Leo Starcrest D3 {done}

Leo Starcrest
Seventeen
District Three
Twin to Corvus
Non-Binary
{will enter reaping as male}

At a young age, I knew I was different. I liked going outside and getting dirty and playing in the mud without a care in the world, but other days I wanted to stay inside and play dress up and have tea parties with my favorite stuffed animals. I never fit in at school. A lot of the boys were too masculine while a lot of the girls were too feminine for me. I never found an in between, but I tried so many times. I tried going through life fitting the social norms, but as I grew older, it became harder, and even to this day, I'm still unsure of where to turn. I have many questions I want to ask, yet nobody seems to know the answers. It's made my life hard, but I feel like it's only the beginning.

Sometimes I am trapped, locked away within the walls of my mind unsure of what I am doing. People laugh at me, taunt me, they tell me I'm not good enough over and over, yet they never see the tears running down the side of my face when I'm hiding beneath the covers on my bed. I just want people to accept me for who I am without any questions. Being in the middle, I'm not a man, and I'm not a woman, and many don't understand the thoughts racing through my mind. They say I'm making it up, that I'm just going through a phase, but this phase has lasted for as long as I can remember. Friends have pushed me away, they've belittled me, they've told me I'll never amount to anything unless I stop playing make believe.

"Maybe there's something wrong with him." I've heard the whispers behind my back so many times, and everything creeps through my mind. I can't help the way I was born, and the way my mind is working. It's been hard coming to the realization and telling myself that I'm different, and that it's okay to be different. It's been a task - the world isn't the nicest place, and people are always looking for something to use against me; if they're not, it's how it always seems.

I'm not mentally ill.

I'm not faking it.

I am who I am, and I wish people would understand.

Most of the time the thoughts are pushed aside. I have no other options because I love going out and helping people, and if my emotions are running high, I suck people in like a black hole and completely ruin the mood of everyone gathered around. It doesn't take anything to offer the shirt off my back to a homeless person in need - I can always buy more, but I don't know whether they'll have a chance to or not. "Thank you, sir." I always fight the urge to push them away because it's not like they know, and I can never explain it to them fully. I've tried, and few believe me, but it doesn't matter. I'm on this earth for a reason, and I want to help everyone in need.

I love my family, and I love people who live within the world, and it comes from not being able to truly love myself. I yearn to feel the joy a homeless man feels when he gets a shirt. I want to see the happiness light up in their eyes. It's like going out and petting a stray animal sitting on the side of the road, or offering a child without food something warm to eat. All of that brings me happiness, and it calms the storm raging on around me. The world is such a dark place, and it's hard to see any light when the weight of the world is pressing on my shoulders. I feel like I draw in emotions from others to give them hope so they can see the world I'm truly unable to see. It's part of who I am.

I feed from the emotions of those around me, and I draw in the bad so others can cherish a life I sometimes wish I had, but that isn't a trait I often love because it has moments where I want nothing more than for it all to go away.

I also love spending the day seated on the couch doing absolutely nothing. I hate being told what to do because I don't want to do it. Cleaning bores me. I'd rather sit and do nothing and be lazy. It's the easiest thing to do, and it allows me to avoid people that come to knock me down when I'm already feeling broken on the inside. I'll never kick someone while they're down, and I'll offer them a hand to help them up. A friend is needed many times, and it's hard being alone. I'm not sure if my family understands, and I'll never know because sometimes I'm terrified to even talk to them out of fear they'll leave me like everyone else. My room is an unorganized mess, and it'll always stay that way because I don't like to clean, and the clutter doesn't bother me.

I am set in my ways, and I hate change. People can say all they want that change is good, but I disagree in many ways. It interrupts the natural flow of life, and it leaves me in a panic as I sit and watch people run left and right like everything is okay. I have a daily routine, and it helps me stay focused. It helps me get through the day without incident - I will never understand how anyone can run without an itinerary. It's a must. All aspects of the day have something for me to do when I peel myself away from the couch. I've let myself slack in school. Homework doesn't mean anything to me anymore because I don't have a future at all, yet I try my best to live how I want to live. I try going out with friends and family every single night.

Now I spend a lot of time in the cemetery talking to Orion trying to figure out why he did what he did. I miss him, but I always put a smile on my face, and I try my best to remain strong.

I try to make my family happy and proud, but I feel like I'm such a disgrace to them. I haven't been able to hold a job - I've been let go many times because I'm lazy, and they don't want someone who isn't willing to put in the work. I'm trying so hard just to get through the day, and I'm trying to pull myself together before I fully enter into the adult world. Right now I couldn't live on my own if I wanted to. I've still got a lot of growing to do, and I'm actually unsure of where to turn. I'll stay close to my family, and I'll search for answers with them, and I hope they'll accept me the way I am as I learn to accept myself.