a flurry of sparks | kaplan

"The burning of a heavy heart surrenders like a dream
Ah, but it takes us longer
Ah, but it makes us stronger, ooh, ooh
And all our consciousness drifts away"

♛

For the third time in my life, I was standing with my family in the designated 'tribute family' area while the new victor made their speech. This year, it was down to just five of us. Bolts was the first of the children to leave us, followed by Florence and now Industria. That left Joule, Cordelia, Joseph, Cal and myself.

Kassandra made her speech that was probably written for her before exiting the stage. The crowds started to disperse after this.

The District's mayors were usually encouraged to welcome the new victor to their home District. That's why, today, I'd be talking with Kassandra Nerys. Cal and Joule insisted on coming with me, so I brought them along, but told them that they had to be on their best behavior, as this would reflect on me as mayor. I didn't like to restrict my children that much in what they could say and do, but I didn't have much of a choice right now if I wanted to keep my image as mayor a positive one.

The new victor was leaning against the Justice Building when we were brought to her. Peacekeepers had shown us where to go, and when we arrived, I tried to give her a gentle smile. She was here instead of my daughter, but I couldn't let her see how much that hurt me.

At least she wasn't the one who'd killed Dusty. No, that was Red, and Kassandra had killed Red.

Deep down, I wondered if I should be thanking her for not letting my daughter's killer be the victor.

"Miss Nerys, welcome to District Three," I said to her when I approached her, extending a hand in greeting. "I'm Catherine Spark, the mayor of District Three and Industria Spark's mother."

I had to watch everything I said. Careful. Cautious. Considerate. That's what I always had to be. Being the mayor while losing a child to the games was more difficult than I ever could have imagined.

How did Mayor Laws do it?

"The burning of a heavy heart surrenders like a dream
Ah, but it takes us longer
Ah, but it makes us stronger, ooh, ooh
And all our consciousness drifts away"

♛

Dusty was gone. She'd volunteered to be taken away so that another girl could live, but that didn't mean that she deserved to die, or that we deserved to lose her. It hurt more and more every time another Spark was taken away from us and their flame extinguished. There was no reigniting that flame once it was put out. Dusty wasn't coming back alive. We'd have her lifeless body delivered to us so that we could have yet another Spark family funeral and say our goodbyes, but we'd never feel the warmth of her hugs and feel the kindness of her voice speaking to us again.

As I stood with Mom and the others where the 'tribute families' were supposed to stand, we listened to Kassandra Nerys make her speech. She was close in age to Dusty, which only made it hurt more that it wasn't Dusty standing on the stage making a speech right now. After the speech was over, Cal and I went with Mom to meet with the victor.

"Be on your best behavior, please, girls. I know it hurts, but I'm the mayor now, and saying the wrong thing could change the image people have of our family and me as the mayor." She told us this with tears welling in her eyes. She wiped away the tears before we approached Kassandra, though, and now looked calm and collected as she spoke to the girl.

I stood there, next to Mom with my arms crossed. I didn't know what to say to Kassandra that wasn't a giant 'fuck you'. That's why, as I stood there, I stayed quiet.

I was in my twenties now, safe from the reaping, but my remaining siblings didn't have the same luxury yet. They could be next. They could end up like Bolts, Florence and Dusty.

All I wanted to do right then was grab Kassandra by the shoulders and tell her to be grateful that she got to continue to live, but I didn't.

I still just stood there, arms crossed as I waited to hear what she had to say.

"The burning of a heavy heart surrenders like a dream
Ah, but it takes us longer
Ah, but it makes us stronger, ooh, ooh
And all our consciousness drifts away"

♛

All I could do as we stood as a 'tribute family' was cry. The victor gave her speech, but I didn't listen to a single word of it.

The victor should have been Dusty.

Dusty and I were extremely close. She was the one person in my family who I told everything to, and who told everything to me. There wasn't a single thing we kept from each other, and now, she was gone. Was I just supposed to make a new bond like that with someone else? That wouldn't be possible.

Mom brought Joule and I with her to talk to the victor. I didn't care to refer to the victor by her name, though. If it wasn't Industria Spark, or maybe one of her friends that she had in the arena, then the name of any tribute from the Eighty-Second Hunger Games didn't matter to me. Mom spoke to the victor, welcoming her to District Three, but I didn't think she deserved a welcome. I was told to be on my best behavior, but I couldn't do that.

At least not when this girl was standing here instead of Dusty.

"Mom," I snapped. "She doesn't deserve a welcome. She's not Dusty."

Immediately, my mother turned to me with a displeased look upon her face.

"Don't speak to her that way, Cal."

I let out a huff of frustration in response, now crossing my arms like Joule was.

"The burning of a heavy heart surrenders like a dream
Ah, but it takes us longer
Ah, but it makes us stronger, ooh, ooh
And all our consciousness drifts away"

♛

The words that Miss Nerys spoke to us in response to what Cal had said were like a punch to the gut. I felt like there was a knot in my stomach in that moment.

"No, it's okay. I'm not Dusty," she had said, making me at first think that she was going to speak some form of kind words. As soon as she finished speaking, however, I learned that that wasn't the case. "But you must be used to this by now. From what I hear you Sparks aren't running short of Games fodder."

I tried my best to keep myself calm, despite the tears that had started to well in my eyes. I didn't let the tears fall, but I wanted to let them go. I felt like I was crying on the inside. I knew if that made it to the outside, however, that it wouldn't look good for me. I needed to stay strong. Not just for me, though. I was staying strong for my children, too.

"I wouldn't say that anyone really gets used to losing their children, even after three of them have gone," I responded to her. It was true. Florence and Industria's deaths weren't any easier just because Bolts had died before them. I didn't want to lose anyone else, and I didn't want to lose any of my children in the first place. I had felt like my life was ending when my husband died, but then three of my children got taken away from me, and I realized that it was never-ending.

The grief never went away. The pain of the loss was always there. Every time I looked at something that had belonged to one of them, I felt the pain of it all again. If I saw a picture of them or heard mention of their names, again, I felt the pain.

It wasn't something anyone could get used to.

"The burning of a heavy heart surrenders like a dream
Ah, but it takes us longer
Ah, but it makes us stronger, ooh, ooh
And all our consciousness drifts away"

♛

Kassandra's words had to be ignored, or I knew that I would snap. Mom tried her best to say her rude words in a polite manner, and I'm not sure how well it worked, but she did a better job than I would have. If I spoke, I knew that my words wouldn't be kind, or even have the illusion of kindness strung into them like Mom's words.

I stood there, arms still crossed, and bit my lip until it started to bleed. I could taste the blood in my mouth, and that was the only thing that was able to snap me back into reality. I stopped biting my lip and returned my attention to what was going on in that very moment. I may have been able to stay quiet for those few moments, but I had major doubts that Cal would be capable of doing the same.

Cal was always outspoken and defensive when it came to family. I used to be that was when I was younger, too, but I started to realize how little it actually helped. It didn't matter how much I talked up Bolts and how amazing he was. He was still taken away from us and killed in the Games. It didn't matter how much I defended Florence when the older kids made fun of her. She was still reaped and murdered. It didn't matter how brilliant I reassured Dusty that she was. She still went into the Games and got ripped to shreds.

I just wished that there was something I could say to get this whole interaction to stop. I never should've gone with Mom to talk to the new victor. I should've just gone home and sat alone in my room instead.

"The burning of a heavy heart surrenders like a dream
Ah, but it takes us longer
Ah, but it makes us stronger, ooh, ooh
And all our consciousness drifts away"

♛

The victor's comment broke me. We weren't just feeding the Games more tributes to kill every time one of us went in. Any Spark child who had to go through the Games was fighting to survive, not just sitting there to die. The victor didn't seem to understand that. Mom spoke, trying to be nice, but I didn't care. I didn't care that she wanted us all to be kind to the victor. The victor didn't deserve it, even if she killed Dusty's killer.

Joule was biting her lip. Her arms were still crossed, but I uncrossed mine and clenched my hands into fists at my sides. It took restraint from every fiber of my being not to wail on her. I wanted to hit her, punch her, destroy her, kill her, but I couldn't.

"Mom, stop trying to be nice," I snapped. Then, I stepped right in front of the victor and looked her in the eyes.

"I don't know if you have anyone to go home to, and frankly, I don't care," I told her. "Dusty had us, though, and she deserves to have those who love her respected, even when she's gone. We're not just cattle for the Capitol to slaughter each time we're in the Games. Our family is full of fighters, in case you haven't noticed. Oh and just so you know-"

Before I could keep speaking, Joule had grabbed my arm and interrupted with her own words.

"That's enough," she hissed. "I don't know why any of us even came over here to talk when it was clearly just going to cause trouble."

I clenched my jaw and huffed angrily. I was at my boiling point.