Free. [Nell's Death]

When I wake she is like ice. The arm I pulled around me is still there. Tucked behind my back. I shiver. Rub a hand down her side. “Mom?” She doesn’t move. I rub harder. “Mom!” Hands become frantic, reaching for her shoulder and sitting up. I shake her and an eye rolls loosely toward me.

Her head tilts. Bangs fall into her face. I am locked on her eye. “Mom,” I say, lowering my head to her chest. Cheek presses into collar bone. Hand hooks around her shoulder. She twitches, an arm slapping my face and her head falling away from mine. Startled, I lurch back and blink. “M-mom?”

“Kill me,” she says, low and alien, “please.” Her voice is lightyears away, a flicker of a sound that stems from deep space, not from my mother. “Please,” she cracks, “don’t hold it against me.” The sun bursts and every star stops shining. Heat drains from my marrow.

My father comes in and we are bathed in blood. I hold tight around her body. She is so, so cold. But I am colder.

-

Eyes bulge when Red’s blade pierces my chest. Jaw hangs by the hinge, and I know.

There is warmth. There is so much warmth rushing over me, down from my chest and onto the floor. She withdraws the glow, removes the starlight from my heart, and I fall back. My head bounces against the floor - the ceiling. Eyes roll. Loose.

I miss her. I think I’ll see her soon.

-

I press my knees into my chest and bury my face. Adessia sits across the room. “Can I… be alone?” She flattens her mouth, rolling lips between teeth before smiling. Her cheeks are high, but not rosy. She leaves slowly.

"The fool is not always bad. It is rashness and thoughtlessness yes, but also pleasure, passion and endless possibilities. Fools have options." Kass’s voice repeats. I thought I was the knife, but I’m not. My options don’t include sharp. Don’t include lethal. I am rash. I am thoughtless. Yet I am full of thoughts I shouldn’t have. I reach beside me for vodka and I swallow hard, wishing for another option like the stars above weren’t dead already.

"The tower is change, sudden and sometimes dangerous. It means you will have to abandon your past to seek out your new opportunities. Are attached to your past? Or are you willing to let go?"

I am.

-

She’s asking if there’s anything of mine to take, but she’s fuzzy and fading fast. I’m spinning, my own night sky lit up in front of her face. The ground / ceiling is cold, but I am warm, I am so warm. My fingers fidget till Elite’s ring rolls off. Head falls to the side. Spent.

I am dying.

I am.

-

I watch the sky atop the airlock, stroking a torn Nakom wing and hoping. Dusty and Sky have drifted off, their light snores melting away the frost from my heart. I start to smile but knick my thumb, drawing it to my mouth. Instead I smear blood on my helmet and laugh.

Taking the helmet off, I suck the remaining blood, drag my teeth across the cut. I am more. I am sudden, and sometimes dangerous, but I am more.

-

I sit up with a gasp, but blood pools in my throat and weighs me down. I cough, and take a deep, painful breath. My chest heaves, stomach quivers. Head falls to the left, and I can see the light of my watch screen faintly glowing. I want to thank Kass, but I have no hand to type.

(“Voice to text: Thank you Kass, you rock. Space rock. P.S. Don’t trust Red, she is a bitch!”

“Thank you cats soup rock spay ciroc. PMS Don’t trust Red, she is a bench.”)

Instead I wish on all the stars, just born and barely even shining. For Dusty, and for Mom, and for Kass. I can’t see now, and the darkness is everywhere, but I am not cold. I take my last breath and know I’m no longer alone.

Lyrics from Spaceships by Kesha