valerian { capitol } fin

fox Graphics 1,363 POSTS Pronouns: she/her last seen Apr 25, 2024 12:23:42 GMT -5 but a butt ?	valerian { capitol } fin Apr 27, 2020 17:18:11 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by fox on Apr 27, 2020 17:18:11 GMT -5 valerian Valerian Kwon Capitol 23 “I think we deserve a soft epilogue, my love. We are good people and we’ve suffered enough.” – Seventy Years of Sleep
	Last Edit: May 1, 2020 3:01:05 GMT -5 by fox

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valerian { capitol } fin Apr 27, 2020 19:47:58 GMT -5

Post by fox on Apr 27, 2020 19:47:58 GMT -5

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I knew of heartbreak before I was even born.

My mother laboured for hours by herself in the hospital, a nurse holding her hand and brushing the hair from her eyes, a gesture that burned with absence.

She told me it was a cold winter when it happened.
The streets were swathed in snow, as if there was a soft sickness seeping into the bones of the city, the endless fog quaking in the morning as I drew a shaky breath.

There was no family.

There was no father.

That is how I was born.

Last Edit: May 1, 2020 2:31:27 GMT -5 by fox

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valerian { capitol } fin Apr 27, 2020 19:51:13 GMT -5

Post by fox on Apr 27, 2020 19:51:13 GMT -5

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When my mother was dying, she told me I was the best thing she’d ever made.

I know it's not true. I found a box of her daydreams in the attic, small canvases of ingenues lying in the brush strokes of stark nakedness, their bodies painted from a lush tube of cadmium blue, spring sceneries bursting with opulence – there's the ripe apricots hanging in oil colours, orange and dripping into the sunlight – men with wolfish, sad gazes, and

my father, laughing in her memory.

I always thought I had his eyes, dark and heavy.

I realized what I lacked was the way he looked at her.

Last Edit: May 1, 2020 2:33:16 GMT -5 by fox

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valerian { capitol } fin Apr 27, 2020 21:58:37 GMT -5

Post by fox on Apr 27, 2020 21:58:37 GMT -5

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I saw her photograph in an art gallery a few years later – my mother, looking over her shoulder in soft sepia rays, wearing a coat of blue flowers, a sparrow in a bolt of red lifting off from her hands.

I wondered how much I didn't know about her life before me. I wondered how she had met my father and how he had left her, a man lost somewhere in the streets of the Capitol all those years ago.

When I was younger, I thought maybe one day he would see one of my photographs in an important gallery, my name printed underneath in neat serif on a placard. He would see my last name – he would recognize my mother's face in me, the soft, rounded lines, and see his own eyes recalling of the past. I thought maybe he would come find us.

I've taken thousands of photographs. Black and white architectural pieces in private collections, abstract portraits in the museum downtown, beautiful clothes catching an illusion of wind, billowing in the studio breeze of editorials like it could move you.

My name is always printed neatly.

Last Edit: May 1, 2020 2:36:39 GMT -5 by fox

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valerian { capitol } fin Apr 27, 2020 22:43:19 GMT -5

Post by fox on Apr 27, 2020 22:43:19 GMT -5

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Maybe our story was one of a great tragedy. Maybe it was one of the softest love. It depends on where you begin and where you end.

One Autumn, I asked to take your picture underneath the weeping willows of the botanical gardens. When I looked through the lens, all I could see was you.

You talked to me, lying in bed, your red hair spilling down your shoulders in impressionistic brush work, about all your dreams – about being important, yet tragic, an idea of aesthetic torment so romantically appealing to you at sixteen years old.

"No artist is ever happy," You said.

All I could see was you.

I was feeling lost when I met you.
I was a different person when I met you. Seventeen, eager, angry.

I'm still angry.

I always thought I'd be different from my parents.

Last Edit: Apr 28, 2020 18:37:17 GMT -5 by fox

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valerian { capitol } fin Apr 28, 2020 15:10:08 GMT -5

Post by fox on Apr 28, 2020 15:10:08 GMT -5

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I don't like how I've become a person of
your hands and teeth,

how you have changed me in strange and unsettling ways – no longer able to watch the willow trees whisper without crying, walk the marble steps into the museum without thinking.

I don't like how
I can break at the lightest touch these days, sun falling through me like a sieve.

All the poets of our generation that have sighed of a great heartache, drunk on unhappiness and tormented by vestiges of a terrible love, write of being alright someday.

And I guess

someday, I’ll wake up, and you won't be on my mind. I won't wonder – what's he doing? Has he eaten? Is he happy? I'll lie on my bed and I won’t remember what it was like the first time you kissed me, the last time we kissed, the first time you made me cry, the last time I ever cried for you.

And one day I'll realize all the times you weren't there, all the times you never will be, all the times I've lived without you, and how life moves on regardless.

But baby, why can't I have you?

Why can't I have you?

Last Edit: May 1, 2020 2:40:48 GMT -5 by fox

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valerian { capitol } fin Apr 28, 2020 18:45:22 GMT -5

Post by fox on Apr 28, 2020 18:45:22 GMT -5

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It's interesting how
some part of me has died.

How you took something away from me.

How nothing will ever be as easy as falling in love the first time.

I know there are worse things in life than a boy not loving you back.

You told me it wasn't my fault, that we were too different and too similar, that you couldn't expect to put two depressed kids in the daze of adolescence together and think it was going to work out.

"I need to work on my art," You said, "You should work on yours. Don't you think about the future? It's better this way, I promise."

But you looked at me, and all I could see was you.

You were engaged three months later, and I wondered if I ever even meant anything.

Last Edit: May 1, 2020 2:54:13 GMT -5 by fox

fox Graphics 1,363 POSTS Pronouns: she/her last seen Apr 25, 2024 12:23:42 GMT -5 but a butt ?	valerian { capitol } fin May 1, 2020 3:01:49 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by fox on May 1, 2020 3:01:49 GMT -5 ripred_bot yeet

fox Graphics 1,363 POSTS Pronouns: she/her last seen Apr 25, 2024 12:23:42 GMT -5 but a butt ?	valerian { capitol } fin May 7, 2020 13:48:16 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by fox on May 7, 2020 13:48:16 GMT -5 oop doin a lil bump bc its been a minute ripred_bot

gamemaker ☢️ ivan korsch Moderator 4,180 POSTS Pronouns: She/Her last seen Apr 25, 2024 13:58:58 GMT -5 call me jaded	valerian { capitol } fin May 7, 2020 14:17:57 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by gamemaker ☢️ ivan korsch on May 7, 2020 14:17:57 GMT -5 I honestly admire your writing. What a tragic romantic tale Give Valerian all the love.