Harbinger Rhodes D11 resub [done]

So much has changed in my life since I won the games. Trusting people became impossible because I didn’t know who was out to get me, and who was on my side. Many nights I kept the lights on in the house out of fear of being in the dark, and I always kept a kitchen knife beside my bed just in case. Sometimes waking up from the nightmares was worse than actually waking up in the arena because in the arena I lived it for the first time. The nightmares played on repeat over and over again leaving me wondering if they’d ever go away. They’re a distant memory now.

Having Navya by my side has helped me. She’s my entire world, she keeps me calm when I feel like going off into the unknown. She’s been with me through thick and thin. Even when I was forced onto the pageant Katelyn was in. I didn’t want to be there. I had no desire to spend time with her. Katelyn was a friend. Someone I cared for. Someone I looked at like a sister because even though I hated her and Kirito for the longest time, I learned they did what they had to do. Mentoring a game is hard. It takes a lot of work, and a lot of preparations and sometimes some dumb luck.

At first, not bringing home someone was incredibly heartbreaking. I wondered how to tell the families. I wondered how to prepare for funerals, and I’ve said goodbye to many of my family since I won. I always went to say final goodbyes even if it was someone I didn’t know. I had to put on a face of not caring. An act so that I could get through it. As long as my family was fine, I didn’t care who was going into the games, but deep down inside, each tribute took a piece of me with them.

It's been hard knowing that my family is one that's taken for punishment as a reminder of what happens when someone has too much hope. It's been hard losing Iain right after I won, and then Weaver. I don't even want to know what would've happened had Tamron not volunteered for the games. I wanted him to stay home so badly, and I had so much hope he was going to win, but they struck him down at the very last moment, and to this day I wonder what could've been had he not volunteered. Watching Faux go into the games, I still to this day think the person who returned home is an imposter. I saw the split skull. I watched him fall. I heard his canon, but nobody else seems to believe me.

Just as time was going on, I thought I would move on, but then they took Asari after Kass won, and it's hard because Kass won after Faux died, and then Asari died next, and I don't even know why my family suffers the most. Kirito has lost one person, but he's still like my brother. I've grown close to him over the years, while I have no connection to Katelyn anymore. She disappeared for so long and returned, but now she's gone again. Can't say I don't blame her, but perhaps she's just a coward who can't handle losing anyone anymore, but who am I to judge? It doesn't matter anyway.

So many times in life I want to go back to where I was before I was even chosen for the games. I hate going to the Capitol every single year. I hate having to look at them and see them smile and cheer for the games. I hate knowing that my family is in danger if I step ever so slightly out of line. I have to do what I am told, and I do it because I care for too many people to lose them.

Right now I enjoy spending my time outside. One of my favorite things to do is run through the fields with my kids. I don't actually run, it's more of a hobble, but I try. That's what matters. It doesn't matter if I'm setting down weaving flowers together with Vera, or if I'm chasing Manwe because he's done something wrong and is trying to run away from it, or if I'm following Madhav, Mandira, or Indira around. I swear sometimes they're a handful and they make me feel like I'm greying and balding faster than I would like to, but I do love them and would do everything for them.

I feel sort of like I have the need to protect Kass. She's four years older than Vera, and I want to keep her safe, however I know that she's very capable of holding her own. I sometimes check in with her and I try to always invite her to family dinners. I know how important it is to have friends after surviving a nightmare. It's taken a bit; though, and I understand. I will always be there for her if she needs me. I will help her however I can because I needed the help for so long. If it wasn't for Navya, I wouldn't have made it to where I am now. I just have to let Kass live her own life. She's the first person I've ever brought back to district eleven, and I understand how it feels now. It's a bit of joy mixed with sorrow. I'll always cherish this moment because it may never happen again.

I can say if it wasn't for my family, I wouldn't act civil. I hate having to keep my hatred towards the Capitol quiet. I hate that I can't just go out and fight a peacekeeper that doesn't do anything good here. I hate that my opinions have to stay locked inside my mind. All I need is a chance to really start a spark to make people realize just how awful Panem is. Why do we just stand around watching as we lose people every single year because it's a reminder? I just want everyone to realize we have a voice and we can be heard. I want to be heard. I used to be fine living in district eleven, but I hate seeing people starving. I hate how people are suffering and dying from malnutrition. I will sit quietly for only a little longer until I am pressed too far which is coming very soon. They reap one of my children and kill them, and they'll have a price to pay and nobody will ever hold me back. Family is my everything, and I'm done watching them die one after another because I was lucky enough to stay alive.

Baby Wessex d9b [earthling] has dibs