It's Called: Freefall [Eon/Bette]

I sit down with a pen and paper, fists clenched, heart empty of feeling.

There’s nothing.

(Where did it all go?)

I can hear Raxar rustling in the room next door. Mom and Dad are chatting in the kitchen like they do on late nights sometimes. And here I am, pen clenched between my fingers, staring down at an empty piece of lined paper.

Empty,

empty,

oh,

empty.

All the feeling has been dried out from my tear ducts, spilled into the sheets of my pillow and hidden in quiet corners of the world where I dare to put it. Raxar didn’t hear me cry because Raxar’s got his own stupid life to worry about, with his stupid girlfriend and his stupid job and his stupid friends.

And I don’t--

I don’t hate them.

And I hate that.

I don’t have to hate something to feel horrible, that’s what I’ve learned. Raxar goes off to hang with the life he’s built around himself, and I’m left alone to sit with my thoughts and my books and my worries and Mom and Dad and mistaken shes and hers and Eves, all the while gripping anxiously onto distant Somethings or Somewheres or Someones. Time ticks away on the clock, throwing me violently toward the same emptiness and loneliness of the past four hours, the past four months, the past forever, multiplying onto itself over and over and over, all multiplying by zero.

Empty.

A moment ago, I was curled up under the covers, staring vaguely at the open expanse of my bedroom wall.

Now I’m sitting at my desk, pen in hand, unsure what kind of letter I’m about to write.

One or the other.

But not the other. Never the other. Or not yet.

The one I write:

Dear Bette,

I hope you’re doing well. How are you? Are you doing okay? Have you spoken to the others at all? Sorry for not writing sooner.

I don’t know how to write this, clearly. There’s a lot I want to say, but I keep thinking that anything I say is just going to be dumb. It’s been a long time and I know we’ve been through a lot and you might not remember much about me, but I just wanted to say hi. There’s a lot to explain, but that’s not even my point. I just-- I’m not doing okay at all. I miss you. I mean, I know all the stuff we went through was a lot and I probably shouldn’t miss you because you were a part of something that was really difficult and you might think horrible things about me. It’s been awhile and I hope you remember me.

I keep thinking, like, I could find some kind of work and find some way to visit. I think about that for everyone, really. You, Wander, Temple. Have you spoken to Temple? Ugh, no, sorry, that’s probably a touchy subject. I’m sorry. But mom and dad are dead set on me becoming a doctor, and I want that for me too. They’d probably kill me get really mad if I dropped out or something, so I haven’t. But I’m gonna be a doctor one day, or something similar, because I need to get to District Six to --

Ugh, I’m getting ahead of myself, sorry. So I don’t know how to write this either, but like… you know how Wander isn’t a boy or a girl? So I’m like that, except I figured out that I’m not a girl. It didn’t feel right. And I have a lot of trouble trying to explain it to people because I worry they won’t get it, but just know that I go by Eon now, not Eve, and I’m a boy.

Right, so… things have been bad lately.

I don’t want to write about it right now. It’s a lot. But I know you’re a bit older, and you might not be in school like I am. So.. would you maybe be able to find some kind of way to visit me here? Or want to? I mean, it’s okay if you can’t or if there’s a lot going on or if you don’t remember me or something.

I just-- I miss everyone. I feel all alone. I don’t know what to do now that I’m alive, and I’m kind of wasting it all, and nothing matters and could use the company, if you’re up for it. No worries if you can’t, I totally understand.

Please write back and give your letter to Valor (the vulture Word), even if you can’t find a way to visit. He’ll know where to bring it.

Best,
Eon

P.S. Sorry about Valor... He’s nice. He can hunt for rats if you’ve got any hanging around. Don’t feel like you have to feed him or anything. I don’t want him to be a burden to you.