monster, how should i feel? / eloise day 7

As if cutting off three of her limbs wasn’t bad enough, you ransacked the other girl’s shit after she died. Look, her bag had been lying around, haphazardly thrown open, and you were low on supplies. You knelt down to go through it, trying to ignore the dead body that you’d created. Once you’d gotten your haul— some medicinal plants and a small piece of armor— you ran. The bridge creaked under your boots, threatening to snap and throw you into the vicious river at any moment. You figured you deserved that. You had basically tortured somebody to death, a girl your age, a girl who probably wanted to live more than you did.

How could you ever be forgiven for something like that?

The other side of the ravine was far less bloody, had far less limbs strewn about. You let yourself collapse onto the watery ground. Screaming felt better with your back pressed against something, it was easier to fill your lungs with air when you had something to lean against. The screams echoed throughout the area. A part of you hoped somebody heard you and came to put you out of your misery.

You sobbed for Abs. You sobbed for Alfonso. You sobbed for the girls you had killed. You sobbed for Bill. You sobbed for yourself, for a person destroyed, marred by violence and a stupid need for revenge.

Nobody was going to avenge your loss. You needed to let go. Let go of it, Eloise. Let go.

You rolled onto your front and pushed yourself up on your knees. It reminded you of the way Bill fell, right before he died. It didn’t help. It just made you feel farther from him. You were alive, and he was not, and you had killed the girl who helped kill him but it didn’t fucking help you. This was a pain that nothing could cure. You would have to carry it. Can you carry it?

I’m not strong enough.


[ eloise does maint stuff. ]