When Happiness Doesn't Work [River's End]

"Pain without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all"

~

I never had anyone back home who loved me, and I never had anyone back home that I loved, either. That's just how my life had always been. I'd been living on my own for almost a year when that fateful reaping day came, where I decided to volunteer myself in place of that girl, Rikki Stone. That's the same day where Xavier put himself forward, too, volunteering in place of the boy who was chosen. I didn't expect to go into the Games with someone I knew, but at first, I didn't really care, either. I didn't care about anyone for most of my life, so that's just how things were.

Before the arena, in the training center, I made some allies. I'm not sure if I'd call all of them friends, though. Then, our time in the arena came, and for a few days, we fought alongside one another. In that time, at first, I grew jealous of Sarina and Xavier, since they got to kill people before I did. I even started to think that the person in my alliance that I connected with the most was Angevin. I was wrong, though. Xavier was the one person I could actually call a friend, in the end.

The problem was, by the time I realized that I actually had a friend, for the first time in my life, he was gone. Dead. Stabbed through the heart. I wanted to avenge him, so I did exactly that. I took down Alfonso Izar, Sarina's brother, at the cost of my alliance with Sarina and Angevin. I felt full of thrill in that moment. I was euphoric after that kill. It was all I could really think about and focus on for the rest of that day as I ran off on my own. Although, I knew that my time was close to over now.

My story was ending. I'd come into this world, meant to be a tribute. I was meant to volunteer for the Games (check!), fight with everything I had (check!), kill at least one other tribute (check!) and die (a work in progress now, but overall, check!).

Living in District Nine, for pretty much as long as I can remember, I wanted to kill, but knew that it wasn't the time yet. I'd have to wait until I was in the Games, where it wasn't going to get me avoxed or executed by the Capitol, and instead would get me praised by them. I wasn't meant to win the Games, though. I knew that from the start.

Now, today, the day after I'd killed Alfonso Izar, I was off on my own. I'd wandered my way into a part of the arena full of termites, dominated by their immensely huge towers. I hadn't been there very long by the time it happened, though. A purple muttation, created as a Capitol killing machine, was breathing fire at me, and other tributes came into view, too, one of them bringing their weapon down on me. I fought with this tribute and their District partner for a thrilling few minutes, before the final blow of their weapon cut into my neck.

I started laughing. I knew I was going to die, but the laughter wouldn't stop. I felt the pain throughout my whole body, and I was spitting up blood. There was also blood spilling from the wound on my neck, but I didn't care. It was over, and the maniacal laughter erupting from me wouldn't stop.

"I suppose it's about time," I choked out. "I'm ready to meet you, Hades."

Although, I suppose those words I spoke as I collapsed to the ground had more than one meaning. Hades wasn't just the supposed name of the God of the underworld that so many people would speak of, but also the name of my brother who'd died before I was born. My mother and father claimed that he died of unknown causes, but I knew what it really was. They'd beaten him to death. He disobeyed them, and he was killed for it. That's part of the reason I'd always hated my parents.

They'd beaten me, too, but I'd managed to survive it. My younger brothers, Poseidon and Zeus, always sided with my parents, saying that no one knew how Hades had died. They'd never met Hades either, though. They were younger than me, after all, and I'd never met him. My younger brothers even thought that my parents beating me was something I deserved, so they always sided with my parents on everything. I loathed my entire family for the lies they spewed and the cruel things they did to me. I had every right to feel that way, no?

Perhaps it's the cruel things they did to me that crafted me into what I am now- a monster. A monster who wanted to kill, and who, eventually, did kill.

Was I any better than them? I supposed I'd never know.

~

lyrics: "Pain" by Three Days Grace