After everything we've been through, they treat me as if I am going to break at any sort of bad news. Youth means nothing to me. The words wouldn't hurt because Noah had already whispered it, earlier in the day when the sun was just rising about the horizon. Except, now, the world is a bit more gloomier than what I've known.

My words had tasted sour on my lips, the edges of my words laced with sorrow.

"He's dead, isn't he?"

A nod.

A death.

Tears.

I didn't cry when I found out, despite what any of my brothers or sister might say now. I didn't cry when Jacob died, it was just sweat. The day was hot. No one can blame me for that! Can't have anyone thinking I'm weak? Am I weak? No. No. I can't be weak, right? The room swirls around me, as if I were the eye of a hurricane, emotions tumbling across my cheeks. Air. I need air. Heavy breaths echo across my lips as the room spins in a circle. The blackness on the outer edges of my eyes begin swallowing me up, the room goes fuzzy as the break down comes. I can't hear. I can't see. I can only feel.

The feeling of the world closing in on itself fills my chest up and my breath is gone. I want to scream as loud as I can, but there's no one up, no one around. I can only feel. THe tears pouring down my cheeks, the heavy breath that doesn't escape my throat, and the heaviness sitting on my chest. My panic continues for what feels like hours, but must have been minutes as my voice breaks through the evening of the Fel home. Charlotte is the one to find me. The unpredictable nature of her sister, the worst possible one to help her, but she does.

I spend the next few minutes breathing with her, in for four, hold for four, out for four. Over and over we repeat this until my chest gives way, until my lungs fill with air, until my tears stop. Charlotte watches for a moment longer to make sure I'm okay before she leaves as abruptly as she had came in. The wind taking her back to whatever she had been doing. My heart clammers at the sight before I give a whiny sigh, shuffling across the room to wait by my desk for the inevitable panic of Noah or Elias. I can handle myself. I'm already eleven now. I can handle a panic attack or two.

Except, that's a lie.

I can't.

I know I can't.

Jacob's dead and I will never know why.

Morning comes with a loud crack of my door, still too creaky to have not woken me up. I've been meaning to let mom know it needed to be fixed. Noah stands there in the same way he always does, as if he were our hero or guide or whatever the hell else goes through his head. I stumble for a moment as I wipe the sleep away from the corners of my eyes and ignore his comforting stare. I brush past him with a groan of the day starting too early, mostly because of the panic attack that had kept me awake through the night.

I spend a moment staring in the mirror. My eyes are bloodshot from the lack of sleep. My hair looks like a mess of friz from the humid temperature of eleven. I stare at myself in the mirror for a little longer, letting the shadow of myself stay for a moment longer. There's signs of Jacob everywhere in this room. An extra item of everything that was his. I can almost remember brushing my teeth with him and my other siblings over the years here. My mother calls for me and I dread the family breakfast, knowing it's not gonna be the same. The chattiness of a family meal will never truly be the same without Jacob Fel.

Breakfast is a saddening sight as there's a clear spot missing at the table where Jacob used to sit. My brother who used to happily play doll massacres with me years ago. My brother who held me too long because I wanted to be tall like him. My brother who helped do my hair in the morning when we were late for school. There's no more kindness in that seat anymore. I will never get to tell him I love him one last time. All that's left is the memory and all I want is for him to come back, but the games weren't fair like that.

Instead, a girl closer to my age will be coming home with a crown atop of her head.

I already know.

I'm not going to like her.