selene / capitol. fin

🌱 kaitlin.
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2,683 POSTS

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last seen Apr 25, 2024 0:37:59 GMT -5

aspiring beam of light

selene / capitol. fin Apr 24, 2020 12:53:52 GMT -5

Post by 🌱 kaitlin. on Apr 24, 2020 12:53:52 GMT -5

selene ~~bourges~~
twenty-three | capitol

✦

❛ let no one mistake us for the fruit of violence—but that violence, having passed through the fruit, failed to spoil it. ❜

Last Edit: Apr 24, 2020 15:20:57 GMT -5 by 🌱 kaitlin.

what are men to rocks and mountains?

a haunted house.

🌱 kaitlin.
Graphics

2,683 POSTS

Pronouns: she/her
last seen Apr 25, 2024 0:37:59 GMT -5

aspiring beam of light

selene / capitol. fin Apr 24, 2020 12:58:26 GMT -5

Post by 🌱 kaitlin. on Apr 24, 2020 12:58:26 GMT -5

BY 'SOUL' I MEAN THE SELF DESCRIBED BY PASSION.

When Dad requested a transfer to the Captiol I kicked and screamed for days. Weeks. Maybe even months. Honestly, it's all a blur in the back of my head now, a memory I've tried for years to block out and forget. The raging fire that burned in me, the absolute need to not be anywhere except for exactly where I was.

Looking back, I don't really blame him.

Not really.

How can I fault him for needing to run? It happened when I was eight. Well, it started a long time before that, but it really all started to fall apart the day that she died. She'd been sick for over a year, an illness that not even the best doctors in One could fix, not even for the Peacekeepers lover. We just had to sit there and watch her suffer, through her good days and her bad ones. We sat there as Death wrapped his taloned hands around her throats and just... let him have her. At the time, that had been the only place I knew, that home where my mother had raised me, that home where my father hadn't been allowed to live in but had anyways. One was where my friends were, the place where I had kissed Axel Balinger up on a tree branch because it's what all the older kids talked about at school. It was the place I had loved my mother, and the idea of being anywhere else made me want to suffocate.

His superiors, I think they must have taken pity on him. Taking a lover, wanting to settle down, having a child, those were the kind of offenses that got some other Keepers outright fired. Disgraced. Instead, they looked at his sad eyes and probably figured he'd suffered enough for his crimes. So instead, Pa retired from the force, took us to the place where he had grown up and left behind the life that he had been building for us in One. Whenever I asked him about it, years later, he always got this sad look in his eyes, as though the thought of that lost future was the saddest thing he could think of.

And, I suppose, for him it probably is.

For me, well, I barely remember her now.

Sometimes I wonder if that makes me like a bad person or something, but I think the fact that nowadays I deliver secrets and drugs and packages I don't ask questions about between people here in the Capitol is the things that's going to make me a bad person on my death bed, not the fact that I find it hard to remember a woman I haven't seen in what, fifteen years? More? Sometimes I think I can remember something good, something soft and lovely, but mostly I just remember her in those last weeks, with tubes in her arms and up her nose, looking more skeleton than human.

And honestly, I think I'd rather forget than dream those memories at night.

I don't really like thinking about it anymore; I would rather just throw myself headfirst into the life that I'm trying to build for myself. Some of you are probably going to think that makes me selfish or something, but I don't know. I think that I deserve it.

Maybe that's selfish! But I was raised by a former Peacekeeper, you know? I was taught how to fight before I could breathe, and I've lived more than half of my life with someone who lost the thing that they loved most in this world. Papa is—well, I think he's magic, in some ways. He tucked me into bed every night, even the ones that I pretended I didn't want him to. Even when I hated him for taking me from all of my friends in One, he made me clean my own dishes and do my chores. Even then, he bought me all the art supplies that I thought I needed and all the ones that I didn't think to buy myself. He was tired and exhausted and heartbroken, but he loved me in his own ways. It doesn't matter to me so much now that he didn't know how to show me in the ways I thought he was supposed to show me, that he never told me he loved me or was proud of me or that he believed in me.

Looking back, I feel like he showed me instead.

I think I'm even grateful for it. At the time, it gave me a complex, that's for sure, but it kind of made me fight to get him to say it, made me throw myself headfirst into the things that I loved when he didn't. Now I think he was probably afraid that if he loved me too much then the world might take me away from him, but back then I thought he didn't love me.

So I put all my love into my art instead of him.

Now, it's all I can do to do anything else. All I want in this fucking world is to be a stylist, to stand behind the crowds and watch on as someone fantastic walks the carpet in my design. I've been in love with Colt Royale for almost as long as I can remember, and slowly but surely I've been working my way up the ladder, doing what I can to get at his side, be his apprentice.

Meeting Copernicus Fenwick, well, that put me just that one rung higher. And I'll keep letting him use me as long as he lets me use him right back.

Just watch me.

WE ARE CARVED AND HOLLOWED BY WHAT WE LOVE.

Kelly Cherry, from “On The Soul”

Last Edit: Apr 24, 2020 15:20:43 GMT -5 by 🌱 kaitlin.

what are men to rocks and mountains?

a haunted house.

🌱 kaitlin. Graphics 2,683 POSTS Pronouns: she/her last seen Apr 25, 2024 0:37:59 GMT -5 aspiring beam of light	selene / capitol. fin Apr 24, 2020 15:22:21 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by 🌱 kaitlin. on Apr 24, 2020 15:22:21 GMT -5 ripred_bot baby is done
	what are men to rocks and mountains? a haunted house.

Tom Moderator 5,143 POSTS Pronouns: He/Him last seen Apr 24, 2024 12:02:18 GMT -5 OowoO	selene / capitol. fin Apr 24, 2020 17:05:40 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Tom on Apr 24, 2020 17:05:40 GMT -5 She's amazing. I love Selene!
	Made by gamemaker 💀 hades lochlan